Experts Share How to Forgive Your Partner—And When Not To

Any time two people come together, there are bound to be conflicts—that's why learning how to forgive your partner is perhaps the most critical barometer of whether or not you'll have a successful relationship. There will be miscommunications, missed expectations and crossed boundaries. It's inevitable as two people try to navigate life with someone who isn't inside their head twenty-four hours a day. But the relationships that succeed are those that understand how to address conflict resolution and issues, extend forgiveness and learn how to relate to their partner going forward.

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or letting actions slide, but it does mean realizing when someone genuinely wants to do better in the future. As Lisa S. Larsen, PsyD., explains, "Some people believe they can never forgive the perpetrator of hurtful actions, or they rush to forgive the other person without mourning and processing the hurt that was inflicted. Either polarized attitude is unhelpful."

Learning how to forgive isn't always easy. And as Courtney Sonntag, LMFT, at Front Porch Therapy, explains, it can be a complex and deeply personal process. "It involves working through the impact of the hurt or betrayal, deciding what you need to move forward and then choosing what to do with the information you have."

Want to dig deeper into your own understanding of forgiveness and how you can leverage it in your relationships? Here's what the experts recommend.

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In this article:

• Why is Forgiveness Important in Relationships?
• How to Forgive Your Partner
• Do You Have to Forgive Your Partner?

Why is Forgiveness Important in Relationships?

People make mistakes. Without forgiveness, repeated mistakes can eat away at trust. If a couple wants to strengthen their relationship, they need to learn to communicate with their partner about hurt feelings and missed expectations, then forgive and move forward. And this process of forgiveness is a two-way street that involves feeling seen and heard.

"Forgiveness requires rebuilding trust and safety within the relationship," says Emma Kobil, LPC, at Mindful Counseling Denver. "We need to feel like our partner truly acknowledges that pain that we went through and is taking action to ensure that we feel safe now."

Extending forgiveness is important at all levels, whether it's a minor calendar miscommunication or a deeper betrayal. Sonntag explains that forgiveness can be viewed in three categories: minor hurts, bigger hurts and deep hurts. Each of these impacts a relationship differently, but each requires forgiveness. "Minor hurts are thoughtless comments, miscommunication and forgetfulness. We can express our feelings and let our partner know the impact of the hurt, working together to prevent similar situations from occurring in the future."

Bigger hurts include lies, broken trust or emotional distance. Expressing how these made you feel is critical, and, Sonntag explains, so is how your partner received those feelings. "It's important to consider if your partner is taking full accountability and a willingness to explore this hurt together. For forgiveness, people often need to see and feel a willingness to change and work towards a stronger relationship."

Meanwhile, deep hurts include infidelity or hiding an addiction, and while forgiveness is equally important here, this is where it does not necessarily mean working together toward reconciliation. "You can forgive someone and still choose not to be in the relationship any longer," Sonntag says. (More on this later!)

How to Forgive Your Partner

Learning how to forgive in a relationship is a skill. The myth that you should never go to bed angry is just that—a myth. Forgiveness in relationships involves work, healthy arguments and coming to the table with a willingness to see another perspective and be open to change. Here's how relationship experts advise their clients on how to learn forgiveness.

Pause and Get Clear on the Hurt

Jumping into insisting on an apology isn't the right approach. Instead, pause for a moment and figure out what it is you want to take away from the conversation. Duewa Kaya Spicer, MSW, LCSW, CCATP, CST, at Infinite Zen Holistic Therapy, explains, "Take time to yourself to think about the rupture that has occurred and why it is hurting you. You want to get clear on what harm was caused and communicate this to your partner."

Use "I" Statements

You've probably heard the advice to use "I" statements when talking to your partner, and they're a key part of approaching forgiveness. Talk about how their actions impacted your feelings. Spicer says, "This will help you frame your hurt to say, 'When you walked away, I felt alone, hurt and abandoned.'" Your partner should mirror back what you've said and validate these feelings.

Try to Understand Your Partner

Understanding and validation can go both ways as you work towards forgiveness and, if possible, express that you can put yourself in their shoes as you look at their actions and their feelings of guilt. "See if you can understand what happened inside your partner's mind. You do not have to agree but can you get a sense of why they behaved that way," Spicer says.

Explicitly Offer Forgiveness

Forgiveness should come with a clear statement. Spicer suggests saying something as straightforward as "I forgive you and accept your apology. I'd be open to figuring out a way to navigate this situation better in the future."

Assess Whether They've Made Changes

After forgiving your partner, it's fair to expect that they won't make the exact same mistake again. Larsen suggests assessing whether your partner has made a consistent effort not to reoffend or whether you're living in a Groundhog Day situation. "'I'm sorry' is puny and meaningless if they keep doing the same thing repeatedly. If they make an effort and it's inconsistent or only when they're trying to win you back after a separation, that doesn't bode well for long-term change," Larsen says.

Let Go of Keeping Score

Forgiveness can't occur if you're always looking for the next reason to get mad. "With forgiveness, past mistakes and events cannot be weaponized," Sonntag says. "In staying together, you can focus on rebuilding the relationship and creating new, more positive experiences." If you find that you keep bringing up past minor transgressions, then it may be time to consult a therapist to find a path forward.

Think About Moving On Versus Moving Forward

Forgiveness does not always mean moving on from mistakes, particularly if they seriously rupture trust. Sonntag explains, "Rather, I like to consider it 'moving forward' with the information you now have. In choosing to forgive and stay, you must ensure boundaries are set, considering what needs to change for there to be a feeling of security again."

Do You Have to Forgive Your Partner?

Not every situation necessitates forgiveness, and often, your intuitive reactions to forgiving or not forgiving are something to take seriously. Kobil says, "For those struggling to move forward after forgiving, this is happening because your brilliant and threat-avoiding nervous system is trying to protect you from danger!"

And, as Larsen points out, the level of transgression often dictates whether you should forgive or not, and your actual safety should always come before forgiveness. "Physical violence and emotional abuse are quite different from forgetting your birthday or Valentine's Day."

So, if you're having trouble forgiving, honor that. Recognize that you don't need to move forward with this person. Instead, you should prioritize your own safety and well-being. Eventually, you should work towards letting any resentment go and, instead, focusing on yourself and the future, but that does not have to involve closure or a conversation with the person who hurt you.

"Keep in mind that you can forgive someone and still hold your boundaries by not being in a relationship with that person anymore. Forgiveness can be solely for you," Spicer says.