Living With In-Laws? Experts Provide Tips On How to Cohabitate Peacefully

One of the discussions some couples have before getting married is their stance on living with in-laws. While some people are open to the idea of having family members move in, others may have more reservations about it. The reality is that sometimes life's circumstances will result in parents, aunts, uncles or siblings having to move in. For instance, you could end up moving in with in-laws to save money or they move in because they're aging and can no longer care for themselves. While it can be uncomfortable, and sometimes downright frustrating, it's critical to learn how to cohabitate peacefully.

How do you navigate different living styles, conflicting values, a lack of privacy and diminishing personal space? Quinelle Hickman, couples therapist and CEO of Counseling to Comfort based in New York City and Dr. Meghan Shamburger, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Long Beach, California, provide guidance that may help if you're in this phase of your life.

Be Honest About What You're Comfortable With

If your in-laws haven't moved in yet, a first tip to consider is being honest about what you're comfortable with as it relates to life with in-laws. "You don't want to say something that sounds nice in the moment because you're trying to be nice, and you really truly don't think that you'll feel comfortable with something," Hickman says.

It's a good exercise to journal your thoughts around the subject before discussing them with your partner. Think about factors such as how long you're open to living with in-laws, what you need to maintain a peaceful home, how you'll maintain privacy and how you'll uphold family values. Even if your in-laws have already moved in, it's not too late to communicate things you're not OK with.

Set Clear Boundaries

Setting boundaries will become increasingly important when you're living with parents-in-law. Remember, boundaries can be clear and loving and they exist to maintain harmony within your household. Shamburger says it's important to establish boundaries from the beginning.

An example of a boundary she shares is around conflict and not interfering in one another's arguments. "If the married couple is having conflict, then the parents or siblings that live at the house should not join in on this conflict," she says. "They shouldn't be giving opinions or anything like that unless a couple is going to sit together for guidance, but it shouldn't be like they're jumping in and taking sides and voicing something."

Likewise, you may have to set boundaries around authority for parents-in-law. It's easy for the parent-child dynamic to creep in and for in-laws to start overstepping boundaries as a result. For instance, you may struggle to get along with your father-in-law because he's often telling your husband what to do and disregarding your input. However, they will need to respect your dynamic as husband and wife without trying to dominate their adult children.

Other boundaries to consider include setting around-the-house rules, communication, processes, personal space, privacy and even discipline if there are kids in the house. Discuss these boundaries with your partner and then you can communicate them to your in-laws. Also, remember that boundaries can always be revisited and re-established and don't have to be set it and forget it. Additionally, an important aspect of boundaries is communicating how you'll respond if they aren't respected. Typically, it should be the child of the parent or direct relation of the in-law who does the enforcement.

Allocate Personal Spaces

One of the challenges that may come up when living with in-laws is how you retain a sense of privacy or personal space. This can be especially hard in smaller spaces. Hickman suggests allocating a personal space reserved for yourself and your partner that is used for relaxing and connecting with one another. Likewise, Hickman believes you should also allocate space for your in-laws so they also feel at home. "We want to make sure that they're comfortable. Where is their safe space? Where is their sanctuary? How are we going to present the feeling that their new home is going to have?" she says.

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Practically, this might look like creating a little space on the patio or in the garden where you and your spouse connect in the evening. Or creating a space in your lounge where you can chat and watch a movie. Likewise, you may let the lounge be your in-law's safe space during a certain time of the day or let it be their safe space permanently if you have a second lounge. For those tight on space, your bedroom may become your sanctuary and you may set clear rules around maintaining your privacy within that space.

Set Clear Expectations About Responsibility

Every household has a system in place and that doesn't usually stop when in-laws move in. It's important to familiarize in-laws with your household systems and communicate your expectations for how they should contribute. That means letting them know simple things like how household chores are divided and agreeing on what they'll own. If you have expectations around financial contributions, communicate that explicitly too.

Remember to give grace—it takes time to adjust to a new way of living. You may also want to think ahead of time about the consequences if your in-laws don't hold up their end of the bargain. Consequences aren't there to punish your in-laws, but to help you maintain self-love and respect.

Spend Time Away From Home

If you have the means, be intentional about getting out of the house with your partner to maintain your connection as a couple. If you can, go on regular date nights, plan couple vacations or arrange a staycation. Smaller and simpler ways to get quality time is to do lunch or brunch dates during the week if your work schedules allow.

When you have in-laws at home and are inundated with monotonous daily responsibilities, it's easy to become disconnected from your partner. If you have children, be intentional about spending quality time with them without in-laws also.

Focus on Relationship Building

Living with in-laws is a chance to get to know them better. While it may be uncomfortable depending on your relationship, look for ways to create greater intimacy. One idea is to spend quality time together doing activities like cooking, cleaning or watching shows. You may also ask your mother-in-law or father-in-law questions about their life, career and just about anything to get a better sense of who they are.

Family Counseling

Not every in-law relationship is harmonious—some are conflict-riddled. If that's the case for you or living together is causing more chaos than anticipated, you may want to consider therapy. "No one says therapy is just for couples," Shamburger says. "You can go to therapy with your mother-in-law and with your father-in-law. You can go to therapy with these people too." She adds, "Any relationship can be healed as long as both parties are willing to."

If you have a narcissistic mother-in-law who isn't open to therapy, consider going on your own to help you cope. Family counseling can help iron out any kinks in the communication you're experiencing, unearth hidden wounds and teach you new ways of existing. It can also provide effective strategies for conflict resolution. The latter is key because, oftentimes, conflict within a relationship is inevitable. What matters most is how you repair and make amends.

Shamburger also emphasizes the importance of being more open to the idea of living with in-laws considering it may be inevitable for some people for economic and health reasons. "I think it's really important that we start to learn how to get along with all of our different generations of in-laws and break down that negative cliche about not getting along with in-laws," she says.