Don't worry, Jessica did not know this town existed either. This is a wonderfully small town just outside of Bakersfield, CA (otherwise known as the armpit of California, per Adrian).

There IS an airport in Bakersfield. However, if finding it difficult to fly into, there is also an airport in Fresno, CA. If you are still having trouble finding reasonable flights, then it would seem LAX is your best bet. However, a bigger airport like LAX means that you will want to prepare your mind and soul for painstaking traffic conditions. Rent a car, make a playlist, and remember we will have an open bar at the party

The nearest place would be a Best Western in Wasco, CA. If not there, then try for places on the Rosedale side of Bakersfield, CA (this is North Bakersfield). Adrian recommends to avoid Oildale and Royaldale.