38 Funny Wedding Toasts That'll Leave Everyone in Tears

Solid jokes for a mini stand-up routine.
chapelle johnson the knot associate editor
Chapelle Johnson
chapelle johnson the knot associate editor
Chapelle Johnson
Associate Editor
  • Chapelle writes articles for The Knot Worldwide. She covers all things wedding-related and has a personal interest in covering celebrity engagements and fashion.
  • Before joining The Knot Worldwide, Chapelle was an editorial intern for Subvrt Magazine.
  • Chapelle has a degree in English writing from Loyola University New Orleans.
Updated Jun 27, 2023

If you think you're the funniest person you know but can't put that humor on paper, you might be worried about writing your funny wedding toast. But don't let that blinking cursor on a blank page intimidate you. I've found tons of giggle-worthy inspiration from all my favorite books, movies and public figures to help add pizzazz to your wedding speech. Whether you start or end with one of these funny wedding toast quotes, these are the building blocks to a legendary, laugh-packed wedding reception, rehearsal dinner or engagement party moment.

In this article:

Funny Wedding Toasts

All these funny wedding toast examples are perfect for people who weren't born with the right kind of funny bone. And if anyone asks you after the toast how'd you come up with something so hilarious, I suggest just laughing loudly and walking away briskly.

Funny, Short Wedding Toasts

Need something short and sweet for your wedding toast? Try one of these, which will be a sure hit during the reception.

1. "[Name of partner one] stole [Name of partner two]'s heart, so [Partner two] stole [Partner one's] last name. All in all, I would say that things worked out quite nicely, considering neither of them ended up in prison..." – Anonymous

2. "A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. That's unfortunate for these two!" – Anonymous

3. "Here's to you and here's to me, I hope we never disagree, But if, perchance, we ever do, Then here's to me, to hell with you." – Anonymous

4. "I would like to reintroduce the most important people here tonight. We know them, we love them and it's probably why we're all here…the bartenders." – Anonymous

5. "May your marriage be so solid it could last through being on a Bravo reality TV show." – Anonymous

Funny One-Liners for Wedding Toasts

A quick zinger, said in the middle of a serious or sentimental speech, will throw guests off in a good and hysterical way. Just remember to slow down and annunciate so no one misses it.

6. "Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park." – Anonymous

7. "May our children be blessed with rich parents!" – Anonymous

8. "Hello everyone. For those of you who don't know me, I'm [Name of newlywed one]'s and [Name of newlywed two]'s mistress." – Anonymous

9. "May the roof above you never fall in and may you both never fall out." – Anonymous

10. "I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always." – Anonymous

Funny Wedding Toast Closing Lines

Send guests off with something memorable at the end of your funny wedding toast. Be prepared for lots of high-fives and congratulatory pats on the back.

11. "May we never forget what's worth remembering or remember what's best forgotten." – Anonymous

Find your kind of venue

From barns to ballrooms, discover reception venues that feel like you.

12. "I'm going to ask everyone to take their glasses–and for those who still can–stand and raise a glass to the newlyweds." – Anonymous

13. "[Name of newlywed one] and [Name of newlywed two], before I finish, I'd like you to turn to face each other. You're now looking into the eyes of the person who's statistically most likely to murder you. To the happy couple!" – Anonymous

14. "I have one final piece of advice for you two lovebirds: never stop laughing, even when the jokes are horrible." – Anonymous

15. "To our best friends, who know the most about us, but refuse to believe it." – Anonymous

16. "May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live." – Anonymous

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes

Here are some popular and unique funny wedding toast quotes from my favorite things and people. If you don't see anything below that you resonate with, use this as inspiration to find quotes from your beloved poems, movies, songs or people.

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes from Poems

Love poems come in heavy supply, so surprise guests with a funny wedding quote from one of these poets.

17. "To keep your marriage brimming / With love in the loving cup / Whenever you're wrong, admit it; / Whenever you're right, shut up." – "A Word to Husbands" by Ogden Nash (American poet)

18. "No teacher, preacher, parent, friend / Or wise man can decide / What's right for you—just listen to / The voice that speaks inside." – "The Voice" by Shel Silverstein (American poet and cartoonist)

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes from Movies

Snatch your favorite quote from a movie you love to personalize your funny wedding toast and allow guests a sense of familiarity.

19. "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." – Forrest Gump (1994)

20. "I love you. That's why I make you miserable." – Real Women Have Curves (2002)

21. "I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting." – Love Actually (2003)

22. "Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of Everybody Loves Raymond, only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever." – Knocked Up (2007)

23. "Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid you don't deserve to be in love." – A Lot Like Love (2005)

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes from Songs

By quoting a song for your wedding toast, you get two choices for how it can be delivered. Ask the DJ to cue the song to play so you can sing along, which will garner laughs, or read it if singing isn't your strong suit.

24. "Can I be the man you're looking for? / Can I be your girl forever more? / I'll try real hard not to lose her / I'll try to be less of a loser" – "F*ck You," by Garfunkel & Oates

25. "I can make you angry, you can make me smile / We can make origami with the kids for a while / You turn me on to the idea of growing old" – "The Idea of Growing Old," by The Features

26. "Remember back when we had problems? Oh man, that was annoying! / But now our love has magically solved them / And there won't be any more in our future at all" – "We'll Never Have Problems Again," by Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Cast

27. "I'd buy you Rogaine / When you start losing all your hair / Sew on patches / To all you tear" – "The Way I Am," by Ingrid Michaelson

28. "Now when arrows don't penetrate, see (cupid grabs the pistol) / Uh, yeah, now, now lookie here / He shoots straight for your heart / Now, and he won't miss you" – "Happy Valentine's Day," by OutKast

29. "Here is the church and here is the steeple / We sure are cute for two ugly people / I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else / But you" – "Anyone Else But You," by The Moldy Peaches

30. "Here is a heart / I made it for you so take it / Battered and braised / Grilled and sauteed / Just how you like it" – "Here Is a Heart," by Jenny Owen Youngs

Funny Wedding Toast Quotes from Famous People

Sometimes celebrities can have wise words to provide the masses. Use one of these famous quotes for your funny wedding toast.

31. "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." – Henny Youngman (British-American comedian)

32. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." – Anne Bancroft (American actress)

33. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." – Rita Rudner (American comedian)

34. "True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." – Mindy Kaling (American actress and comedian)

35. "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy." – Henry Kissinger (Former United States Secretary of State)

36. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." – Will Ferrell (American actor and comedian)

37. "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." – Charles M. Schulz (American cartoonist)

38. "If I didn't do this well, I just wouldn't have anything to do…I can't cook, and I'd be a terrible housewife." – Freddie Mercury (British singer and songwriter)

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