How Toxic Positivity Can Impact Your Relationships

In 2024, there are a lot of trendy relationship phrases out there. Think: love bombing, gaslighting, the narcissistic relationship and the tell-all of what makes a toxic relationship. But there's one phrase that you may have heard—and could be affecting your relationship for the worst—and that is toxic positivity.

"We often hear the phrase, 'Look on the bright side,' but what if that perspective comes at the expense of acknowledging our true feelings?" Dr. Sham Singh, a UCLA-trained psychiatrist from Winit Clinic tells The Knot. "Toxic positivity emerges from this well-meaning impulse, masking the pain and struggles that are an inherent part of the human experience."

And no, toxic positivity isn't just something that happens in the corporate world or a work setting, but it could be happening in your own love life, too. To help you better understand this sneaky form of toxicity (and how to snuff it out) we've got the expertise of psychotherapist Katie Krimer, below.

In this article:

• What Is Toxic Positivity?
• Examples of Toxic Positivity in Relationships
• How Toxic Positivity Can Impact Relationships
• How to Deal with Toxic Positivity in Relationships

What Is Toxic Positivity?

The word toxic is thrown around quite a bit these days. But what is toxic positivity, exactly? What could be so toxic about positivity in the first place? The toxic positivity definition, according to Krimer, is the belief that people should maintain a positive mindset at all times, regardless of the emotional challenges they might be facing.

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"It dismisses or minimizes negative emotions and replaces them with superficial reassurances, often leading to emotional invalidation," Krimer explains, "While staying positive can be helpful, toxic positivity denies the reality of painful or difficult emotions, which are natural and necessary parts of the human experience." So, in actuality, there is nothing all that positive about toxic positivity.

Toxic Positivity vs. Optimism

When you think about toxic positivity, you might think of optimism. But what does toxic positivity vs. optimism really mean?

The differences: According to Krimer, optimism is the hope for a positive outcome while still acknowledging and accepting the existence of challenges and negative emotions. It encourages resilience and problem-solving. Toxic positivity, on the other hand, involves ignoring or denying negative emotions and forcing positivity, which can invalidate genuine emotional experiences.

The similarities: Both toxic positivity and optimism emphasize positive thinking, but optimism does so with emotional realism, whereas toxic positivity is unrealistic and dismissive of hardship.

Toxic Positivity vs. Gaslighting

And then you've got gaslighting, too. Toxic positivity, gaslighting and more can often be conflated to be the same thing. And they do have some similarities, of course, but are also different, too.

Differences: Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person causes another to question their own reality, making them doubt their perceptions and feelings. It's often intentional and manipulative. "Toxic positivity, though also invalidating, is usually unintentional and comes from a well-meaning place, aiming to provide comfort by focusing solely on the positive," Krimer says.

Similarities: Both toxic positivity and gaslighting can invalidate someone's feelings. However, gaslighting is more manipulative and controlling, while toxic positivity is often rooted in discomfort with negative emotions rather than an intent to deceive.

Toxic Positivity vs. Narcissism

If you're thinking of toxic positivity in relationships, you might also think of narcissism. After all, it's one of those words we hear often. But just like optimism and gaslighting, narcissism has both similarities and differences with toxic positivity.

Differences: Narcissism involves a pattern of self-centered, arrogant thinking and behavior, a lack of empathy and an excessive need for admiration. "Narcissists may use positivity to maintain their inflated self-image or to avoid dealing with others' emotional needs," Krimer adds. "Toxic positivity is not necessarily self-serving, but it does stem from a discomfort with negative emotions, both in oneself and others."

Similarities: Both can invalidate the emotional experiences of others. A narcissist may invalidate others' feelings to protect their ego, while someone practicing toxic positivity may do so to avoid confronting discomfort.

Examples of Toxic Positivity in Relationships

Now that you know what toxic positivity is, you can be on the lookout for signs of toxic positivity if they should arise in your own relationship.

1. Just Stay Positive

Recognizing examples of toxic positivity in relationships can be really helpful in the long run. One example, Krimer says, is telling your partner to "just stay positive" when they express sadness, instead of listening and acknowledging their pain.

2. It Could Be Worse

"Responding to a loved one's struggles with phrases like 'it could be worse' or 'look on the bright side' without engaging with their feelings is a sign of toxic positivity," Krimer explains.

3. Dismissing Concerns

Plus, dismissing concerns with something like "everything happens for a reason" or "it's all good," can be one of those toxic positivity examples. It is making the other person feel unheard or invalidated.

How Toxic Positivity Can Impact Relationships

By now, you might see that toxic positivity in relationships can be a very challenging thing to experience. And left to its own devices, it can cause a lot of harm. "Toxic positivity can create emotional distance and feelings of alienation in relationships. When one partner's emotions are repeatedly invalidated, they may feel unheard, unimportant or unsupported," Krimer says. "This can lead to resentment, decreased emotional intimacy and a lack of trust, as one partner feels that their emotions are not safe to express."

How to Deal with Toxic Positivity in Relationships

That's why it's so important to learn how to avoid toxic positivity—and take care of it when it pops up—before it causes too much damage. Regardless of if you're the toxically positive one, or your partner is the culprit, here are healthy relationship tips to deal with it, below.

What to do if your partner is using toxic positivity

• Communicate openly: Let your partner know how their words make you feel. Explain that while their intentions might be good, you need space to express negative emotions without judgment.
• Request empathy: Ask for emotional support rather than solutions. For example, "I don't need advice or a pep talk, I just need you to listen."
• Set boundaries: If the pattern continues, set clear boundaries around how you want to be emotionally supported.

What to do if you're using toxic positivity

• Acknowledge discomfort with negative emotions: Recognize that negative emotions are part of life and that it's okay to feel sad, anxious or frustrated.
• Practice active listening: Focus on understanding and validating the other person's feelings without immediately offering solutions or positive spins. Phrases like "That sounds really hard" can be more supportive than trying to fix the issue.
• Educate yourself on emotional validation: Learn to validate both your own and others' emotions by recognizing and accepting all feelings, rather than only focusing on the positive ones.