Shmulik’s Speech~

Loving Molly

I always thought that making a speech at one’s own wedding must be pretty hard. When singing the praises of your relationship, and of your partner, you have to manage a delicate balancing act. On the one hand, you have to respect the privacy that is constitutive of any real intimacy. But you also have to give the guests a look behind the scenes – a sense of your shared life, of what draws you to one another – a sense that goes beyond generic words of affection. So, with some trepidation, here’s my attempt at this juggling act.

I have this habit, where I smilingly proclaim that something that Molly just said or did is “grounds for marriage.” Of course it has its own acronym – GFM. Or even, in some moments, I announce a “DGFM,” which, clearly, stands for “Definite grounds for marriage.” Here are just a few of these definite grounds...

The first kind of grounds-for-marriage has to do with language. Molly’s language is wonderfully uniquely her own. Even when she channels Master Yoda - a fairly frequent event. And in case you’re wondering, Molly does an excellent Yoda hmmm. Anyway, here are some examples. If you ask someone to explain something to you, they would normally start by saying things like “well, it works this way,” or “the issue is....” Only Molly begins with “well, young Paduan...”

Just in case you’re fearing an excessive Star Wars focus, here’s another example of Molly’s unique language. Suppose that you ask someone how a person you both know is doing. Most people’s answer would be more or less predictable. Answers like “He’s doing great,” “she’s fine,” or “she had a tough week.” Only Molly would say “So and so? Oh, he’s teetering on the edge of fleeting joy.”

Yes, that’s a direct quote. And in case you’re wondering, it took Molly barely a fraction of a second to come up with it. And the thing is, while this inventiveness is always smiling, always so brimming with joyous intelligence, it never feels affected, artificial, or contrived. A bit like the most exciting sports teams or athletes, Molly makes you feel like her innovations are not just winning, but essential. You find yourself wondering how come others never thought of doing things that way before.

In fact, all of this is true even when Molly speaks Hebrew. You’d have to be a Hebrew speaker yourself to fully appreciate her Hebrew combinations – of biblical and modern Hebrew, of phrases, of verb structures, of tenses – but they are beyond lovable. Even in Hebrew, she manages to make her instinctive newfound creations so charming, that I can’t help but asking myself “how did no one else who actually speaks the language fluently ever think of bending the rules of grammar that way before.” I know you’ll think I’m teasing you. But I really do mean it. (:

Another category of grounds-for-marriage moments comes from – or with – music. Molly relishes, with equal delight and with incomparable versatility, canonical works by Bach, the Beatles, and Beyonce. And so many other musicians – and so many other artists - whose names do not start with a B. The list goes on and on...

More grounds-for marriage, you want, hmmmmmm? Sure. Molly has a charmingly hard time saying no to challenges of the mind. It could be a chess puzzle. Or a philosophy puzzle. Or a math puzzle. Or, better still, a Hebrew language puzzle. Or, even better than that, a philosophical chess puzzle told in Hebrew. The more the merrier. So how could a Hebrew-speaking, chess loving philosopher possibly have any choice but to marry her?

But it’s never just the mind. It’s the ear and heart too. Molly is miles ahead of anyone else I’ve ever met in listening. And if the she listens so well, it’s obviously because she cares so deeply.

Which partly brings me to a different note...something not just about moments that are grounds for marriage, but about entire days, virtually every weekday, in which Molly goes to work. I want to say something the contrast between that work and the world that surrounds us.

We increasingly seem to be living in a world that legitimates and even celebrates profound selfishness – from many icons of pop culture to the most powerful politicians. It’s not a world that’s much inclined to spare a thought for the less fortunate, let alone for some of the most vulnerable among us. In fact, ours increasingly seems to be a world that is just confused, puzzled, by someone who chooses to devote one’s working hours to the most vulnerable. After all, it’s not the sort of choice that brings one fame and acclaim. It does not bring riches and status. But that’s precisely the sort of choice that Molly has been making every day, for quite a while now.

I’m not inclined to believe in the existence of any sort of God.

But if there is one, Einstein was surely right that this god is playing with dice. And Molly is one of those all too rare individuals who devote their days and their hours – so many of their hours – to children who got really, really unlucky when their dice in life was thrown. Children who, in so many cases, do not have, and even cannot even dream about having, so many things that so many of us take for granted. Sometimes these are children who will never be able to speak or communicate in any standard way. Sometimes these are children who will remain children in the deep sense, even well into chronological adulthood. Sometimes these are children whose most basic ability to focus is so fragile, that it takes a specialist like Molly to see how to enable them to get from one classroom to another at school without getting lost, literally. It’s not work that gets one Nobels, or front covers in magazines, or publishers fighting over the right to publish one’s memoirs. It’s a sort of work that can tear your heart every day – I know it tugs so strongly on my mine every day, and summons my tears, when I hear what Molly did at work.

So while Molly may seem petite, I know you’ll understand from everything I’ve said just how big her personality actually is. And while she may seem fragile – even to herself – I want all of you to know how tough, in the right way, she is deep down.

Because it takes real toughness to do what she does every day. Precisely because doing it requires so much enduring tenderness and softness.

I know I’ve already spoken for a while. I promise I only have two more things to say. The first will not surprise any of you, given what you’ve heard so far. It’s simply that in a better world, it would be people like Molly who would be celebrated as society’s icons and heroes. In fact, it seems to me so obvious that if our world were populated by Mollies, it would be so unrecognizably kinder, happier, and brighter.

The second thought is about unusual heights of romance. When we think of the pinnacles of romance we often conjure classic, Hollywood-ish scenes. A pensive Parisian stroll along the Seine. A walk on a mellow sandy beach, or through a beautiful, idyllic, idealistic village. A concert by a beloved violinist you both admire. Molly and I have already been fortunate to share all of these sorts of moments, and I hope and trust there will be many more of them in the years to come.

But romance can have less obvious heights too. I had one of these a few weeks ago, and when it happened, I knew that this is how my never-ending speech would finally end. The moment stood out for me precisely because it was so small. I was leaving our building, and was in a real hurry to sort out some errands. But I noticed a package that the delivery folks – Amazon, UPS, etc. – left in the area where they shouldn’t.

You see, items are often stolen from the front of our building, and the delivery folks have explicit instructions to place items behind the code-protected doors precisely to avert such theft, but they still don’t always do that. That was the case when I was rushing out, stressed, and yet, almost annoyed at myself, I forced myself to stop for a very specific reason. I almost found myself asking out loud – “What would Molly do?” And, grumbling – whether at myself, at the world, at my indecision – I retraced my hurried steps and shoved the package to where it would be safe. Just because that’s the thoughtful thing to do. I’m not sharing any of this to boast about myself. I’m sharing it to boast about her, and about the privilege of getting to ask myself in this intimate way, whenever extra kindness is called for – what would my better half do. I look forward to a lifetime of trying to be a better person by asking myself that question. One more of so many grounds for marriage. (:

Thank you.

M&S

Celebrate Our Marriage