As told by Ryan: July of 1988 was the second hottest on record at the time. Of course, by today's standards, it wasn't really that hot at all. Still, if one were to order an ice cream cone at around 2 pm at Bonnie Brae's on University Street in central Denver, Colorado during that particular Summer, one had better plan to finish that ice cream cone by 2:05 pm, or, alternatively, order the ice cream in a bowl (which is, of course, an entirely self-defeating concept).

As most of you will recall, Reagan was in office and nearing the end of his second term. It is speculated that a combination of patriotism, boredom, and a hidden-message in a certain gelatinous candy that we cannot afford to name here had, just nine-months earlier, inspired the President to commission the production of a series of super-babies to continue the Nation's successes in recent Olympics, and otherwise pursue wholesome Cold War-related activities. If only they had conducted more tests on the extremely dependable computing machines of the day, they might have caught the unfortunate, wholly-unexpected iteration that resulted in the personality of one particular male test-case born at Swedish Hospital on July 15, 1988 to unsuspecting participants named [Editor's Note: The next 18 or so pages have been redacted due to an inability to verify any factual basis.]

The mad scientist/40th President is known to have created at least one other specimen that survived the ensuing events [Editor's note: lightning crashes, and the wind howls, HOWLS damn you!]. Statistically having to do better on other attempts, this candidate comparatively possessed (and possesses--we assume, wherever she is) greater strength, better speed, higher intelligence, and a more pleasing skill-set, including the voice of a song-bird. Overall, She conducted Herself with a more palatable level of silliness (not that She wasn't silly, mind you, but thankfully She was much less silly than the aforementioned Blip, which most scholars and independent pollsters agree was, and is, just too silly). Most importantly, She was a girl (obviously), and thus, a member of the unequivocally superior sex (obviously). She was born on October 26, 1988, again, to otherwise unsuspecting, but still super-nice parents named [ Editor's Note: Although the next 20 or so pages really is more riveting stuff, it too has been nixed due to unsubstantiated claims.]

Then, one unbelievable thing after another happened. No sane person could have predicted the danger, tragedy, exhalation, loss, and generally middle-class triumphs that undulated through each of these kooky Experiment's lives. Stringing them all together is necessarily the result of madness (cloaked intermittently in the even more unsettling guise of normalcy)! It started when She--a serious and self-assured child--spoke for the first time. At the time, despite being older, He was still figuring out how to gesture toward delicious banana-puree airplanes. But She, Revolutionary Queen-to-be, simply started by saying [Editor's Note: We have deleted the next 450 pages due to grave national security concerns.]

Then, like a bat out of Hell, the Mad Scientist Reagan leaped into the cockpit of his rainbow-powered spaceship, setting a course for Saturn's 83rd moon and cackling, "You may have defeated me, but your children's children will feel the lasting impact of my totally unsanctioned interventions into Central and South America for generations!" And like that, the former 40th President was gone in so many ways, but still here in so many others. But mostly gone in a physical sense. "You Okay?" She asked, lowering the phaser-cannon from her shoulder. "Better now," He said. "Always better when I'm with you. I'm my best me, when I'm with you," He added. "You cheese-ball. Maybe you should stop going places without me, then" She said. "I'm with you forever--that is, if you'll have me," He replied. He got down on one knee [Editor's Note: Wow. We are pretty-confused about what's happening here, too. We are just going to skip ahead, because it looks like on page 502 we find out these characters are almost certainly not Ryan and Nicole (or, are they!?!?!?!).]

And anyway, like Nicole said, we met on Halloween. I love her totally and completely and I know she loves me just the same, too. We have had good times, we will have even better times, and we will have some tough times, too. And that's great either way because we will be doing it together! [Editor's Note: If you made it this far, sorry about that. We should have just directed you to Nicole's summary up-front.]

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