Your Guide to Living Apart Together and How It Impacts Relationships
There are couples who U-Haul, aka moving in together on week two of dating, while others choose to make the big move after a few years of dating. But did you know that some couples choose not to live together at all? Even if they're committed for the long term. It's called living apart together—and it's becoming more popular than ever.
Yes, that's right. According to one study, about one-third of US couples who aren't married or cohabiting are living apart together, otherwise known as LAT relationships. Living apart together relationships aren't just a part of dating trends, either. But what is living apart together? Does living apart together work? Are there benefits to it?
To help put LAT into perspective—and see how it could strengthen your relationship or even broaden you and your partner's relationship skills—we've recruited the help of psychologist Caitlin Slavens to answer all of your questions, below.
In this article:
- What is Living Apart Together?
- Does Living Apart Together Work?
- Benefits of Living Apart Together
- Disadvantages of Living Apart Together
What is Living Apart Together?
You may have heard of sleep divorce, where couples sleep in different beds, but what about couples living apart together? What is this dynamic really about? According to Slavens, living apart together relationships, or LAT for short, is when a couple is romantically involved but chooses to maintain separate households.
"It's not about being 'on a break' (cue Ross from Friends); it's a deliberate decision to live apart while staying very much together," she explains, "Think of it as keeping your love life and your home life in two separate lanes while still cruising down the relationship highway."
Does Living Apart Together Work?
So, does living apart together work? While what we grow up learning from society about relationships might say otherwise, LAT while dating or living apart together married can and does work for many couples. But, Slavens says, it's like most things in relationships: it depends on the couple.
"For some, it works beautifully," she tells us. "They maintain their independence while still having a deep connection. For others, it can feel like there's too much distance, both physically and emotionally."
But LAT can work if both partners are on the same page about what it means and why they're doing it. "Communication is key. If you're doing it to avoid buying a second fridge for all those LaCroix cans, it might not hold up," she says, "But if it's about creating space to thrive individually while nurturing your relationship, it can absolutely work."
Benefits of Living Apart Together
Like many relationship dynamics, this one too, has its own benefits. Here are some to consider before trying this out for yourself.
It Helps Partners Have Independence
If you and your partner are people who enjoy having your own space, then living apart together relationships may just work for you. It creates space for you to keep your own, have your own routine and living habits and of course, your own Netflix algorithm.
It Can Help Foster Personal Growth
Another benefit? Living apart together can help you both foster personal growth. Separate homes, Slavens adds, mean room to focus on your own goals without always factoring in someone else's preferences.
It Can Create an Even Better Version of Quality Time
"When you're not sharing every mundane detail of daily life, the time you do spend together can feel more intentional and exciting," Slavens says. And who doesn't love quality time? If that's your love language, then you might enjoy the LAT dynamic.
Less Conflict Over Space
Lastly, if you choose to live apart together, there will likely be no more debates over closet space or whether the thermostat should be set to cozy or arctic tundra, Slavens adds.
Disadvantages of Living Apart Together
Just like there are advantages of LAT, there are also disadvantages of living apart together. If you're considering this for your own relationship, it's important to understand the living apart together psychology (and not just its pros).
It Can Create Logistical Challenges
As you can imagine, living apart together can create some challenges in the logistics department. "Coordinating time together and splitting expenses can get tricky," Slavens says.
It Can Cause Emotional Distance
Another potential disadvantage? Living apart might unintentionally lead to feeling disconnected, especially if one person values physical proximity more than the other.
Dealing With Stigma or Misunderstanding
Here's a huge one: People may not get it. We are not raised in a society where this is taught as being normal or even thought of. If you choose to explore it, you'll likely have to get comfortable with questions like, "Wait, so are you even really together?" But even so, if LAT works for you, that's all that matters.
You Might Have Limited Support During Daily Life
"When you're sick or dealing with a rough day, having to text or call instead of just collapsing on the couch together can feel isolating," Slavens explains.
Is Living Apart Together Right For You?
So, is being together but living apart right for you? To find out, we recommend asking yourself (and your partner) these questions:
- Are we both on board with this idea, or is one of us just trying to avoid assembling IKEA furniture together?
- Do we value our independence as much as we value our relationship?
- Can we maintain emotional intimacy and open communication while living apart?
- Are we okay with the occasional raised eyebrow from friends and family who might not "get it"?
"If your answers lean toward 'yes,' LAT could be worth exploring," Slavens says. Just remember: there's no one-size-fits-all solution to relationships. Living apart together is just one way to make love work in a way that feels right for you.