Where's the best place to meet the love of your life during the throes of 2020 COVID?

On a social-distance-friendly first date at an overgrown, barely marked hiking trail in the middle of nowhere. No cell signal, no other people—perfectly safe, right?

Polina wasn’t sure what she was looking for, only that it felt like it was time to get back out there; so, armed with her taser and stomping boots, she did the opposite of what any other uncoordinated woman with the physical dexterity of an overcooked noodle would do: agreed to meet a stranger in the woods, miles from all friends and family, with no cell or GPS signal.

Kyle, freshly graduated and working on obtaining his PT license, hadn’t updated his dating app location from DE back to NJ, so matching with a girl from bumbletruck Pennsylvania was a complete accident, but he matched with her anyway (if he didn’t, making this website would be a real red flag) and went without the protection of a taser or stomping boots.

Contrary to what you might be thinking, this questionable location wasn’t random. They chose it with logic (sort of). It was a COVID-friendly spot halfway between them—a hiking trail in upstate New York, doubling as the perfect setting for any true-crime podcast. Neither of them thought of it that way, of course—plus, Polina’s taser and deceptively sweet demeanor would have given any would-be attacker a rude surprise. (Thanks, Mom, for teaching her how to throw elbows and rip ears.)

Now, what does one usually bring to a first date? Flowers, right? Not Kyle. Instead, he gave Polina an adorable starter plant—African violets that coincidentally matched her sweater (in a murder mystery, this would be a clue). Fun fact: African violets are among the hardest plants to keep alive, often described as the “tantrum toddlers” of the plant world. Polina, however, managed to keep them thriving for four years before their tragic demise at the hands (or paws) of their cat daughters.

(RIP Sven, 2020–2024.)

The two of them wandered up and down the trail, Kyle chatting but mostly getting them lost, and Polina pointing out random unsettling items discarded in the bushes (bikes, a fisher-price car, bats, etc.) and asking Kyle if each dead end they hit would be the site of her murder–he said no. Polina is often the brains of the operation when it comes to pointing out the obvious, and Kyle is the level-headed tactician directing them, so when she located the trail map on their walk back to the dusty-unpaved-dirt patch called a parking lot, they finally made their way to the lake they’d planned to sit by.

Once they’d made it past the very suspicious and creepy fisherman that both of them were too polite to ignore, they settled into their spot on the bank where Kyle committed his first act of brutality: obliterating Polina at Mario Kart. She’d talked a big game, knowing full well she was terrible, but hoped for a miracle. No such luck. (For the record, Kyle currently leads with 146 wins to Polina’s 33—ouch.)

After a few tragic rounds of the game and watching Ghibli’s Ponyo, Polina abruptly ended their lake date by nearly provoking a snapping turtle. (Polina has ADHD.)

For dinner, they chose a spot called "Tacos & Tequila." It would later become the site of Polina’s proposal to Kyle two years later, earning him the title of the belle of the ball—and a free dessert for the both of them.

A week after her proposal, Kyle popped the question on a weekend getaway in Pennsylvania—a magical place where Batman goes on holiday, and steakhouses are built inside old churches, with no creepy fishermen in sight.

Their first date, in retrospect, foreshadowed their relationship perfectly: full of gaming, comfort food, movies, and idle adventures, but mostly doing nothing—together.

In short, four years ago, these two met their best friend. In another universe, maybe their story would be a murder podcast episode, but thankfully, not in this one.

They met. Their families met. They love, support, comfort, and laugh together, making silly memories—and now, they’re getting married.

It’s a story about two dorks who fall in love. It's worth at least 4.5 stars on Goodreads, and the pacing is way better than One Piece.

P&K