Part 1: The Loony Bin Meet-Cute

We met at therapy. Not your everyday meet-cute, we know—but it’s ours. It still makes us chuckle to say: we met at the loony bin.

It almost didn’t happen that way. He was supposed to start therapy on a certain day. So was I. But I had moved my start date—four or five times, actually. The final time, I told the clinic I couldn’t make the first day, and they suggested I start with the next group intake a week later instead of missing the beginning. Looking back, that one-week delay made all the difference. If I had started on time, we might have ended up in different groups. We might have still met, maybe even hung out—but it’s hard not to wonder if the story would have unfolded the same way.

Instead, we found ourselves in the same room, in the same circle, in a season of vulnerability and growth—two strangers learning how to heal, unknowingly about to change each other’s lives.

But not immediately. There was no cinematic slow-motion glance from across the room. No moment of magnetic eye contact. I think we both barely registered each other at first. I was still deep in my own mess—burned out after years of trying to keep it all together, a dissertation— expected to last a year— that I had been working on for about 3 years, my four-year long relationship barely clinging to life support, and my emotional energy scraping the bottom of the barrel and still coming up empty. I had just started craving space, craving freedom, the kind that comes with finally allowing yourself to stop performing. That craving was louder than anything or anyone else in the room. I had my walls up, a tangled knot of burnout and heartbreak to unravel.

Tim, meanwhile, was quietly on the edge of a burnout cliff himself. Not crashing and burning—yet—but stuck in that space where life starts to feel like a series of motions you’re supposed to go through, crawling by on greyscale. He had friends, work, hobbies—but something was missing, even if he couldn’t quite name it at the time. The kind of restlessness you don’t always notice until you stop and realise how long it’s been since something truly lit you up.

So there we were: two people sitting in the same circle, speaking truths into a room full of strangers. Sometimes laughing, sometimes crying, sometimes just silently surviving the awkward check-ins and deep dives into our emotional baggage. Week by week, we started to notice each other—not in any dramatic or romantic way, but in that subtle, slow-building awareness that grows when you hear someone speak honestly over and over again. His dry, slightly dark sense of humour started to catch my attention. He wasn’t loud about it, but it was there, tucked between the lines, never inappropriate but often sharply observant. The kind of wit that made me smirk in group and laugh out loud during lunch breaks.

Eventually, we became friends. Comfortable ones. The kind that talk too long on walks after session, or linger in the kitchen during group meals. The kind that quietly wonder: is this just friendship, or is something else happening here?

Part 2: The Not-a-Date Date (and the “Dating Experiment”)

The first time we met outside of therapy, we grabbed lunch. That was all it was supposed to be—just lunch. But somehow, lunch turned into a walk, then drinks, and before we knew it, we had spent the whole day together. It was easy and fun, even though awkward at times, and full of that light, teasing energy that feels suspiciously like flirting, and all of a sudden it was 2 am. Later that night, both of us sat alone in our respective homes, wondering the same thing: Wait… was that a date?

Neither of us knew. But we both knew we wanted more of it.

By the time we started dating for real, I was clear about one thing: I didn’t want a relationship. I had just dragged myself out of one, which had left me depleted, and finally starting to feel like myself again. All I wanted was to be free. I wanted to flirt with life, travel light, feel untethered. I very openly told Tim that I was in my “do-my-own-thing” era. I made it clear that he was great, but I didn’t want to become someone’s partner or girlfriend, didn’t want to be anyone’s anything, really. And definitely not his.

To his credit, he took that in stride. He explained that he was looking for someone to eventually share his life with, but he wasn’t in a rush. “It doesn’t mean it has to be you,” he said, which sounds harsh but was strangely comforting. We could just date. No expectations. No promises. So, being the nerdy scientists we are, we tried this thing: we called it dating, but in a very chill, no-pressure, no-labels, “experiment” kind of way, complete with plans for regular status analysis.

And for a while, it worked.

Until it didn’t.

It was fun. Unexpectedly gentle. He treated me with a kind of attentiveness and respect that made me suspicious at first. Like—what’s your angle, dude? But there wasn’t one. He was just... kind. Thoughtful. Actually listened when I spoke, respected my boundaries, how he treated me exactly the way I had always dreamt a partner would treat me. Did the things I had long since decided were unrealistic to hope for in a partner. Things that were (in my mind) outrageous exaggerations, fail-safe systems meant to prevent me from falling for anyone. And that, ironically, is what messed me up. Because somehow, in the soft spaces between our conversations and the way he looked at me like I’m the bees knees without trying to fix anything, I started catching feelings. Real ones.

So, naturally, I panicked. It was terrifying.

Part 3: The One That Changed Everything

He had his flaws—don’t get me wrong. He could be emotionally walled off, and his indifference toward certain social issues rubbed me the wrong way. There were a lot of things I’d been holding in—questions, doubts, fears. The fact that I’m a brown woman and he’s a white man, and there were things about the world—about my world—that he didn’t seem to understand or even notice. Not in a malicious way, but in that callous, insulated way that privilege can sometimes create. I told him we had to talk. Again. About whether we should keep going or just stop before things got too complicated. So I did the most emotionally efficient thing I could think of: I wrote it all down. Three or four pages of stream-of-consciousness doubts and frustrations, scribbled into my notebook, complete with a side essay on how I did want kids someday and how he had told me, very clearly, that he didn’t. He’d never liked kids. Never wanted to be a father.

I was crushed by the idea that that might be the end of us. I didn’t even want to be in a relationship, and yet I was devastated by the thought of losing him.

We met on the banks of Lake Alster. It was one of those crisp October evenings where the air feels charged and the city lights shimmer on the water. It was beautiful. I was a mess.

I handed him my notebook. He sat there, flipping through my chaos on paper, and then—in true Tim fashion, blunt, frank, and yet somehow gentle and thoughtful, he addressed every single point—he responded to everything. He didn’t pretend to have the right answers. He didn’t make grand promises. Instead, he admitted what he didn’t know and said he wanted to listen, learn and grow with me. He told me he was still very much in love with me.

And so, on October 7th, 2022, I agreed to be his girlfriend. My heart was pounding, my stomach full of butterflies—the good kind, not the anxious kind. We sat on the bench by the water, holding hands, giggling like teens, repeating the words boyfriend and girlfriend just to hear how they sounded.

We sat there for ages, giddy and freezing, wrapped up in each other and still giggling like teens at the strange newness of the words boyfriend and girlfriend. We said them over and over again, half-laughing, like trying on names that somehow already fit.

It was surreal. Pure magic. And I had never felt anything quite like it.

Q + A

Q + A coming soon!