Is There Any Truth to "Never Go to Bed Angry"

To sleep or not to sleep.
Couple in bed turned away from each other
Photo: antoniodiaz | Shutterstock
Hayley Folk
by
Hayley Folk
Hayley Folk
Hayley Folk
The Knot Contributor
  • Hayley writes articles on a freelance basis for The Knot Worldwide, with a specialty in sex and relationships.
  • Her work has appeared in The Knot, Cosmopolitan, Refinery29 and more.
  • Prior to The Knot Worldwide, Hayley was a full-time editor at a business publication.
Updated Jan 20, 2025

Whether you're a newlywed or married for 20+ years, one thing is likely: You've received a lot of marriage advice (whether you asked for it or not). This might include practicing healthy communication, treating each other with respect, always respecting boundaries and following the old saying: Never go to bed angry.

"I first heard the phrase [never go to bed angry] as part of a game show for couples. The participants included a newlywed couple on their honeymoon, a middle-aged couple and an elderly couple," Dr. Andrew Khalil, a psychodynamic licensed marriage and family therapist, tells The Knot. "When asked for advice, the elderly couple, married for over 50 years, said, 'Never go to sleep angry.'"

It seems to have existed forever; this seemingly simple yet often-used phrase is one heard time and time again as a way to give couples a word to the wise on healthy arguments and conflict resolution. But should you never go to bed angry with your partner? Why might it help relationship dynamics if couples never go to bed angry? With the expertise of Khalil and some of our own, here's the real scoop on whether you should roll over and count sheep or stay up and try to work it out with your partner.

In this article:

Why Do People Say "Never Go To Bed Angry"?

As mentioned, folks have been saying the term for what seems like forever. But why do they say never go to bed angry? And what is the never go to bed angry meaning?

You can think of it as shared timeless wisdom—like when someone gets married and uses the adage "something borrowed and something blue"—that can be passed on. In reality, it's meant to help couples navigate the harder moments of marriage healthily. According to Khalil, the phrase stems from trying to understand our partner's anger and leaving space for reciprocity. "The phrase 'never go to bed angry' has been passed down through generations as traditional advice for newlyweds and couples in conflict," he explains.

The marriage advice to never go to bed angry is a reminder to stay present with your partner and a way to learn how to move through arguments together so that nothing goes left unsaid or festers on. Even in couples therapy, the phrase might be used, especially if unresolved conflicts tend to become bigger and bigger issues over time.

Is "Never Go to Bed Angry" Good Advice?

The sentiment behind never going to bed angry is good, but is it actually good advice? Resoundingly, yes. But it is not always feasible, Khalil says, and can have both positive and negative effects on relationships.

It Can Feel Like Being Emotionally Safe

By not going to bed angry, you're also practicing emotional safety and reciprocity. "By bringing topics to a partner and leaving space to listen, not talk, it is a great way to maintain emotional regulation between you two," Khalil says.

It Can Leave One Partner Feeling Frustrated

Folks might think of this advice as only positive, but it can have some adverse outcomes from time to time, like leaving one partner feeling frustrated. "As most arguments start at the 11th hour, following this advice can often leave partners having to pick and choose battles, while the other partner states their two cents and then sleeps soundly."

It Will Decrease Your Stress and Cortisol

According to Khalil, there are many good benefits to not going to bed angry, like a decrease in your stress and cortisol levels. He says that when we're in fight or flight, we tend to increase anxiety, sleep insomnia and other difficulties that lay dormant after a conflict. By talking it out before bed, we can sometimes help ease those things.

Not Following It Might Be an Avoidant Tactic

Sometimes, you're just too tired and productive conversations just won't be had before bed. But if you're avoidant and routinely avoid talking about it, going to bed angry can be akin to kicking the can down the road for another day—or just never talking about it at all.

"Avoiding the difficult conversation is like trading short-term discomfort for long-term dysfunction," Khalil says. But if you're just too tired, it's okay to keep the conversation for a later date, as long as you plan to have it at another point.

Should You Go to Bed Angry or Not?

So, should you go to bed angry or not? On some nights, this may not be practical. Having this traditional advice placed on the wall of your home on a golden plaque may not suffice (and might trigger shame if it doesn't happen.) Instead, Khalil recommends doing this.

Prioritize Emotional Regulation

On nights when an argument or important conversation starts up, it's only natural for thoughts to arise like, "I should have never started this argument…" But instead of shaming yourself, Khalil recommends prioritizing emotional regulation. You can try self-regulating coping techniques, such as deep breathing, journaling, progressive muscle relaxation, grounding techniques and telling your partner that you'll return to the conversation with a check-in on another day.

Reframe This Piece of Advice

If you're stuck and think you shouldn't go to bed angry, but you're not getting anywhere productive, try reframing this advice to add, "Never go to bed angry without reaffirming your love and commitment." It is sometimes better to say, "I love you and care about our relationship, but I need to talk about this tomorrow."

Focus on the Problem, Not Blaming Your Partner

"Anger is not the core of a relationship; love and commitment are," Khalil says. Focusing on the problem and not blaming your partner are key ways to resolve conflict. There will be tough times in the relationship. Anger only occurs when a person's other emotions or needs aren't heard, seen or understood, he adds. If you can focus on the problem—and listen to your partner and understand them—even before bed, that's a start.

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