Experts Share the Etiquette of Splitting the Bill on a Date

Perhaps the most contentious of all first-date etiquette questions is whether it's appropriate to assume you're splitting the bill on a date. Should the person who asked pick up the tab? Is it old school to assume the guy is always paying in a heterosexual relationship? What should two women do?

There's no one right answer, but it's a conversation topic that will bring out strong feelings—and you don't want to find out that you and your date disagree only once the bill has arrived. To make sure you don't get caught on the wrong end of dinner where your date ordered four glasses of a 1984 vintage while you sipped on a mocktail, here's what the experts say you need to know about how to split the bill on a date.

In this article:

• Who Should Pay for the First Date?
• Is Splitting the Bill on a Date Okay?
• How to Ask to Split the Bill on a Date
• Who Should Pay on Dates in a Relationship?

Who Should Pay for the First Date?

Wondering who would pay on a date is a loaded question that brings with it decades of subconscious beliefs that each person has about their role in dating. While it can seem as innocuous as who reaches for their wallet first, there's often more at stake, including upholding etiquette that could be a red or green flag to your date.

"The question of who should pay on a first date is less about hard and fast rules and more about what that decision represents in the context of our personal value systems," says Brooke Sprowl, founder and clinical director at My LA Therapy.

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Sprowl explains that this goes beyond wondering if it is okay to split the bill on a date and, instead, gets into symbolic questions of gender roles, equality, generosity or power dynamics. "For some, the act of paying is a traditional gesture, signaling care and intention, while for others, splitting the bill may reflect a desire for balance and equality in the relationship from the start," Sprowl says. So who should actually pay? Here's what Sprowl says.

Who Should Pay for the First Date in a Heterosexual Couple?

"There may be an expectation rooted in traditional gender norms that the man pays," Sprowl says. For many couples, that tradition runs deep. It's assumed that the guy will immediately reach for the bill as soon as it arrives, but that doesn't have to be the rule.

Sprowl says, "As societal views shift, many couples now see splitting the bill as a reflection of mutual respect and shared investment in the experience." And, particularly if you're a man looking for affordable date ideas, splitting the bill makes more sense financially.

Who Pays on the First Date in a Homosexual Couple?

There's not the same-gender role precedent when it comes to homosexual couples, regardless of the gender dynamic within the date. "In homosexual couples, the dynamics can be more fluid, with the decision often based more on personal preferences or who initiated the date rather than any pre-existing societal expectations," Sprowl says.

Sprowl suggests having the conversation early on so there's no confusion about expectations (or about who ordered the extra appetizer!)—this can also be an exercise in open communication and intentional dating.

Is Splitting the Bill on a Date Okay?

Do you split the bill on a first date once you've considered social norms and expectations? Or is it a recipe for not getting a second date? According to Sprowl, splitting the bill on a date can be a sign of equality and partnership—but that doesn't mean one way is right or wrong. "For some, it can signal a desire for mutual contribution, while for others, it may feel more appropriate to have one person pay as a gesture of generosity or affection," Sprowl says.

She also explains that the portions of the bill can be split so one person doesn't feel as if they're taking on the entire financial burden of the date, yet there can still be elements of tradition. "Asking to split the bill can be situational—perhaps one person has offered to cover dinner while the other pays for dessert or drinks afterward. This kind of give-and-take can add a layer of shared responsibility without turning the date into a transactional experience."

How to Ask to Split the Bill on a Date

Asking how to split the bill might not be at the top of your list of first date questions, and Tammy Shaklee founder and president at H4M Matchmaking suggests putting that question upfront before you've even arrived for the evening. "When confirming the plans, it's perfectly appropriate to say, 'If it works for you, I'd love to split the tab. This way, we can focus on getting to know each other without worrying about the logistics. Thank you for understanding my preference,'" Shaklee says.

She believes this approach levels the playing field for both people, allowing each person to feel empowered and taking out any sense of obligation or owing the other person. Shaklee adds, "Just be sure the split reflects what each person consumed—like a nondrinker not covering someone else's cocktails. This principle applies to all shared expenses, from concert tickets to activity costs."

Who Should Pay on Dates in a Relationship?

Once you get into a relationship, it doesn't necessarily make sense for one person to continue to pay for every date or to split everything equally—and this is when communication is critical. There are considerations including each person's financial situation, whether one person has to travel further for the dates or who came up with the date idea. "For second dates and beyond, consider what feels fair rather than strictly equal. Open communication is essential. If your date buys the movie tickets, you could offer to handle the Uber or parking. Thoughtfulness goes a long way," Shaklee says.

Sprowl adds that as you get into a long-term relationship, who pays can evolve with the circumstances. "In established relationships, alternating who pays or contributes based on income or preference often feels more natural, with the decision reflecting the level of comfort and communication within the couple," Sprowl says. This will change from the fifth date to the fiftieth, and open communication and understanding will make sure that both parties feel it's an equitable partnership.