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Updated Mar 06, 2025Expert Tips on How to Resolve Conflict in a Relationship
Conflict in a relationship can be a good thing when you learn the art of healthy arguing and communication.
Photo: fizkes
No matter how compatible you are with your partner, conflict is inevitable. However, some people never learned the art of healthy arguments or how to resolve conflict in a relationship. Without conflict resolution skills, a disagreement—which can be an opportunity for growth—can quickly turn into a hazard.
It's important to acknowledge that conflict can be uncomfortable, but it's an opportunity to get to know your partner better. On the other side of conflict resolved in a healthy way is a deeper level of intimacy between you and your partner. That said, conflict that isn't handled well can drive a wedge in your relationship. Effective conflict resolution takes practice and luckily there are several practical tools that can help you.
Dr. George James, a therapist and founder of George Talks and Aaliyah Maura, a marriage and family therapist, share some tips on how to resolve conflicts in a relationship.
In this article:
Why is Conflict Resolution Important in Relationships?
When you're at odds with your partner, there are several ways you may respond. Some people may choose to give their partner the silent treatment and then move on as if nothing happened. Other people may become explosive. Choosing to be passive-aggressive is another potential response to conflict. These can all be unhealthy responses that don't get to the root of the issue. Even worse, they can have negative long-term implications.
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"Unresolved conflict can produce resentment, negative thinking about your partner and sometimes negative reactions," James says. Some of those negative reactions may include the silent treatment, harsh communication, cheating, separation or the ending of the relationship.
George adds that unresolved conflict can also create negative energy in a relationship. "It takes the fun and joy out of the relationship [and] can decrease intimacy and sexual connection," he says.
How to Resolve Conflict in a Relationship
There are multiple steps required to successfully resolve conflict when it arises. The most important things to focus on are defining the problem, active listening, healthy communication and a shared resolution.
Name and Understand the Problem
Conflict resolution in relationships is difficult when you're unclear about what the conflict is and what's causing it. Take time out to think about what you perceive the issue to be and how it's affecting you so that you can clearly communicate with your partner. This may also be a good time to understand how this conflict may have triggered a past trauma and what you may need to work through as a result.
Practice Healthy Communication
Healthy communication is a skill that takes time to develop but there's no better place than your relationship to practice it. Once you're aware of the issue and ready to talk about it, do so in the healthiest way possible. Some pillars of healthy communication include active listening, kindness, using respectful words and tones, in addition to honesty.
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Unhealthy communication can breed resentment, James explains. Examples of unhealthy communication may include stonewalling, being critical, interrupting or dismissive body language. "Stay engaged, don't do the silent treatment. Also, don't fight dirty because that only makes the resentment worse. Listen to each other, share your perspective and forgive," he advises.
Healthy communication can also look like using "I" statements when expressing how you feel versus language that blames the other person. "There are three parts to an I-statement: an objective description of what behavior you don't like, how that behavior impacts you and then what you would like to be different," Maura says.
Maura adds to focus on saying what you think or feel and then naming the behavior that your partner does that bothers you. Lastly, follow up with a behavior that you'd like to be different in the future.
Be Vulnerable
Vulnerability is a major part of conflict resolution for couples and it can be one of the most difficult things to do. Being vulnerable often requires radical honesty about how you're feeling and what you need. It may also require you to accept that you're wrong, which can be uncomfortable too.
James says conflict usually goes unresolved because one or both parties aren't being vulnerable. "Vulnerability allows you to say sorry, to acknowledge how the other person might be feeling or own what you might have done to cause the start of the resentment," he says. It can be challenging because you may fear further rejection or hurt from your partner, but it's necessary to move forward.
Find Common Ground
Once you've named the problem and communicated about it healthily, it's time to brainstorm some solutions to minimize the recurrence of the conflict. Think about how you can meet in the middle so that both of you feel heard and your needs are met. Note that common ground doesn't mean you'll agree on everything. It just means you are agreeing on a loving and respectful way to move forward. Remember how important it is to pick your battles. Sometimes peace is more important than being right.
Follow Up
Check-ins are so critical in relationships and are a way to ensure that you're on track. They're also a way to hold one another accountable. Have you both done what you committed to while finding common ground? Are you engaging in changed behavior? You don't have to wait until the next blow-up to talk and ensure you're on a healthy track.
Get Help
Sometimes you're not able to resolve conflict on your own and that's okay. Don't let shame or pride get in the way of you seeking support. "Don't wait too long, get help. Start couples therapy, listen to podcasts, read a relationship book, just don't keep trying to figure it out on your own," James says.
