Here's How Fexting Can Harm Your Relationship

You notice that your partner left dirty dishes in the sink instead of emptying the dishwasher. Instead of waiting until they get home, you send them a photo and say, "For the millionth time, empty the dishwasher instead of leaving dirty dishes in the sink!" After a few rapid-fire texts back and forth, you've both said something you regret. Arguing over text messages – aka fexting – can lead a fight to spiral out of control. Sound familiar? We spoke to experts to learn how fexting can harm your relationship and what to do when you feel the urge to fext.

In this article:

• What is Fexting?
• How Fexting Can Impact Relationships
• How to Stop Fexting With Your Partner

What is Fexting?

The term "fexting" has a surprising origin story. Former first lady Dr. Jill Biden told Harper's Bazaar that during the Obama administration, she and former President Joe Biden would argue over text messages so the Secret Service didn't overhear. She explained that they called the practice "fexting," which is a combination of the words "fighting" and "texting." Like "phubbing," a portmanteau of "phone" and "snubbing," this funny sounding phrase can have some not-so-funny consequences.

How Fexting Can Impact Relationships

While the Bidens may be able to fext diplomatically, there are some things to consider before sending an all-caps text. Here are the pros and cons of fexting.

It Can Help You Practice Healthy Fighting Techniques

Fexting can be a beneficial way for couples to learn "healthy fighting words," says Julie Menanno, a licensed marriage and family therapist, author and founder of The Secure Relationship. She uses the analogy of learning to read and write in a foreign language before going to the country and trying to hold a conversation. "It gives people the opportunity to practice at a workable pace and think about what they are going to say in a way that's safe," she says, noting that the goal would be to get comfortable enough that they can move to having in-person conversations.

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"I can talk to my husband about hard or easy topics in real life because we know how to do it. But there was a time when we didn't know how to do it, and we did benefit from having text conversations because we could slow it down more easily," she says.

It Can Give You Time to Process Your Emotions

"The only benefit to fexting is processing time. People can take a minute to gather their thoughts before replying," says Rachel DeAlto, chief connection officer at Match Group. Of course, that means that they would need to practice self-regulation. Instead of sending an angry text back, suggest pausing until you can have an in-depth conversation and propose a time to talk IRL or on a video or phone call if you're in an LDR.

It Can Cause a Fight to Escalate

While you might be tempted to send a text to resolve an issue faster instead of waiting until the end of the day – or in the Bidens' case until the Secret Service agents are out of earshot – it can backfire. "The problem with fexting is that it can escalate problems further. There is no tone or inflection, and words can feel colder and less empathetic over text versus in person," says DeAlto.

It's not just that texts can be misinterpreted as harsher than intended, they may actually be meaner. "When a person is fexting, they may feel more confident sending something mean or hurtful via text message than they would in person. We have heard of the term 'keyboard warriors' and there is a different sense of confidence that can occur behind a screen," says Leanna Stockard, a licensed marriage and family therapist at LifeStance Health.

How to Stop Fexting With Your Partner

While there is a difference between texting about a little annoyance like your partner leaving dishes in the sink instead of emptying the dishwasher and something more serious, they can both lead people to feel attacked, defensive and angry. Suddenly a tiff about something small turns into a full-day of back and forth missives. By the time you're home, you're too annoyed to have a respectful conversation. Here's what to do instead of fexting.

Reflect Before You Fext

Before sending an angry text message, consider whether it is truly urgent or can wait until you both have time for an in-depth conversation. If it is urgent, consider calling or sending a voice memo instead of fexting. If it's not, wait. Try a coping mechanism like doing a breathing exercise, going for a short walk or listening to music. If you find that you're better at processing your emotions through writing, take out a piece of paper and reflect on why you're upset, what you want to say and possible resolutions.

De-escalate the Convo

If you've received an angry text, take a deep breath and resist the urge to continue the fight. Instead, it's helpful to acknowledge the message and how your partner feels but recommend pausing the conversation until you can speak in person. Here are some ways you can respond:

• If it's something small like the dishes in the sink, you can say, "I'm sorry I didn't unload the dishwasher this morning. Thank you for unloading it. I'll make sure to check if the dishwasher is done."
• If you said something that morning that hurt their feelings, you could say, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings. I love you and want to make sure you feel heard. Can we talk tonight when we get home from work?"
• If you've already committed to curbing fexting, you can say, "I'm sorry you're upset. We decided not to fext because we end up hurting each other's feelings. Let's talk tonight."

Hone Your Healthy Fighting Skills

As anyone who has been to couples therapy knows, you can learn how to fight fair. As Menanno said, it's like learning a new language. If you find that fighting with your partner is unproductive because you both have difficulty communicating your feelings respectfully, you may benefit from practicing skills like using "I" statements instead of "you" statements via text. Eventually it will be second-nature and you'll be a pro at having healthy arguments IRL.