How to Be a Supportive Friend When You Don't Fully Support the Pair

Most of us have been there: We love our friend but can barely tolerate their significant other. Maybe we don't think it's a match or think our friend is settling for what's in front of her. No matter our reasons, we're confident that she's not making the best decision in love. You vocalize your concerns, but ultimately, your friend decides to stick it out with their current partner. (If, however, you know or believe your friend is in an abusive relationship, please call the Domestic Violence Support Line at 800-799-SAFE).

Now, our friend's romance with the wrong partner may run its course, and they're off to find wedded bliss with someone else. However, there is the occasional couple that we weren't necessarily rooting for, but alas, an engagement announcement is made, and they're headed toward a lifelong commitment.

If you're close with this friend, you may be asked to be in the wedding party or attend functions that celebrate their love. And as a friend, the internal pull to say or do something yanks at your heart, and you begin to wonder, how do I show up as a friend when I don't support this union?

Examine your feelings and why you don't like their partner.

Unlike with casual dating relationships, there is a fierce sense of protection when it comes to our friends and their romantic partners when the relationship becomes more serious. We want the best for our friends and hope they find someone who is their equal in love, respect, and ambition. And when we think a friend is getting a raw end of a deal, it's hard not to harbor bitter feelings toward their significant other.

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Liz Higgins, LMFT-S, founder of Millennial Counseling shares, "If you're struggling to accept your friend's partner, I would take the vulnerable approach and use this as something to bring you closer to your friend. Healthy relationships, including friendships, aren't about believing the same things, agreeing, and avoiding conflict. I would take a mature and honest approach and find a respectful way to explore and share what feels off putting for you about your friend's partner."

Higgins goes on to explain that your feelings could be a projection of a deeper truth. "Does this represent the loss that their partnership may mean to your friendship? Are you noticing feelings of jealousy? Is there something about this other person that reminds you of someone you've had difficulties with in your own life?"

By identifying your feelings and origin of your distaste for the person, you can better establish future boundaries with their soon-to-be spouse and articulate the qualities you wish you saw in their partner. Higgins offers a powerful first step, "First, I would explore the root of these insecurities and then openly explore them with your friend, with the clarity and expression that your honesty is meant to help you find ways to support and remain connected to your friend, rather than polarize or grow apart."

Continue to show up for your friend emotionally and physically.

You may experience conflicting feelings as you help your friend prepare for their big day. You may wonder if you're inauthentic participating in celebratory events like a shower or engagement party when you have doubts about the couple. Some will even feel the most honest thing to do is sit out and protest the engagement and wedding. But one of the most supportive acts you can do as a friend is to show up in every sense of the word and be a dependable source of light, calmness, and love.

It's essential to continue to show up for your friend emotionally and physically through the engagement season and beyond. Should your friend come to realize what you've seen all along, it will be vital that they have a safe place and a support system where they can be honest about what is going on. Turning on your friend could cause them to only run faster into the arms of their partner. Further, it could leave irreversible damage on your friendship that is past the point of repair.

Let your friend know that you are a person in their life that will withstand all seasons with them. Offer a listening ear, unbiased advice where you can, and reassure them that your friendship isn't going to be an afterthought post-nuptials. You can reinforce this by continuing to help your friend with wedding responsibilities and checking in periodically to see how you can relieve them of any wedding stress. It may help to remind yourself that you're not responsible for someone else's relationship; you're responsible for how you show up in the friendship.

Keep it cordial and respectful with the partner.

One of the most challenging aspects of seeing a friend get married or more serious with an ill-fitted partner is witnessing the evolution of the couple becoming a union or a package deal. "My" becomes "we"; gifts are signed from "The Xs." There can be a natural inclination to pretend the partner doesn't exist or to take small jabs when in their presence.

Instead of pretending that the spouse doesn't exist or acting out of passive aggression when you see them, remember that this person is now an extension of your friend's heart. Work to set the appropriate boundaries with this person while still respecting your friend's relationship. This could look like sending holiday cards addressed to them as a couple or asking how their spouse is doing when catching up over the phone.

To be clear, it's not to turn a blind eye if you see bad behavior; it's not biting your tongue when you're a witness to red flags. Instead, it's about fostering a positive environment for your friend, especially during her engagement season. Allow your friendship to be one less thing they have to worry about during a stressful season—show-up by being the bigger person and keeping it classy in polite company.

Remember, you don't see everything behind closed doors.

One of the best tools a friend has is their perspective and objectivity. Thankfully it allows friends to have enough emotional distance to sniff out a bad person or inappropriate behavior. If you know your friend is in a healthy and mutually respectful relationship, but you're simply "not a fan" of the partner, it doesn't hurt to remind yourself that you're not with the couple at all times.

A partner who comes off stand-offish and quiet may be the strong-but-silent type who dotes on your friend and treats them like royalty. The partner who may come off as a wallflower and your friend's polar opposite may create a space at home that is exciting and lively when it's just the two of them.

Consider asking your friend their favorite things about their soon-to-be spouse. A glimpse into what life at home is like may ease some lingering skepticism. In the event you're not won over, remember that you loved your friend before "I do," and you'll continue to be their friend afterward.