3 Experts Share How to Be Independent in a Relationship

A new relationship is exciting! There are the butterflies of the early days, the anticipation of each date, and wanting to learn every detail and quirk about your new partner. But, as you commit to each other, it's just as important to learn how to be independent in a relationship as it is to focus on building a partnership.

It takes two whole individuals to form a healthy relationship, and each needs to feel comfortable in themselves as an independent entity before they can truly support and care for their partner. "When we stay connected to ourselves—our interests, values and sense of purpose—we show up more authentically in our relationships," explains Dayae Kim, licensed marriage and family therapist at Dayae Kim Therapy. "It helps prevent codependency and can help you navigate conflicts with more clarity and confidence."

Of course, that's easier said than done when you can barely wait until your next evening with your new love interest. But learning to communicate with your partner about intentional time apart is the best way to lay a foundation built on two passionate, strong individuals coming together.

Not quite sure how to prioritize yourself without feeling like you're missing out on quality time with your partner? Here's what the experts had to say about why you need to maintain independence in your relationship, how to do it and how to course-correct if you feel like you've lost yourself.

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In this article:

• The Importance of Independence in Relationships
• How to Be Independent in a Relationship

The Importance of Independence in Relationships

Maintaining your independence in a relationship has benefits for both you and your partner. While it enriches your own well-being, it also allows you to bring more of your authentic self to your relationship. You become a more supportive partner when you prioritize your own interests, hobbies, and family and friends.

One Person Can Never Meet All Your Needs

There's a myth that your one true soul mate is all you need to be happy in life. But we all need a range of relationships to fulfill our needs, and that includes friends, family and even acquaintances, each playing a different role in our day-to-day lives. "While intimacy and connection are key ingredients in any strong partnership, it's unrealistic, and ultimately unhealthy, to expect one person to meet all of our emotional, social and existential needs," says Ciara Bogdanovic, licensed psychotherapist and founder/owner at Sagebrush Psychotherapy.

Independence Helps You Bring Your Best Self to a Relationship

Having a sense of autonomy is the key to entering into a relationship as a strong, confident decision-maker who brings their best self to their partner. Bogdanovic says, "When we lose our independence, we often lose touch with the practices, friendships and internal resources that help us self-regulate. This can lead to resentment, enmeshment, anxiety or feeling lost in the relationship."

Independence Gives You a Strong Foundation

Independence is necessary as the foundation for a strong, healthy relationship. If you go into a relationship without a rich, fulfilling life on your own, then you may look to the relationship for support and structure that it can't provide on its own.

"People should have full, meaningful lives outside of the relationship," says Isabelle Morley, psychologist and couples therapist at Dr. Isabelle Morley Couples Counseling. "They can enjoy their partnership without putting too much expectation and pressure on it, and if the relationship doesn't last, they'll have strong and stable lives that will buoy them through the transition."

And, if you've never looked into your attachment style, this might be the time. Healthy attachment styles often have an easier time striking the right balance of independence versus partnership than both anxious and avoidant attachment styles.

Lack of Independence Can Make You Overly Reliant on Your Partner

When your partner is your only outlet for social and emotional needs, you can become too enmeshed in each other's inner worlds. "A couple can become overly emotionally reliant on one another and are unable to function independently," Morley says.
"They will over-rely on each other to meet their needs, which will be taxing on the relationship and ultimately cause problems when the other person inevitably cannot provide what is needed."

Plus, if the relationship hits a rocky patch, you may be left without your main support system. This could make you less likely to stand up for what you need, which could create an unhealthy cycle.

Independent Interests Give You More to Talk About

Not only does maintaining a life independent from your partner make you a stronger partner, it can also contribute to being a more interesting one! Your partner will feel like they're getting to know you all over again each time you come home with a new interest or accomplishment. "Have parts of your life that you enjoy independently and then talk about them with your partner. Think about how great it will feel to bring stories and self-growth back to your partner," Morley says.

Losing Independence Can Make You Feel Disconnected

While becoming closer and closer with a partner is exhilarating in the moment, getting lost in the relationship can actually lead to lower self-esteem. This can eventually cause the relationship to suffer since you're no longer the full person you once were. "Losing your independence can make you feel lost, more dependent on your partner, and feel disconnected from yourself and your relationship," Kim explains.

How to Be Independent in a Relationship

Whether you're entering a new relationship and want to remain cognizant of prioritizing your independence or you've already found yourself getting swept away with a new love interest, there are simple, fulfilling ways to come back to yourself. As Bogdanovic says, "It's common to over-prioritize connection in the early stages of a relationship. You can begin reclaiming independence by taking small steps back into your own life." Here's how to be more independent in a relationship, according to the experts.

Take Yourself on a Date Once a Week

Go on a date at least once a week. That's the advice couples hear again and again, typically referring to spending time together. But, just as important, is spending time apart. Take yourself on a date once a week, and don't get caught up in overthinking it. "It can be as simple as taking a 30-minute coffee break alone, going for a solo walk or workout, or spending alone time on something that brings you joy," Kim says.

Nurture Relationships Outside of Your Shared Social Circle

While it's wonderful to introduce your partner into your circle of close family and friends, it's also important to maintain your independent relationships with those people. Continue to prioritize your friendships rather than letting them fall by the wayside simply because you have a plus-one at all times. They're the ones who know you with or without a partner. "Reach out to family and friends and nurture those relationships to help you find yourself again," Kim says.

Journal About What Brings You Joy

One of the most important pieces of practicing self-love, which is critical to independence, is taking the time to actually think about what you need. This includes both what you need in the relationship with your partner and what you need in the relationship with yourself. Kim explains, "Journal and write down what you like about yourself and what brings you joy. Focus on what makes you, you."

Think Back to You Before There Were Two

You might have heard of the concept of secret single behavior. It's the things you did just for you, before you had a partner. And those little joys shouldn't disappear completely once you find yourself in a relationship. Instead, they can be the anchor that brings you back to yourself. Kim says, "If you notice yourself getting swept up in the excitement of a relationship, ask yourself, 'What did I love doing before the relationship? What made me feel most like myself?'"

Prioritize Your Goals

When you're in a new relationship, it's easy to start focusing on your next big date or your first trip together rather than thinking about the goals that you had beyond finding a significant other. But don't lose sight of your professional or personal aspirations. Share these goals with your partner—when they care about you, they'll care about supporting you and watching you pursue your dreams.

Go on a Friend Date

You probably know the friend who becomes part of a constant team once they enter into a relationship. Gone are the days of catching up with them one-on-one. Every social plan now includes them and their better half. But, to maintain independence in a relationship, it's important to prioritize seeing your friends on your own. Morley recommends, "See a friend for dinner without your partner tagging along."

Manage Your Own Emotions

Part of the beauty of a healthy relationship is having someone to look to for support. However, that doesn't mean becoming reliant on your partner to manage your responses to every bump in the road. Bogdanovic explains, "Practice emotional self-regulation. Learn to manage your emotions rather than looking to your partner to fix or soothe everything."

Spend Time Alone

Spending time by yourself is one of the best ways to maintain your independence. Work on setting boundaries and sharing with your partner when you need to be alone in a way that's healthy and beneficial to the relationship. Bogdanovic says, "Carve out intentional alone time. It's not about distance, but about reflection, integration and maintaining a strong sense of self."

Try a Solo Hobby

It's great to have a shared hobby with your partner! What could be more fun than discovering you both have a newfound interest in pickleball? Or finding out that you both feel passionately about growing the perfect summer tomato crop or indulging in parallel play, like puzzles? But, just as important, is finding a hobby that is yours, and only yours. "Find a hobby that is just for you that doesn't involve your partner. Stay connected to your own interests," Bogdanovic suggests.

Move On Your Own

If you're struggling with what to do on your own, consider just moving your body. "Continue doing the things that make you feel energized and like yourself, like movement," Bogdanovic says. Maybe it's a walk or a yoga class—without your partner. This opportunity to move your body and be with yourself builds confidence and independence, and it makes you a stronger partner.