During the Stay at Home Order in April of 2020 I joined an online dating website looking for someone to talk to.

Adam seemed relatively normal, and after a few messages via the app, he asked for my actual phone number. I made him promise not to send me any d*ck pics (yes, that's a regular and awful online dating thing!) and after he repeatedly telling me he would never... I gave him my number. I swore if I got one unsolicited photo, I was blocking him forever.

The first text that came through was...

I believe that one was followed very closely by a picture of Dick Cheney. I quickly decided he was a decent guy and before I knew it, he had talked his way into bringing me dinner.

I had never actually seen him, only photos that I hoped were at least somewhat current... so who knew what I was committing to?? I decided to go for it, with a six foot rule - I knew I could avoid the awkward online date fail hug at the end and it would be super easy to never see him again, all I had to do was blame the pandemic if I needed to.

Our first "date" was on April 26, 2020 at my kitchen table. I use the word date lightly, as everything during the pandemic was a little out of the norm.

Aside from take out and Instacart delivery EVERYTHING, including parks and the beach itself, were shut down and there was nowhere we could think of to go on a "date", even if it was simply to eat take out on a bench somewhere outside, with six feet between us. I agreed to let him pick up take out and bring it to my condo - where I told him I would open all the windows and scream if he turned out to be a creeper.

We picked a local establishment and he told me to go to Google Maps, find their menu, and tell him what I wanted. I perused a few minutes and texted him my order.

Google Maps and I are not friends. At. All.

I had found a totally different restaurant by the same name in a different state. So when Adam called in my order - it was something that wasn't on their menu at all. Not even remotely close to anything they had available.

My Google Maps skills have not improved.

After my order debacle, he pulled into my condo's parking lot, got out of his new to him yet old as hell Ford Expedition, waved up to me on the balcony, and asked for paper towels. He had just spilled a boozy strawberry milkshake all over the inside of his "new" truck.

I'm pretty sure he never shared that shake with me and I know he failed hard at the six foot rule!

No, no, no... Now you see, what had happened was...

I was hungry and about to go to 4th Street Fillin' Station. She said she was hungry, so I said I could bring her some food if she wanted. We could go to like a park bench or something somewhere and be in neutral territory and outside so we're not as susceptible to the 'VID. She said, “Nah, just come to my place.”

I was thinking, oh boy, cougar is ready to pounce. I better put on some clean underwear and maybe some deodorant.

I order the food and go pick it up. I had to get a boozy milkshake. I mean, the best part of COVID times was to-go drinks. Well, evidently gravity made the cupcake that was skewered with the straw slide down and there was some displacement in an already overfilled cup. My car smelled like strawberry for a while.

We ate, we watched a movie or something and chatted on the couch. I totally ignored the 6ft rule and I didn’t get maced or hear a blood curdling scream, so I think things went pretty well. I weaseled my way into seeing her for the next like 7 consecutive days.

I will say, I’ve had my share of first sightings where I’m like, what camera angle did you use? Where do I have to stand to get that pic? Miranda is the only person I’ve gone out with where her pictures didn’t do her justice. Nothing compares to her real smile.