Are You Complacent in Your Relationship? Here's How to Tell

Once the initial butterflies of a relationship have worn off, you might ask yourself whether you're being complacent in your relationship.

The trouble with fairy tales—and, later, romantic comedies—is that they create unrealistic expectations of what a healthy relationship should look like. Real, healthy long-term relationships are filled with far more nights watching Netflix on the couch than kissing in Paris under the rain.

While we know that sometimes even the happiest relationships can feel stagnant or boring, it can be difficult to ascertain what level of complacency is normal versus when we may be, well, settling.

To better understand complacency in a relationship, we turned to Kristen Mark, a sex and relationship researcher, and Anya Laeta, an intimacy and relationship coach.

In this article:

• What Is Complacency in a Relationship?
• Signs of Complacency in a Relationship
• What Does It Mean if You Feel Complacent?
• How to Avoid Complacency in a Relationship

What Is Complacency in a Relationship?

"Complacency is a level of comfort whereby you don't feel like you need to actively put in extra effort to keep the relationship afloat," Mark says.

On the surface, that isn't a bad thing. In fact, if you feel like you're putting in too much effort, or that your effort feels one-sided, that could be a sign of an unhealthy or unbalanced relationship. Mark says if anything, complacency can mean you're very secure in your relationship. "However, complacency can sometimes be a precursor to boredom or monotony if you let things sit on autopilot for too long."

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Laeta adds that people are often on their best behavior early on in a relationship as they're trying to win their partner over. But once the honeymoon period ends, things often change. "Fast forward a year or two and complacency shows up when partners get lazy and start taking each other for granted," she says.

Whether you think you've found "the one" but you're stuck in a rut or you worry the lack of progress in your relationship is a sign you're both losing steam, read on for how to deal with relationship complacency.

Signs of Complacency in a Relationship

Of course, every couple in a long-term relationship will experience feelings of boredom or monotony. But there are certain signs that may point to a larger issue, rather than just a normal season of life.

"Once you start to notice that you aren't doing things like special date nights, celebrating the little things or making alone time together that meaningfully prioritizes connection, these can be signs of complacency," Mark says. So, while it's very normal to feel like life is a bit monotonous on a random Tuesday night, you may want to really check in with yourself or your significant other if you find it's been months since a date night—or if you skip a celebration or ritual that typically brings you joy.

Laeta agrees that a major sign of complacency is a lack of effort in making your partner feel special. She also adds these warning signs:

• Not caring about your physical appearance or good manners
• Not feeling or showing curiosity about your partner's life
• Disregarding your partner's opinion
• Criticizing your partner or being irritable without much concern for how it makes them feel
• Not prioritizing physical intimacy or your sex life
• Giving up on trying to solve disagreements
• Ignoring bids for attention
• Being more excited to spend time with friends than your partner
• Becoming enmeshed with your partner, abandoning your interests and hobbies

If any of these sound familiar, pay attention to signs you or your partner may be becoming complacent in your relationship. It can be easy to write off small things such as a busy day or tough week, but acknowledging when one or both of you has gotten a little too comfortable can help you get back on track.

What Does It Mean if You Feel Complacent?

Interestingly, complacency can look a whole lot like the glorious comfort of settling into a new relationship. You've started to figure out your partner's communication style, maybe you've met their friends and family, and you feel confident in your mutual feelings and sexual desire. Mark says that typically, complacency, "means you're pretty secure in your relationship and you have a strong base. But don't let that strong base of secure attachment fool you into getting complacent for too long."

How can you know whether it's a normal ebb and flow of your relationship or a sign of a bigger problem? "Take an honest look at your relationship and ask yourself how you would feel if you knew things would stay the same for the next five to 10 years," Laeta says.

Comfort is great, but it's also important that your relationship continues to evolve and grow.

How to Avoid Complacency in a Relationship

The first step is being conscientious and wanting to avoid complacency in the first place. Having a desire to grow your relationship and develop an even stronger bond is hugely important. From there, Mark has some concrete ideas for avoiding complacency.

"Be sure to continue to celebrate together for anniversaries, birthdays and promotions," she says. "And don't forget to celebrate even small victories, like a promotion at work or a successful transition from diapers to potty training for your kid. These smaller day-to-day wins are worth celebrating." Recognizing even the smallest victories helps you remember that you're on the same team, both working toward a fulfilling life together.

While celebrating your kids and professional achievements is important, it's equally as important to carve out time for just your romantic relationship. " Schedule date nights where you have alone time to really connect, even if that alone time is just in your living room when the kids are asleep," Mark says. "This time to turn toward one another will be important for keeping complacency that becomes problematic at bay."