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Updated Oct 14, 2024Are You In a Narcissistic Relationship? Experts Warn of These 10 Signs
#7 is a biggie.
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Whether it's your bestie complaining about her narcissistic ex over brunch or a #ForYouPage full of TikToks about the term, there has seemingly been plenty of discussion around dating narcissists and how to resolve a narcissistic relationship as of late. It's helpful to put words and terms to shared experiences—and if you're wondering if you yourself are in a narcissistic relationship, we may have the answer.
We spoke to relationship experts and therapists to help you identify the narcissistic relationship signs and better understand (and improve) the narcissistic relationship pattern. Greek mythology's Narcissus has nothing on you and your dating prowess.
In this article:
- What Is a Narcissist—and a Narcissistic Relationship?
- 10 Examples of Narcissistic Behavior in a Relationship
- What to Do If You're In a Relationship With a Narcissist
- How to End a Relationship With a Narcissist
- How to Focus on Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship
What Is a Narcissist—and a Narcissistic Relationship?
The term "narcissist" has become a trendy, popular way of describing someone self-centered. But medically speaking, according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM–5), Narcissistic Personality Disorder is an illness in which a person has an inflated sense of self-importance, a need for admiration and a lack of empathy.
As Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist, marriage therapist in private practice and the author of The Power of Two and Prescriptions Without Pills, explains, "From the perspective of relationships, narcissism is a listening disorder."
A narcissistic relationship, as you may have guessed, is a relationship with a narcissist or someone exhibiting narcissistic behaviors. Typically, the narcissist fails to consider their partner's needs, which can lead to an unbalanced dynamic. Not surprisingly, according to Dr. Heitler, this type of relationship can be demoralizing and depressing for the non-narcissist.
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10 Examples of Narcissistic Behavior in a Relationship
If each night your partner tunes out your day after giving a monologue about their own, it's understandable to be curious about the signs of narcissistic relationships. And the more of them you know, the better you'll be able to identify relationship red flags—and do something about them.
Be on the lookout for the signs of narcissistic behavior in relationships below.
1. Social climbing
You might be ready to leave a party, but your partner wants to stay until everyone has noticed their presence. Sound familiar? As Marisa T. Cohen, Ph.D., LMFT, a relationship scientist, therapist and professor warns, narcissists often prioritize associating with people or places they view as important, which can be at the expense of their partner's wants and needs.
2. Defensiveness
"Narcissists tend to be very sensitive to criticism," explains Dr. Heitler. If you offer feedback to your partner, they might get extremely defensive, And instead of listening, they'll immediately discount your point of view.
3. Attempts to isolate you
If your partner seems to badmouth all your friends and family members to you, take note. Narcissists may attempt to alienate you from your support system, says Dr. Cohen. This way, they'll get even more of your attention.
4. Controlling behavior
As Dr. Cohen notes, if your partner tries to control you and chip away at your ability to make important decisions alone, it's a major red flag and may lead to further trouble or abuse.
5. Insensitivity
When you express feelings, does your partner dismiss them? That's typical for a narcissist, explains Dr. Cohen, as they lack empathy and can't or won't validate your emotional experiences. "A narcissist often doesn't consider how their behaviors affect others, which can make setting boundaries challenging," she says.
6. Manipulation
Be on the lookout for gaslighting, or your partner challenging the validity of your feelings and beliefs, encourages Dr. Cohen. Over time, this can cause you to question your own experiences and wonder if you're in the wrong—when, really, the problem is them, not you.
7. Selfishness
If your partner prioritizes their needs and wants above yours, that's another sign of a narcissistic relationship. As Dr. Heitler observes, they likely ignore the impact of their actions on you. For instance, they might get drinks with a work colleague and arrive home late for dinner, unconcerned with how you'll feel.
8. Attention-hungry
Narcissists will often talk on and on about themselves without celebrating their partner's achievements—and if you try to tell them something about your life, they likely won't be interested.
9. Ultra-critical
Narcissists are very critical and will put their partners down in conversation, creating a toxic interpersonal dynamic, says Dr. Cohen.
10. One-upmanship
If you say something, they'll counter with a "better" idea. Or if you tell a childhood story about breaking your arm in two places, they'll follow it up with a tale about how they once broke theirs in three. In narcissistic relationships, the narcissist will assert their dominance, explains Dr. Heitler. "These behaviors are often designed to put narcissists at the top of the social hierarchy, which puts you beneath them."
What to Do If You're In a Relationship With a Narcissist
If you're aware of your partner exhibiting narcissistic behaviors, how should you handle it? Here are some helpful strategies, straight from the relationship experts.
See your partner clearly
If you plan to remain with your partner, acknowledge their problematic behaviors—but at the same time, try to also focus on their positive traits, Dr. Heitler encourages. For example, you might need to repeat yourself when telling them about your day, but you also appreciate their generosity and optimistic nature.
Don't take it personally
Try not to internalize their criticism, which could lead to self-blame or self-doubt, says Dr. Cohen. Remind yourself that being critical is part of their MO and it has nothing to do with you.
Set boundaries
Don't inadvertently enable your partner's behavior. "Your job is not to change them, but to change you," says Dr. Heitler. "If you change your behaviors enough, they will change too because behaviors are cyclic." For instance, if you get quiet when your partner talks about themselves, they'll learn to speak in shorter chunks. When they give a monologue, interrupt them to share your experience.
Be more assertive
Clearly communicate your needs and wants. Emphasize that you need to be treated with respect and spell out which behaviors you won't tolerate. When voicing these requests, speak in a relaxed manner to help prevent your partner from getting defensive. If things get heated, postpone the conversation.
Learn about healthy relationship patterns
Research relationship skills, like active listening and expressing needs, encourages Dr. Heitler. As you discover what healthy relationships look like, try to (subtly) share your findings with your partner and improve your communication.
How to End a Relationship With a Narcissist
If your partner is abusive, does not respect your boundaries or manipulates you, move on, instructs Dr. Cohen. Your safety should always be prioritized.
When ending a relationship with a narcissist (and your safety isn't in question), Dr. Heitler encourages breaking the news in a gentle way. Instead of criticizing them, blame your circumstances. For instance, you could say, "It's been so great to be with you, but now that I'll be really busy I need to be single."
Dr. Heitler also suggests framing the breakup as the narcissist's decision: Instead of saying, "I've decided to leave you," you could ask, "How are you feeling about how we've been doing?" Then, if they mention any issues, you could respond with, "I can see that it'd be best for both of us if we move on."
How to Focus on Healing from a Narcissistic Relationship
When healing from a breakup after a narcissistic relationship, enlist the support of your social network. Surround yourself with upbeat people who love you and whom you love. Also consider writing in a journal, suggests Dr. Heitler: Each day, jot down three actions you took that made you feel proud or content.
Finally, Dr. Cohen encourages seeking a mental health clinician. They can help you process your feelings and build back up your self-esteem.
