Is the 'Three Date Rule' Officially Outdated Now?

It's a tale that goes back way further than the original run of Sex & The City: You go on a date with someone and society says you must wait until just the right time to have sex. Otherwise, the relationship will inevitably not last. It's called the three-date rule—but is it officially outdated yet?

To get to the bottom of the potentially antiquated rule, we turned to Dr. Betsy Chung, a clinical psychologist and relationship expert with over 10 years of experience working with individuals and couples. As the resident dating expert at RAW dating app, she's knowledgeable in all things new relationships and has the low-down on what is the three-date rule and if it still applies.

Read on for all the deets on the three-date rule below.

In this article:

• What is the three-date rule?
• Is sex on the third date too soon?
• How long should you date before having sex?
• Is the three-date rule still relevant amongst Gen Z?

What is the three-date rule?

The three-date rule is the concept that, according to Chung, sets a standard of when you should engage sexually with someone. And as the name suggests, it's date number three that the "rule" says you should wait until you have sex.

However, we know that sex is not a one-size-fits-all. "Generally, if you're just looking to have a casual sexual relationship and both partners are consenting, then having sex on the first date is completely acceptable," says Chung. "However, if you're interested in finding somebody who can be a potential long-term partner, then it may be a good idea to wait at least three dates so that you give yourself time to talk about expectations and get to know each other's intentions better."

It's also worthy of note that the third-date rule can be used to shame others for their sexual choices. Remember that the timing of sex is a personal preference and no matter what any "rule" says, it's completely up to each individual.

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Is sex on the third date too soon?

The question of whether or not sex on the third date is too soon really depends on you and your partner. "Since everybody has their own values and perspectives concerning sex, whether sex on a date is 'too soon' or not depends on what you're looking for," Chung explains.

No matter where you land on the spectrum of desires, the most important thing here is that you're clear about what it is that you want and not to feel pressured into doing something that you're not ready for. The partner you're looking for is the one whom you feel comfortable being yourself with, Chung adds.

How long should you date before having sex?

Again, this is all up to you and your partner. If you're someone who enjoys casual sex and it doesn't make an impact on your relationships in a negative way, then if you and your partner want to get down on the first date, go for it. If you'd rather wait until the third—or 30th— date, that's cool, too. There isn't a set number of dates or length of time that is right for everyone.

"This really depends on what you're looking for and should be gauged based on both partner's needs," reminds Chung. "Trust yourself to feel it out, but make sure you don't feel pressured."

Is the three-date rule still relevant amongst Gen Z?

It used to be that pop culture referenced this dating rule as a must-follow. But among the newer generations, like Gen Z, it doesn't hold as much weight. Now, we better understand that sex isn't something based on an algorithm, but something that is truly a personal preference.

Do what feels right for you and your partner. Listen to yourself, be honest and, above all, be sure that consent is freely given and received. If you have all these things in place, you don't have to follow a three-date rule to be successful in finding a fulfilling relationship.