4 Common Holiday Shopping Questions From Couples, Answered

Ah, the holiday season—a time of twinkling lights, cozy moments and, of course, the joy of gift giving. But what happens when you're in a relationship? Suddenly, the gift-giving landscape becomes adorned with questions, starting with how much do couples spend on Christmas gifts? When you're coupled up, navigating the complex terrain of holiday gift giving can be a delicate dance. Do you give gifts to friends and family members together, or is it strictly a one-on-one affair? Does the duration of your relationship determine the depth of your holiday gift? Setting up a budget and having an open conversation before segueing into your shopping spree is a smart move, but when the tables are turned and the gift exchange is between you and your partner, what's the game plan there? Should you both spend the same amount or should the dollars ebb and flow according to each of your respective incomes? We'd argue it's more about the heartfelt meaning behind the gift, rather than its monetary value—but we still spoke with some personal finance gurus and wealth advisors to get the full scoop on holiday gift budgets and overall buying advice for pairs.

So, before you dive into ALL the festive season spending and the search for wife gifts, husband gifts or spouse gifts, take a moment to get aligned on what's important to the both of you ahead of the holidays and remember that being in a relationship can significantly influence your holiday gifting goals—making them more personal, emotionally charged and collaborative in nature. Setting a budget and getting on the same page is invaluable in ensuring stress levels stay low and expectations remain realistic. By doing so, not only will you minimize the potential for misunderstandings and financial strain, you also open the door to more inspiring and joyous end-of-year celebrations where the true spirit of giving takes center stage.

In this article:

• Shopping for Friends and Family
• Shopping for Each Other

Shopping for Friends and Family

When you're in a committed relationship, navigating the art of giving gifts to friends and family members takes on a whole new dimension. The fact that you're no longer handling Santa responsibilities solo may end up impacting what you choose to give your nearest and dearest. You may opt for joint gifts or experiences, symbolizing the unity and "team effort" your relationship represents. But when you're troubleshooting where to allocate your resources, both financial and emotional, you might find it challenging (spoiler alert: it is, so don't feel badly about it). That's where advice and support from pros "who know" come in clutch. In truth, the cementing of a new "favorite" person in your life doesn't necessarily mean that your money and attention should be solely directed towards them. Instead, it's an opportunity to share the love, quite literally, especially if you and your significant other are sharing expenses (and splitting holidays with both of your families). The beauty of being in a relationship during the holiday season is finding that harmonious balance between celebrating your love and cherishing the meaningful connections with your friends and family. Everyone should feel valued and cherished.

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Should every gift come from both of us?

Once it's time to bust out the advent calendars, you and your love (whether the relationship is new, established or just getting serious) will probably want to suss out your scenario for friend and fam' gifting as soon as possible. But don't always assume that you'll need to give a gift in tandem or sign the card as a duo whenever a gifting occasion arises. According to Ashley Feinstein Gerstley, personal finance expert and founder of The Fiscal Femme: "When it comes to partners and money, this really depends on your preferences and the situation."

Consider the significance of the occasion and the relationship dynamics. For special events like anniversaries, joint celebrations or major holidays when you'll be gathering with all the greats in your life, going in on a shared gift can be a beautiful way to strengthen your bond. Alternatively, there may also be times when separate, one-off holiday gifts—perhaps ones that reflect individual interests or VIP relationships (like those with a best friend, sibling or parent) or that call for a touch of personalization—are more appropriate. "It's completely okay to give individual gifts," says Julia Pham, wealth advisor at Halbert Hargrove. "Every couple is different and there are no hard-and-fast rules when it comes to gift giving as a couple."

As for how long you've been together, well, that can play a role, too. In the early stages of a relationship, it's completely acceptable to have separate gifts as you get to know each other's friends and family. However, as your love grows and your journey together continues on, transitioning to shared gifts for family members and shared friends can make it clear you do things, like life, as a pair. For example, it would make sense for a married couple to purchase a gift together for a niece or nephew in the family. In the end, what truly matters is the genuine thought and love behind your gift, so you'll want to find a balance that resonates with both of you.

What's the best way to budget as a couple?

Establishing a budget for holiday gifts in a relationship involves a series of important steps. To begin, open communication is key. You and your partner should candidly discuss your gift-giving expectations and be transparent about your financial circumstances. For Pham, laying all this groundwork is what separates the stressful holiday seasons from the manageable ones. "The best way to avoid stress is to plan ahead! Create a budget and then make a list of all the people that you need to get gifts for," she says. "Then, review the budget outline and list together, so you can get on the same page and avoid any surprises—which tends to be what causes stress."

Next up, it's time to clarify the scope of your gift-giving efforts. This is where you'll sync on whether you plan to offer joint or individual gifts to everyone on the aforementioned recipient list. As you're allocating the budget, consider each of your respective incomes, but prioritize fairness and balance. Just because one of you may make more doesn't mean you have to be the one to spend more, reasons Pham. At the end of the day, the budget should align with what both of you are comfortable with. "Each person's financial contribution doesn't always need to be 50/50," she notes. So, if gift giving is a love language for one or both of you, spend what you like, but don't underestimate the power of thoughtfulness and intentionality—these are the details that truly matter.

Now, how should these big-picture discussions go down? For Feinstein Gerstley, maintaining diligent records of your spending and putting periodic budget check-ins on the calendar is important, but so is the opportunity to carve out time together and put a playful spin on your holiday money huddle. "I call them parties for a reason. Make them fun by putting on something cozy, playing some music (I have a money party playlist) and sipping your favorite beverage," she suggests. "During your money party, you can look at your most recent month's spending, budget for the future, bring up concerns and deal with any outstanding money to-dos." She thinks the idea of a "holiday sinking fund" is great, too, especially if you tend to spend more than usual over the holidays. "This is money we set aside each paycheck or month so that, when it's time to buy the gifts or host the holiday get-together, the money is there waiting for us."

Need a few pointers to guide your dialogue? We feel you! That's why we consulted with financial connoisseurs. Feinstein Gerstley says the below are wonderful questions to dive into with a partner to get a better understanding of their values and relationship with money. Accordingly, she says they can be applied to greater gift-giving conversations, as well:

• What do we want to build with our money?
• What was money like for your growing up in your family?
• What is your biggest money fear?
• What was your first money memory?
• What are your favorite memories from the holidays growing up?
• What is the most important to you about a gift?
• What are some of the best gifts you ever received?
• How do you feel about surprises?

Finally, when you've moved onto the actual shopping, hunt for deals and discounts and keep track of which gifts have already been handled.

Shopping for Each Other

Getting gifts right as a couple during the holiday season comes down to finding balance through open communication. Dropping hints is fine, but an open discussion of what you want and how much to spend is better. Moreover, it's equally important to weigh your wishes against your present financial situation and future goals that may require savings.

How much should you spend on each other?

Be open with your partner about your financial boundaries and priorities. Then decide on a spending threshold that you both feel confident and comfortable with. This approach not only prevents overspending, but also promotes a sense of financial partnership, where you're working collaboratively to make your shared dreams come true. The key to successful gift giving as a couple is careful contemplation, open communication and reciprocal commitment to responsible spending.

While it's not exactly "sexy" or "romantic" to bring budget tidings into the holiday-gifting arena with your partner, it's imperative that you "review your larger overall budget and make sure that whatever budget you have established for each other's gift does not jeopardize any of your longer-term goals," cautions Pham. "It's easier to create boundaries when each person is aware of the competing financial obligations that need to be met. And one of the best ways to express love is by listening to each other's opinions on money and what each of you values in life."

Some couples are quick to come to a definitive dollar amount for each other's gifts—having a clear limit like this mitigates any surprises ahead of the gift exchange, but, if you're uncomfortable with being so particular, you can set more general benchmarks. For instance, you can decide to spend within a certain range, but not exceed a specific limit. Establishing a gift-giving cadence can also work. Agree to spend less on one holiday and more on another, or alternate between larger and smaller gifts. Feinstein Gerstley told us that she made a pact with her sister "a few years ago to save in each other's honor instead of getting each other gifts—transfering a specific amount of money to our savings and celebrating it together." It's definitely something to think about if you and your love can't come to an agreement about how much to spend and on what.

To that end, if it proves impossible to agree on a predetermined dollar amount, there are various alternatives to consider. Experiences, like a romantic getaway or a shared class, can create lasting memories. Homemade gifts, letters or personal notes can convey deep sentiments to your partner. Shared projects, subscription services or charitable donations reflect consideration for your partner's interests and values. Personalized gifts and even DIY coupons (nope, not cheesy) also demonstrate impressive thoughtfulness. Choose a gift that resonates with your partner and everything they love/care about and you'll have them locked forever, regardless of what you spend.

And when in doubt, Pham says it'll always end well if you lean into your creativity. "Instead of individual gifts, consider an experience you can both save for as a team—like a vacation. If you establish a budget for this ahead of the holidays, you can break the savings down into smaller chunks, which is less intimidating," she follows. Plus, since there will likely be some lag time between the holidays and when you actually go away, you can keep the spirit of the season alive and well and "feel great once you actually get to go" with your forever giftee.

How can I keep their gift a surprise?

There's an undeniable magic to keeping your partner's holiday gift a secret, one that adds an extra dose of anticipation and delight to the season. The element of surprise lets you witness that gleam of joy and gratitude in their eyes when they unwrap the present. However, it's true that maintaining this secrecy can be annoying and understandably frustrating, particularly in today's world of shared bank accounts and digital shopping carts.

Our two experts had compatible POVs about how to keep gifts a secret. Taking a page from Pham's book: "Consider alternative ways of paying. Paying with cash doesn't leave a paper trail, so your partner won't be able to see what you've bought for them. Paying with cash isn't always ideal, so you can also consider paying with a prepaid debit card, a gift card or even having someone else make the purchase and then pay them back. You can also purchase through a large retailer like Amazon or Target, which won't give away any hints on the bank or credit card statements if you already shop there."

Feinstein Gerstley says: "If you're not getting the gift that far in advance, you can make a deal to not look at the credit card or bank statement for a week or two. If it's far in advance, you might use a different, non-joint account to make the purchase or even use cash. If that feels like an ordeal or isn't possible, know that for many gifts, even if they see the store or company's name on the statement, they won't know what exactly you bought."

Oh! And don't dismiss the merits of wrapping presents immediately, says Pham. "I have found that I run into trouble when I accidentally leave the present in my car trunk for too long and it gets discovered." Not ready (physically, mentally or emotionally) to wrap things up? Totally okay. "You can also consider keeping the present at a family member or friend's house until you're ready to wrap it," she offers.

About Our Experts:

Julia Pham joined Halbert Hargrove as a Wealth Adviser in 2015. Her role includes encouraging HH clients to explore and fine-tune their aspirations, and working with them to create a road map to attain the goals that matter to them. Julia has worked in financial services since 2007, earning her Bachelor of Arts Degree cum laude in Economics and Sociology, and an MBA, both from the University of California at Irvine.

Ashley Feinstein Gerstley is a personal finance expert, speaker and author of Financial Adulting and The 30-Day Money Cleanse. She founded The Fiscal Femme, a feminist money platform, and has helped thousands of people feel financially confident, achieve major financial goals and destress their relationships with money.