#VVyCCPorSiempre

In All About Love, bell hooks urges us to embrace love as a practice. She writes, "When we love by intention and will, by showing care, respect, knowledge, and responsibility, our love satisfies."

We are lucky to have a friend in Gary James, our officiant, who models "love as a practice" in his connections with others. To practice love is to practice actions that foster connection and understanding.

Gary and his husband, Alberto, have generously shared their advice as they've reflected on their marriage, and they've given us permission to share them with you.

Joint decision-making: No unilateral decisions. Decisions that impact the two of you should be made by the two of you.

Listen for understanding: When your partner says something you disagree with or don’t understand, don’t respond immediately with your opinion. Ask questions to understand what they are saying, how they are feeling, and reassure them - even if their reaction is very different from how you would react.

Share wants, not criticism: Don’t criticize the other person’s personality or way of doing something. Just because they are different from you doesn’t mean they are wrong. Instead, share your wants or what you’re struggling with. Don’t let negative feelings build.

Feelings fluctuate but growth is enduring: The most enduring type of love is continuous, mutual growth and self-improvement - the effort to become a better version of yourself for yourself and your partner and to meet their wants. Continue working on yourself and help the other person meet their goals. Intensity of feeling and connection will fluctuate over time, but the commitment to growing together should stand the test of time. Love is a decision you make every day.

Keep working on yourself: When you’re really close with another person, your flaws will come out. We all have these soft spots that when they are triggered can elicit strong negative feelings and reactions. Try to understand what your soft spots are, where they come from, how you cope when you feel them, how it impacts your relationship, and what you need from the other person. It may feel like the other person is “causing” these strong feelings, but the soft spot was likely there with you the whole time.

Keep building connection: Give each other compliments and gratitude, even for small things. This will help keep building connection. Also, don’t let the impulse to be right overtake your impulse to be kind.

Time apart: Spend time apart to give yourself the opportunity to miss each other.

New experiences: Keep doing new things together (bowling, golf, new restaurants, etc.). Go outside your comfort zone from time to time to do something just because your partner wants to.

Regular check-ins: Have regular check-ins to give each other compliments, talk about anything unresolved, and share what you need going into the next week/month.