Associated Press May 14, 2018

Earlier this year, on the evening of March 10, a sudden rumble disrupted thousands of people the world over. Seismic events are common in our world, but this was a unique disturbance. The tremor was reported in dozens of countries and on all seven continents, but at no point did the event register above a 4.7 magnitude.
“This is a highly unusual seismic event,” said Dr. Bruce Chipman, chair of the seismology department of the University of Woolloomooloo, Australia. “A typical seismic event features an epicenter where the most destructive shockwaves are felt. The waves then propagate out in all directions, dissipating the kinetic energy. The further away from the epicenter you are, the less intense the event should be.”
William Sanford Nye, better known by his public moniker “Bill Nye, the Science Guy” Described it like this: “Think of it like an inordinately obese man doing a cannonball into a pool. Where he hits the water, there’s a giant splash. Waves go out in every direction and gradually get smaller. If you’re right next to him, the wave can push you around. If you’re far enough away, it’s just a ripple and you don’t even notice it.”
But that was not the case this past March. “The event had no discernable epicenter,” said Chipman. “It registered a 4.7 in Boston and New York City, but a relatively mild 2.6 through most of Rhode Island and Connecticut. Here on the east coast of Australia we experienced tremors in the 4.1-4.3 range. All over the world, the disruption was felt at different levels.”
One popular theory had been that the epicenter of the disturbance was deeper than any previously recorded event – near to the earth’s core. If this were the case, the event would be felt at low levels all over the world without a single “hot spot” on the surface. The theory was far from perfect, however. It did not explain how two communities within driving distance of one another could have experienced powerful tremors while the spaces between them were relatively calm. Instead, critics of the “corequake” theory argued that the event was really a series of connected seismic events, but were unable to name what might have triggered so many events so close together.
Then, last week, a considerable breakthrough all but confirmed that the critics of the corequake theory were correct. Lightning, or in this case a seismic event, struck twice. “This time we were ready for it,” said Chipman. “When the reports of a second event started rolling in, I immediately dispatched all the Bruces and blokes I knew to the hotspots to see what they had in common.” It turns out, the areas most affected by the tremors centered around recipients of a “save the date” card.
“Hearts break all the time,” said cardiologist William Hamman. “It’s not surprising that the simultaneous destruction of so many would be picked up by seismographs.”
The most baffling seismic event in recorded history was caused by the simultaneous breaking of millions of eligible bachelorettes’ hearts all over the world.
“It definitely checks out with what we saw here,” said Chipman. “One poor girl was wandering down the street barefoot screaming ‘it should have been me’ at the sky. In her hand was a ‘save the date’ card. I don’t know who this Briscoe girl is, but she’s one lucky Sheila.”
“What can I say?” asked Mike Habeeb, whose name was on the card as the groom to be. “There are a lot of beautiful girls out there, but I can only marry one of them. When I met Kathleen, I knew she was the one. I’m sorry it caused such a ruckus, but to be honest I’m not all that surprised.”
When reached for comment, the bride to be, Kathleen Briscoe, rolled her eyes.

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