Guide to Marrying Someone With a Child From a Previous Relationship

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Elizabeth Ayoola
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Elizabeth Ayoola
The Knot Contributor
  • Elizabeth contributes a range of lifestyle content to The Knot.
  • She also works as a full-time writer at NerdWallet and contributing writer at ESSENCE and POPSUGAR.
  • Elizabeth has a degree in Environment, Politics, and Globalization from King's College London.
Updated Aug 27, 2024

We all have fantasies about what our ideal relationship should look like and sometimes it doesn't match reality. At times, "the one" comes with an unexpected package and that could be kids from a previous relationship. Marrying someone with a child from a previous relationship can come with unique challenges but also creates an opportunity for intimacy and growth with your partner.

That said, before making the leap from dating to marriage, it's important to prepare for the journey ahead. That means understanding what marrying someone with a child entails and having difficult conversations with your partner beforehand. Here are some tips on marrying someone who is bringing kids into the relationship.

In this article:

What to Consider When Marrying Someone With Kids

There are multiple considerations to keep in mind before marrying someone with kids. Some of them include the existing dynamic between your partner and the other parent, responsibilities you'll take on as a stepparent and finances among other things.

The Existing Dynamic

When you get into a relationship with someone who has kids, it's important to remember that the other parents and children had a dynamic before you came into the picture.

"Know what their dynamic is, like the parents' dynamic, and if that's something that you can deal with and want to deal with. It needs to be a situation where it won't bother you in the long run," says Lashawnda Wilson, a veteran based in Lawton, Oklahoma. Wilson met her husband when he had two children from a previous relationship and custody of his goddaughter.

Are they on good terms? Are they often at odds, struggling to get along? Study their interactions and then think about how you will contribute to their existing ecosystem.

Stepparent Responsibilities

Marrying someone with a child from a previous relationship means you may become a stepparent to those kids. Think about whether that's something you're open to and can commit to long-term. Are you ok with helping to raise children, contributing to their lives financially and committing time?

Some factors that may determine your decision include the age of the children and the time-sharing agreement between both parents. The age of the children may also affect the types of duties you take on.

Custody Arrangements

It's critical to know what the custody arrangement is when marrying someone with kids. Does your partner have full custody? Are they in the middle of a custody battle or do they have a 50/50 split? Understanding this will give context for how often you'll engage with your stepkids and also the effect having them will have on logistics and daily responsibilities.

Finances

Money is a major part of a relationship and children can be expensive. When venturing into a new life with your partner, consider how financial obligations to existing kids could impact your finances as a blended family. Do either of you pay child support? If your partner has full custody, does the other parent contribute financially? Are either of you in child-related debt and if so, how much is it? Knowing these things can give you a clear picture of how to plan.

Questions to Discuss Before Marrying Someone With Kids

Before making a lifelong commitment to someone with kids there are multiple questions to ask. They relate to expectations, time sharing, boundaries and growing your family.

Expectations

Ask your partner what their expectations are of you and how they would like you to fill in as it relates to parenting. It's also critical you communicate what your expectations are when it comes to being a stepparent. More specifically, ask about expectations around discipline, communication, decision-making, conflict management and engagement with the other parent.

Boundaries

Having clear boundaries between everyone within the family dynamic is key as a blended family. Ask about what boundaries will be between yourself and your stepchildren, the other parent and your partner.

Holidays and Functions

Depending on the custody arrangement your partner has, the kids may not be around for the holidays. Ask questions about what holidays will look like for you and whether you'll be able to attend family functions such as graduations, birthday parties and other gatherings. Sometimes, the other parent may not be comfortable with you attending and you need to decide whether that's something you can live with.

Expanding Your Family

Some people who already have kids aren't interested in having any more. Ask whether your partner is open to expanding your family, especially if it's a desire you have. This is a conversation Wilson had with her then boyfriend before they got married. "...His kids were older and they were about to be out of the house. So I had to make sure he wanted more kids because I wanted kids and that was really important to me," she says.

Get into the nitty-gritty of how many kids they're open to having, when they'll be ready and also how to ensure all kids are treated equally. Introducing new kids to a blended family can be an exciting experience but it can also be challenging if not approached with care.

Tips for Marrying Someone With Kids From a Previous Relationship

Marrying someone with kids isn't always an easy journey since you're merging two different lives and multiple personalities. However, it can work when you ask the right questions, lead with consideration and set realistic expectations. Here are a few tips that help make the process easier.

Be Honest About Whether You Can Commit

Theory is different from reality especially when it comes to blended families. When marrying someone with a child from a previous relationship there may be bumps in the road and it's essential you're honest about whether you can ride them out. It's ok for the answer to be no—blended families aren't for everyone. If you also have kids from a previous relationship, consider how your families mesh and whether it will work long-term.

Have a Conversation With the Kids

Depending on how old the kids are, it can be a thoughtful and respectful gesture to ask what they think and need. Wilson took this approach with her partner's kids. "I think it's important just asking the kids, 'How do you want me to be involved in your life?'" Wilson says. She also adds that having that conversation with her stepkids beforehand helped manage her expectations. You may also want to include the kids in important stages like moving in together, wedding planning and other milestones.

Be Flexible

Blended families aren't static and the nature of your relationship with the kids may evolve over time. "Be open and flexible because your role will change as they get older," Wilson says. "If they're younger, you may have more of a mom role…because I got in their lives when they were teenagers, I had to respect they didn't want that mom role."

Try Connecting With the Other Parent

In an ideal situation, both parents and the new partner would get along seamlessly. Sometimes it doesn't start out that way and takes work to get to that place. That work often begins with making an effort to connect with the other parent and build a relationship with them, assuming they're open to it.

This is something Wilson chose to do before marrying her partner. "I just had to talk to her and let her know, 'I love your kids. They're great kids. I want us to be cordial. I don't want things to be awkward.' That was a discussion I had to have with her," she explains. Before initiating the conversation, run it past your partner and ensure you're on the same page about what you're trying to do and why.

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