We know you're curious.
Updated Jun 09, 2025Who Comes First: Your Spouse or Your Children?
We know you're curious.
Photo: Natalie Romine, Stocksy
Marriage is about more than just saying "I do." It's about building a life with your partner. From buying a house and planning for retirement to having children and creating traditions, having a forever partner to share life with can be truly wonderful. But it also requires you to readjust your priorities and your approach to certain relationships. After all, your spouse is now your family. Should they come first? Or should your kids lead the pack? What about your family of origin, such as your parents and siblings? Are there situations where you might need to choose between your children and your spouse? We spoke with relationship experts to get the inside scoop.
Who Comes First, Your Spouse or Kids?
In a marriage with children, it may seem counterintuitive not to put the kids first. However, Yvonne Thomas, a couples and family psychologist, says it is "healthier" to prioritize your spouse because it will be advantageous for your entire family. When you place your spouse first and vice versa, you'll have a stronger marriage because you will both feel loved, supported and appreciated. "This can make the kids feel more comfortable and happy too, since the quality of their parents' relationship—and thus the quality of their home life—can be genuinely positive," Thomas says.
Marissa Peer, founder and creator of Rapid Transformational Therapy, says another benefit of prioritizing your relationship with your spouse is that your children will have strong self-worth. "Your job as a parent is to raise your child with incredibly high self-esteem," she says. "Many parents think their job is to protect their child or give their child organic foods. All of that is important, but the self-esteem of your child is the most important."
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While your kids might be young now, another benefit is that having a strong marriage will teach them about what to look for in a spouse and how to be a good partner. "Kids can literally see what it's like to be in a loving relationship in which there is a true partnership, respect, and joy from being a couple," says Peer. "By experiencing this emotional stability between their parents, the kids can learn how to do this when they have their own romantic relationships, too."
4 Ways to Prioritize Your Marriage & Kids
1. Focus on your marriage.
Before your spouse was a parent or step-parent they were the love of your life. That didn't change just because you welcomed children into your lives. But all too often couples lean so heavily into parenting that they let the intimacy of their relationship fall by the wayside. You get so busy with diapers, nap schedules, school and other childcare that it's hard to remember the last time you had a date night. You may even feel like you've fallen into roommate syndrome and are more like roomies than romantic partners.
"It's imperative to set aside time to maintain or rekindle the romantic and passionate part of your relationship," Thomas says. "Reserve that time in each partner's calendar so that this commitment is taken as seriously as any other time."
2. Remember: Your priorities will fluctuate.
Although putting your partner first is important, there are times when your kids will come first. For example, more of your attention will be focused on their health and growth during the newborn and toddler phases.
"When you have a very new baby, they are by nature dependent on you," says Peer. "So you must put your child first. But as your children get older, you need to change that priority back to your partner."
As with any rule or advice, life happens. We can't always predict when our attention will be needed elsewhere due to sudden change, a crisis or other circumstances out of our control. Some weeks, it'll be all about the kids. Others, it'll be all about work. Sometimes, it'll be all about your parents, who will need your attention as they age. Things will shift, and that's normal.
Remember to be flexible. Having a rigid belief that your children or your spouse should always come first can cause conflict. "Understanding that this fluctuates is one of the keys to having an amazing marriage," Peer says.
One way juggle it all is to create a priority list broken into the following sections:
- Your needs
- Your spouse's needs
- Your children's needs
- Your parent's needs
- Your household's needs
3. Learn each other's love languages.
Real talk: Having one date night a month isn't enough to maintain the health of your marriage. Instead, Thomas suggests learning each other's love languages so you both feel heard and valued as much as possible.
"By knowing this information, each spouse can show love to the other in those specific ways," she says. "This is very important so that the two partners are on the same wavelength and are receiving love in a way that feels best for each spouse." If your love language is words of affirmation, it will mean more to you to get a love letter saying how great of a parent and partner you are than receiving a gift. Likewise, if your spouse's love language is quality time, those screen-free date nights will be more impactful than acts of service like unloading the dishwasher or taking out the trash. (Not that both wouldn't be appreciated…)
4. Don't forget to prioritize your own needs.
You might feel like you're so busy putting your spouse, your children and your parents first that you no longer have time for yourself. "Sometimes you have to do something I call honoring yourself," Peer says. "You are like a battery and need to recharge. Your own needs should certainly be in this group of family, spouse and children."
Whether it's a weekly yoga class, three hours on Saturday morning to relax, or something else entirely, your "me" time should also be part of the equation. It will make you a better partner and parent.
