It was October 2020. The night was moist, almost sultry. But there was a coldness in the air. Perhaps it was the alligators only 10 feet away resting on their shore. It was a fluke that we were even there at all; she came to celebrate a wedding reception that COVID originally cancelled and I came to play a gig for that same venue that ended up being open. Regardless, there was a lot of fun to be had and it was surprisingly lively.


After our set, a mysterious woman grabbed me and took me to a car full of her friends. She exclaimed, “want to meet some single ladies?” I said, “sure!” “This is Nicole,” she announced. “Oh yeah,” I said, “I know her. Hey Nicole!” She tried again, “This is Kristen, want her number?” I said, “sure!” And that was that! As the car pulled away, the texting began. It was witty and fun and by the end of the night, I blew her off... and that was that!


Halloween was approaching and I tried to reconnect. With everyone dressed in costume, I stopped by a bar to visit Kristen and her friends. And this time, she blew me off. And that was that! How dare she: Touchè.


The next event with friends was the Tour de Liquor. This is the nonsensical association of biking, bar crawling, and heavy drinking... all at the same time. I showed up in my pizza onesie and Kristen showed up with a date and was surrounded by ex-boyfriends. The event consisted of several bar stops including my house for a surprise shot. At the second bar stop, unbeknownst to Kristen, her date had removed his shirt and started doing cartwheels and handstands with a girl in the middle of her photoshoot. Kristen started sweating profusely and needed antiperspirant STAT. She asked me if I had some at my house. I then thrust up her arm and took a whiff. “You smell like grapefruit. You dont need deodorant!” She blushed and giggled, “No, I need antiperspirant, not deodorant.” I didnt know there was a difference between the two. Who knew? Well, pretty much everyone. We headed inside the bar and I bought her a Pacifico, which I learned was her favorite beer.


Looking pretty tipsy, the leader of the pack rounded up the sauced cyclists and they pedaled to the next stop, my house. So, I handed out about 50 Irish coffee shots and played some tunes. Kristen reminded me that her pits still needed some attention. I lured her upstairs, past the boudoir, into the bathroom to get the antiperspirant. I whipped out my Speed Stick (Byyyyy... Mennen) and began vigorously rubbing. “Oww”, she exclaimed. “That hurts!” Oops, I didn’t twist the dial to expose enough stick. Meanwhile, blood was squirting all over my kitchen. Seems that the Tour de Liquor hostess wiped out and landed ass first on the stunt peg. Karah will remain nameless. 🤣


Everyone survived the event, including the wounded hostess. After they removed the makeshift electrical tape bandage, the team of neurosurgeons gave her ten stitches in her arse. And that is why we now call her Swiss Cheeks.


Time passes, phone bills increase, and carpal tunnel ensues from the copious amount of texts back and forth. A bunny-shaped halo formed above my head when I learned that she loves costumes as much as I do. Kristen finally says yes to the mess and we schedule a night out together on a Sunday.


I received an angry text December 4, the Friday before our date. Kristen informed me that she was very angry, needed to break some stuff, and asked, “wanna go throw axes?” I replied hesitantly, “um.. sure? That kinda scares me.” She said, “I like that you’re scared. I’m scared too.” Ok, not your typical date. I’m intrigued and she sounds fun. I am really looking forward to it.


Kristen offered to pick up daiquiris. However, she realized that she was running late and texted that she wouldnt be able to get them. I offered up some beer from my refrigerator. She agreed….with prejudice. She didn’t want what she figured I had in my fridge, shitty dark beer. Meanwhile, she feverishly went to her local gas station to buy some classy beer. But you just can’t bring a bunch of 40s in paper bags, can you? So, she went home empty handed. I went to the store because I wasnt going to bring shitty dark beer. I knew she liked Mexico, Mexicans, and Mexican beer so I picked up a 12 pack of Pacifico. I headed over to Stumpys, where you can throw axes safely...while getting hammered.


I waited for her. When she arrived late, she was tense and looked worried. She later told me that she was afraid I had been practicing and would beat her. As we all know, Kristen is not competitive at all....


After we signed about 10 different release forms, we were escorted to our axe cage. “You brought Pacifico?,”
she squealed. Just then, a beer-bottled halo formed above her head and a tear fell from her eye. She later told me that that was the moment she fell for me - the moment she knew.


We had a great time. Afterwards, we decided to stay out and hit a couple of bars downtown. Nothing was open due to COVID, but we had a lot of beer left over (despite the fact that she pounded four beers because she was nervous) so we walked around enjoying each other’s company. I realized that I was a fool not to have seized the opportunity to get to know her the first time. That is when we both knew...


And thats why we are here today!


Over the past several years you may have seen us around town dressed as:

Bunny Rabbit and a Koala
Monty Python and the Holy Grail characters, Black Knight and Killer Rabbit
Danny and Sandy from Grease
Candy Canes
Billy Idol and one of those girls from Bananarama
Hedley Lamarr and Lili Von Shtüpp from Blazing Saddles
Amazing Studio 54 couple
Weird sex couple from the movie Eyes Wide Shut
Hurricane and Weather Channel News Reporter
Space Alien and Space Monster
Krewe du Vieux Inspect Her Gadget
Police Officer and Photo Enforced Traffic Camera
Peasant girl vampire
Random Romans
Killer Clown and Killer Rabbit
Towelie and Nathan from South Park
Snail Mail Postal Carriers
Billy Idol and Madonna
The Motorcycle Cop and Construction Worker from the Village People
Revamped Space Alien and Space Monster
Billy Idol and Madonna 2.0
Cookie Monster and Count Von Count

etc... etc...