In a kingdom far, far away, many moons ago, King Arthur ruled in a time of war. Now, King Arthur had his knights to keep the peace. Of these knights, there was none greater than Sir Allison of Perryton, the first female knight. This is her story…

Allison of Perryton was known around the kingdom. She was strong, brave, and the handsomest of women. With her sword she had vanquished many beasts and saved many people. She was loved and feared. She was kind and pretty ripped. Like not overly ripped where your all like “dang eat a freakin’ doughnut,” but like the right kind of ripped. She was so popular that her helmet had to have them hater blockers built into it. She was a big deal is what I’m trying to say.

One day King Arthur came to her with a quest. He was all like “Sir Allison, you are my best knight and I have a dangerous mission for you. There have been rumors of a hideous beast in the woods outside the kingdom. Large and horse-like with fire all over its body. It has been scaring all the people out of the forest and eating those it captures. You must slay it and bring me back its head.

“I accept,” replied Sir Allison.

The next day Allison set out for the woods only bringing her sword and her trusted hunting dog, Ranger. The woods were dark and silent. Allison’s hair stood up as she entered the woods. There was a feeling in the air and an unsettling feeling, there was also an unsettling smell in the air but she was pretty sure that was Ranger.

Meanwhile, the centaurs of the woods were talking in their camp. (If you don’t know what a centaur is it’s a half horse half man person. Also get an imagination please). The centaurs were strong, noble creatures who were often misunderstood and feared just because they were different. Of all the centaurs, the most misunderstood was a red-haired centaur named Keaton. See, Keaton was a strong centaur just like the rest, but his red hair was weird, and he had fallen on some rough times. He tore his horse A.C.L., lost his job, moved back in with his centaur parents. He just had a lot of untapped horse potential. Anyways as the centaurs met, a watchman came galloping into camp.

“My lords, the great human warrior, Allison of Perryton approaches quickly!”

A panic rushed over the camp.

“Silence!” exclaimed Frank, the king of the centaurs. “Allison is no match for me, King of the centaurs.” Frank then pulled out his long sword that was covered in priceless gems, swung it about and stabbed it into the ground. “I am your lord, and I will protect you.”

Keaton rolled his eyes “Well that was a little pretentious.”

“What was that Keaton?!” said Frank.

“Oh uhhh nothing.” Said Keaton as his mother slapped him on the back of the head.

“Good, now you all go run and hide while a squash this human.” Said Frank with his chest puffed out.

All the centaurs hid as Allison and Ranger approached the camp.

“Where is the centaur whose fur is made of flames?” asked Allison.

“Silence woman!” exclaimed Frank “I am lord here and you shall address me as such.”

“I don’t need to address you at all.” Said Allison. “I need to address who ever is the centaur, made of fire, that keeps eating people.”

“Do you know whom you speak to woman?!” Frank snapped back.

“No, actually, and can we stop with the whole “woman” thing. My name is Allison. Who are you?”

“I am Lord Frank of the centa…”

“Wait… Frank? Really”

“Yeah, why. What’s wrong with Frank”

“Oh nothing, just Frank. I don’t know it’s not a very strong name I guess.”

“How dare you woman!!!” said Frank, unaware that those words would be his last.

Allison was sick of the whole “you woman” thing and quickly drew her blade and sliced off his head. The other centaurs began to panic. “What are we going to do? We’re all doomed” they said. Then one centaur spoke up. “She said she was looking for a centaur with fire for fur. That’s gotta be Keaton. His red fur must look like fire to the humans.”

“Wow, wow, wow,” said Keaton “She also said that it’s been eating humans, I haven’t been eating any humans.”

“Your gut sure looks like you’ve been eating humans,” said Keaton’s mother.

“Wow I’ve put on a few pounds, but I mean give me a break I’m not sixteen anymore.”

“You live at home like you’re 16” said Keaton’s dad.

“Come on cut me some slack here.” Said Keaton. “Ok, ok, ok, you guys wait here. I’ll go take care of this.”

“What are you going to do” asked a young centaur.

Keaton chuckled, smirked, pushed back his flowing mane and said, “Don’t worry kid, just stay here while I… lay on the charm.”

Keaton walked backwards till he almost stepped on Allison.

“Hey!” yelled Allison.

“Oh sorry, I didn’t see you there” said Keaton as he turned around, leaned on a tree and gave her the “The Eyes”

“Why are you looking at me like that?” said Allison.

“Looking at you how?” said Keaton

Allison starred at Keaton, she noticed his red fur, it was beautiful. She looked up at his face, it was welcoming. She looked down at his stomach, it… could’ve been flatter. That was when she put two and two together. “Hey! You’re the centaur that has been eating humans.”

“Woooow, calm down. No one has been eating humans.”

“Then where have all the missing humans been going.”

“What missing humans? Tell me their names. Name one. Go ahead. I’ll wait.”

“Well,” Allison thought and then spoke “I guess I can’t name one.”

“That’s what I thought” said Keaton.

“Ok, you don’t have to be a jerk about it.”

“Oh I’m the jerk?” said Keaton “You’re here to kill me.”

“Well” said Allison “I’m here to kill a flaming centaur and you’re clearly not flaming”

“Oh, hahaha, uhh no,” said Keaton “I’m totally straight. Also, why are you killing gay centaurs I mean come on it’s 2017. We gotta be better than this”

“Stop!” exclaimed Allison, “I meant flaming like as in literally on fire.”

“Well that’s stupid. If I was on fire, I would be dying”

“You’re stupid!” exclaimed Allison and then said “Ranger, get him”

Keaton was afraid. Ranger charged at him with the force of a thousand farts. But when Ranger got close, he simply dropped a toy in Keaton arms and wagged his tail. Keaton was shocked. Both at the friendliness of the dog and how bad his dog farts smelled.

“Ranger?” said Allison. “You ok buddy? I’ve never seen him be so friendly to a centaur before. I mean he’s never seen one in real life, but he always barks at the ones on TV.”

“Well, I mean I am pretty cool,” replied Keaton

“Yeah, I guess you are,” said Allison as she looked into his eyes.

Keaton stared back,

“Hey this seems a little out of left field, but would you maybe want to get dinner some night. I know a local farmer who has the best organic hay," asked Keaton

“That sounds nice” said Allison

Allison and Keaton went on to date and then marry.

The end

Don’t think too much into the whole human and centaur dynamic of the relationship. Just enjoy the story.

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