I Got Married at 23, Divorced at 25 and Married the Love of My Life at 29

No one ever wants to imagine getting divorced. Especially when you walk down the aisle like I did—young, fresh-eyed and unable to see what I truly wanted (and needed) in my life—at the ripe age of 23 years old. I never imagined it, just like I never imagined reentering the dating game as a 20s divorcee, let alone what it would be like falling in love again after divorce. But eventually, I didn't have to imagine. Now, I know exactly what it's like.

Growing up, it's safe to say that I never had an example of what a "good marriage" looked like. My own parents, who were never actually married themselves, had an on-again-off-again relationship during most of my childhood. My family, in general, isn't exactly what you'd think of as marriage-minded. In fact, every other couple in my family line either dealt with the same fate as my parents or if they did marry, ended up in a quick divorce. I'm not sure why this happened, but needless to say, it didn't put me off. I knew I wanted to get married someday.

And I did. Unluckily for me, though, I chose to get hitched young (this isn't to say that getting married young is always doomed) but for a lot of the young brides I've met, it can sure seem like it's doomed from the start. Not only did I get married at 23, but I also got married to the completely wrong person for me. Wrong as in we ended up having very different goals in life, we could never see eye-to-eye and mostly, we just weren't very nice to one another. In short, we weren't compatible. It turns out, this tends to all go hand-in-hand with getting married and divorced in your early 20s.

So in 2019, only six months or so after our wedding day, I decided to end my marriage and move to New York City to follow my dream of becoming a writer. It was there, amid being broke in the Big Apple and navigating living alone for the first time, that I started slowly dating folks of all genders, exploring my bisexuality. I entered into dating without any intentions of falling in love again after divorce. At the time, though, what may have looked to an outsider like carefree days of dating and enjoying my newfound self was a time of deep reflection, transformation and seeking to love myself through a difficult time. In fact, I was so preoccupied with where I was in my self-exploration and mental health journey that I didn't think about how to fall in love after divorce, at all.

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I used this time to grow in myself, make mistakes, be a little messy, find my center again and just live. Instead of leaning on the idea of finding love again, I found brief comfort in casual sexual encounters, late-night rendezvous with strangers, and more often than not, the comfort of my friendships. Specifically, one friendship, which turned into a casual lover, to a boyfriend, and then, to my surprise, with falling in love after a divorce and getting remarried at 29, four years after my divorce had been finalized.

If someone were to ask me about falling in love after a divorce, I'd immediately say that there is no clear path to doing so. It's not a formula of how or if or when. You don't just wake up and suddenly feel better and say, "Alright, I'm going to find the one, now." Although I can only speak from my experience, even when a divorce is amicable and relatively quick, I believe it still takes time to recover and heal from such a loss. It takes time, self-reflection and a lot of growth to find the right relationship.

In my early dating after divorce, I often say I was simply trying to stay above water, as I dealt with the heartbreak of losing the life and partner I had envisioned for myself. Even though I knew he wasn't right for me, I still had to mourn the loss of him and the plans we'd made together. Luckily, I had a lot of good people in my life as support, and it just so happened that one would be my husband someday. It just so happens that I got lucky to find the love of my life. But I also did a lot of self-work, too.

If you're divorced, or going through it right now, I don't think there is a magic key to finding love again. All you can do is be open to it, and with all you can, be kind to yourself and the journey you're on. The truth is, when I look back at my story, I don't regret any of it—getting married young, making wrong choices, divorcing and being messy, even—because it got me to where I am now: finally happy and with a partner who fully accepts me. In my case, finding love again felt like a goal that couldn't be sought after, but one that just happened. Perhaps that's why they call it falling in love.