How I Share Money Power With My Spouse

I've dedicated my career to telling people what to do with their money. I am, ahem, known for my very strong opinions on what to do, and not do. You might think that would lead me to wear the financial pants in my relationship with my wife, KT.

If so, you are so wrong.

KT and I have been together for nearly 19 years, and married for nine. From very early on, a signature of our relationship is that we share all money decisions 50-50. Why?

Love is one thing. But respect is everything.

When we met in our early 50s, we both were long financially secure. KT had recently moved on after 20 years as president of Asia's largest brand-building agency. Still, I had more money, and I was continuing to make more money. I think in many traditional couples from decades past (and present), that dynamic would have meant I could—and should—make all the money decisions.

Please.

My advice for couples has always been that who makes more money is irrelevant. If you want a healthy relationship, sharing decisions and control of money is a must. And that's what KT and I have done.

Early on, we made the decision that we didn't need to set up a joint bank account to pay the bills. We both had our own homes at that point and we found it worked for us to continue to cover those expenses separately. Over time, as we sold our old properties and bought new ones together, we came up with a system where we mutually agree who handles the payment for which bills.

Yes, that's different from the advice I give young couples merging their finances to work from a joint checking account. I recommend that step when you both need the other's income to make the finances work.

We were past that point. But we've completely merged how we spend money, how we share money with our family and friends, and you better believe we've both created living revocable trusts that'll ensure whomever lives longest has the easiest and clearest path to handle the other's assets and possessions.

I've also been adamant that KT be in charge of her money. It would've been disrespectful for me to have stepped in and told her what I thought she should do. When you insist on making decisions or controlling how things play out, you render your partner powerless. I never wanted that for my love, and I hope you feel the same about yours.

Sure, I offer opinions and guidance, but KT is the decision maker for her money. If she had no money of her own, I would have insisted she become an expert in my money, because it would be our money.

We're also in business together. KT is my brand manager/business manager/creative force of nature. She plays a big role in my work. And I insist that she be recognized and paid directly for her work. In any business deal, the contract makes it clear that I'm paid for my work and KT is paid directly for hers by the business we're partnering with. That's respecting KT for the businesswoman she is. And on a practical level, if anything were to happen to me, or our relationship, it wouldn't impact her getting paid.

Where we have completely merged our finances is based on decisions in how we spend money.

When we want to give a financial gift to a relative, friend or causes we support, we make those decisions together. Before we send money to any friend or relative, we talk through whether we'll be helping or hurting that person. Giving money to someone who doesn't respect money will not help them. Sure, it might cover a bill this month—but then what? They just stay in their damaging loop of poor decisions. In those instances, we do our best to help that person stand in their truth and create a healthier relationship with money—and then, we're eager to help.

Our shared vision of financial decisions is one of the many ways we remind each other how attached we are. Can we both afford to buy whatever we want? Absolutely. But there's no joy or fun in that. What gives us both so much pleasure is that when it comes to bigger-ticket items, we only buy something that we both love, and that we're both on board for.

KT and I live on an island in the Bahamas most of the year, where a great day is any day we can be out on a boat fishing. We discovered fishing years ago as a couple, and it's become the most wonderful shared hobby. Actually, we're sort of obsessed.

Early in our fishing days, I announced we should buy a boat. KT insisted we keep renting boats and see if this new hobby was going to stick. For five years we rented, until KT gave us the green light.

Over the years, as we've progressed from newbies to master fishers, I've often said it was time to buy a new boat that fit our expanding skills. Again, KT has always put the brakes on me, insisting we give it some time to see if we really need that next-level boat.

Am I pissed when she won't let me buy the new boat right when I want to, even though I could buy the boat with "my" money? Absolutely not. Again, it's not about the money. It's about the shared vision of how to use money. And for the record, we have indeed traded in multiple boats, and every time it's been something we were both excited about.

I can't overstate how important our spending pact is. A few years ago, I inadvertently broke the pact. KT quickly—and correctly—pointed out my misstep, and I realized that was a line I didn't want to cross.

We had renovated a home in San Francisco (that we've since sold), and had been looking for months for just the right statue for an alcove. We knew exactly what we wanted, but hadn't yet found it. One day we were driving around town, when we saw something we both immediately thought could be it.

I jumped out of the car to investigate, while KT set out to find parking (no easy feat in San Francisco). By the time KT made it to the gallery, I had already bought the statue. Without KT's input.

She wasn't happy. I had broken our rule of making all big-ticket/home purchases together. Sure, my heart was in the right place. But KT told me it wasn't about the money, and as much as she liked the statue, if it was in our home, it would be a constant reminder of how I had broken our rule. She was so right. We left the gallery without the statue.

That moment wasn't about me giving up my money power. It was a wonderful reminder of the mutual empowerment we've built into our relationship. I wish you the same in yours.

Pssst—ready to start estate planning together? Purchase Suze Orman's must-have documents package. The online program includes everything you need to create a will, revocable trust, financial power of attorney and durable power of attorney for healthcare. Even better, it's personalized to your specific situation thanks to an easy questionnaire you'll fill out. It's basically like having a financial planner and trust attorney all in one. Did we mention it's a $2,500 value for only 80 bucks?