A Guide to Establishing Boundaries in Relationships (Tea: It's More Than Just a Buzzy Term)

Boundaries in relationships are more than just a term frequently seen on @overheardnewyork or @overheardla Instagram posts; they're an essential part of healthy relationships—including romantic, familial, and all stages and relationships in between.

It's not unusual to be nervous about setting boundaries in relationships. Moreover, it's also not uncommon to be unfamiliar with the very concept of boundaries in relationships. That's why we put together this handy guide to the basics of how to set boundaries in relationships. Plus, learn what to do when someone disrespects your boundaries. (It's best to be prepared, ya know?)

In this article:

• Why Setting Boundaries in a Relationship Is Important
• Examples of Boundaries to Set in a Relationship
• How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship
• What to Do if Someone Is Disrespecting Your Boundaries

Why Setting Boundaries in a Relationship Is Important

"One thing that I think about when it comes to setting boundaries is that it's essentially communicating how we would like to be treated in a relationship," says mental health counselor Rachel Damin, LMHC, of Rachel Damin Psychotherapy, a New York City-based therapy practice. "We're setting the terms of the relationship—be it a friendship, a work relationship or even a therapeutic relationship—where we can both be vulnerable and feel safe."

Explaining the importance of boundaries in healthy relationships, Damin offers 'the key' metaphor: "I always think about boundaries as giving somebody else, like a partner, the key to let them in," she says. "Think, 'Here's the key—all you have to do is use it, and this is how you can be in a healthy relationship with me; This is the way to get in.'"

Imagine this key as the one behind the various walls we have built up. "You're saying, 'This is the key to getting inside; if you respect my boundaries, if you communicate appropriately, if you value my autonomy as a person," Damin says.

Examples of Boundaries to Set in a Relationship

Specific relationship boundaries examples vary from individual to individual and partnership to partnership. Nonetheless, here are some common boundaries to set in a relationship.

Having the Right to Have Your Opinion—Without Argument

You have the right to your own opinion and shouldn't feel that you have to defend it at every family dinner. If politics or religion are uncomfortable subjects within families, consider a boundary where the topics are off the table during gatherings.

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Physical or Sexual Boundaries

"Some people don't like to be hugged or touched," reminds Damin. Ensure that enthusiastic consent is established.

Communication Boundaries

These boundaries relate to how you expect to be spoken to or communicated with. "A personal boundary I have is that I don't tolerate being yelled at," offers Damin.

Material Boundaries

Material boundaries are those "around physical things or a shared space," explains Damin. "An example could be, 'I don't feel comfortable with someone borrowing my makeup, or someone touching my clothes without asking—or maybe at all,'" she says.

How to Set Boundaries in a Relationship

One of the most vital things to remember when it comes to how to set boundaries in a relationship is transparency, says Damin.

Using the example of common boundaries set around weight and food, she says to imagine being home for Thanksgiving when a family member comments on how much delicious food you're loading up on your plate.

To be transparent and offer specificity regarding the situation and how it made you feel, "You might go up to that person and say, 'Hey, you mentioned how much food I was putting on my plate. When you point that out, it makes me really anxious or stressed. I'd appreciate it if you didn't comment on my food or my body,'" Damin explains.

Another essential thing to keep in mind, she adds, is that the "difference between a boundary and a suggestion is a consequence." This means that, when setting a boundary you should also establish a consequence if said boundary is crossed.

"If your boundary is violated, there has to be something explicit that you'll do in response," Damin explains. "'If you bring up this topic, I'll leave dinner or come here for dinner less.'"

What to Do if Someone Is Disrespecting Your Boundaries

Now, this is where it gets tough! "Actually following through on the consequence is the hardest part," admits Damin, "but's how you navigate someone disrespecting or violating a boundary."

Hold true to your bottom line. While tough in the moment, it'll be beneficial to the health of your relationship—and your own well-being, too.