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Updated Mar 06, 2025Dislike Your Spouse's Last Name? Here's What to Do
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You love your partner to the moon and back… but their last name? Not so much. So how are you supposed to handle the awkward situation of disliking a future spouse's last name without completely offending them? It's not as uncommon of an issue as you may think, and there are plenty of ways to navigate through the dilemma in a way that feels kind, straightforward and honest.
"Navigating these discussions can be emotionally challenging, but approaching them as a team—with open communication and mutual support—can help couples find solutions that feel right for both partners," says Jacqueline Canovan, LCSW, a licensed clinical social worker at Serenium Therapy and Wellness based in New Jersey.
As you embark on these conversations together, it's a good idea to come to the table with some good alternatives and explanations for why you want to do the whole name change thing in a less traditional way. Here are some options to consider.
Choose a New Last Name Together
A lot of people wonder, "Do you have to take your partner's last name?" and the answer is no. It's not a legal requirement to change your last name after getting married. Changing your name is a personal choice often rooted in tradition and a desire to feel like more of a family unit.
That said, there are alternative ways to do this, including choosing a new last name together. This is a more modern approach to the dilemma, allowing both parties to start a new chapter with a name they both love. Maybe that involves merging your last names, looking back in the family tree to find a good one or making up a new name altogether.
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Keep Your Name and Hyphenate Your Children's
You can also keep your maiden name, but have your children (if you plan to have any) take a hyphenated last name. This fosters that family unit feeling and ensures your kids have both of your last names. Alternatively, you can hyphenate your and your spouse's last names and have everyone share the hyphenation.
"This can feel like a modern way to take your spouse's name while keeping yours," says Gayane Aramyan, LMFT, a couples and perinatal therapist based in Los Angeles. "If you end up having children, they can hyphenate their names, too. This can feel like a modern way to take your spouse's name while keeping yours."
Use Your Maiden Name Professionally
There are no rules that say you have to pick one name and stick to it. One option is to use your maiden name professionally, but use your spouse's name socially. "In my experience, many women who have earned advanced degrees or built careers under their maiden names prefer to keep their original surname—their last name has often become professionally recognized and an integral part of their personal brand," Canovan says. Whether you choose to legally change your last name to your spouse's is up to you, but you can still use your maiden name in professional settings.
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Use Your Maiden Name Socially
Alternatively, maybe you're okay with legally changing your last name and using it in professional settings, but prefer to still go by your maiden name socially. That's perfectly okay, too! Many people find this balance allows them to maintain their personal identity while simplifying things for work or legal matters. You can introduce yourself however you feel most comfortable, and over time, you might naturally lean toward one name more than the other. Ultimately, the choice is yours, and there's no right or wrong way to navigate it.
Make Your Maiden Name Your Middle Name
If you want to keep a connection to your original last name but still take your spouse's, consider updating your middle name with your maiden name. This option allows you to honor your family name while embracing your new one. It's a popular choice for those who want the best of both worlds without hyphenation or dual last names. A bonus with this choice is that it still allows you to use your maiden name professionally and/or socially.
Have Your Spouse Take Your Name
You know what? Maybe your spouse isn't a huge fan of their last name either! Or maybe they're open to a modern-day alternative and a fresh start for themselves. In that case, having your spouse take your last name instead of taking theirs is a great alternative. If reinforcing the family unit is a priority for your spouse, they may be very open to this idea.
Keep Your Last Name
If you're sitting there thinking, "I don't want to take my husband's last name" after reviewing these options, you have every right to keep your name as it is. Canovan says, "More individuals are getting married later in life, and they have already established themselves professionally and personally under their birth name, making a name change an increasingly complex decision."
Ultimately, any of these alternatives to completely changing your last name are great "as long as you have open and honest conversations about it and both partners feel validated and included in the decision-making process," Aramyan says. All that matters is that you and your partner agree and you work together with respect toward each other's feelings.
