Living with a Messy Partner? Here's How to Not Get Irritated Easily When Your Partner Is Messy

Moving in together is a huge milestone worthy of celebration. But once the boxes are unpacked and you settle into everyday life, little idiosyncrasies start popping up. If lack-of-tidiness habits have you wondering how to not get irritated easily when your partner is messy, you've found yourself in the right corner of the internet.

Here's the thing: It would be super rare if any couple moved in together and magically aligned on every single aspect of maintaining the house. In other words, little frustrations related to cleaning are bound to rear their head, which makes communication, patience and a little compromise paramount to a happy home.

In this article:

• Why You May Get Irritated When Your Partner is Messy
• How to Not Get Irritated When Your Partner is Messy
• How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Messy Habits

Why You May Get Irritated When Your Partner is Messy

Depending on our upbringing and how we navigate the world on a day-to-day basis, we've got our own habits and an ingrained sense of how things should be. Your partner has their own set of ideals and habits, which can make for a little bit of collision once you two are sharing walls. A place where this friction often rears its head is cleanliness and organization.

"When our partner does not meet our standard, we may deem them as messy and can feel frustrated by this," explains Leanna Stockard, LMFT at LifeStance Health. "It may feel frustrating to know that your partner does not have the same standard as you, and you can feel that you two are not on the same page."

What's more, this misalignment of cleanliness habits can impact how you feel in your own home, which only exacerbates the frustration. Naturally, you want your space to feel comfortable and inviting because it's where you spend a lot of your time.

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How to Not Get Irritated When Your Partner is Messy

Bickering, huffing, eye rolling or passive-aggressive commentary isn't going to get you anywhere in this scenario. In fact, it's more likely to backfire! If you're living with a messy person and need to figure out how to deal, do these things before jumping to frustration.

Identify the Source of Frustration

First, it's important to identify what exactly is causing you so much anger, frustration or resentment about a messy house. "Does it challenge your need for control? Did you grow up in a house that was chaotic and messy? Or is it simply just a preference to have things put away and organized?" asks Danika Zivot, LMFT, DBH, a doctor of behavioral health and a licensed marriage and family therapist.

She says that whatever the answer is, there is no judgment. It's just good to know what specific button gets pushed inside of you before you address it with your partner. (It's also crucial when having healthy arguments.) In addition to this introspection helping you understand your own triggers, it'll help you communicate your feelings and needs more clearly to your partner. This is also a good time to examine your own standards to make sure they're not too high or are impossible to meet.

Remind Yourself Your Partner is Different—Not Bad

This is sort of obvious, but hear us out. It can help a lot to consistently remind yourself that you and your partner are very different people with your own set of preferences and habits. "They did not grow up or have the same experiences that you have, and because of this, they may have a different standard or expectation of what their space should look like," Stockard says.

This does not make them a bad person—they're just different from you. They could also have issues such as ADHD, anxiety, stress or depression that are causing them to fall behind on household tasks.

Practice Gratitude

Even the tiniest acts of gratitude can go a long way in a relationship. "When you start to feel irritated, pay attention to the things that your partner is doing and put less focus on the things that they are not doing," Stockard says. "This can help you build some appreciation for your partner's efforts." Keep in mind that even if they're not killing it in the laundry department or drive you bonkers when it comes to clutter, they've got some good things going.

How to Talk to Your Partner About Their Messy Habits

Keeping a cool head is step one to dealing with a messy partner. If you're in a calm place, then here are some ways you can talk house with bae (who you still adore even if they're not so great at picking up the dirty clothes off the floor or loading the dishwasher).

Get Curious

The last thing you want to do is start with directives or criticisms. If you want to live in a peaceful home, you've got to enter this conversation with a sense of openness and curiosity.

"The rule of healthy communication is to own your own feelings and triggers instead of putting the blame, shame and criticism on someone else," Zivot says. "Listen carefully and with curiosity to your partner's response and reflect back exactly what you hear them say."

Is your messy partner pressed for time, do they simply not value a clean and organized home like you do, or is it caused by ADHD, depression or anxiety? Knowing the answer can help you come up with a good game plan.

Communicate Your Needs and Preferences

Instead of focusing on what your partner is or is not doing that is frustrating, focus on how their messiness makes you feel. When doing this, Stockard says to use "I statements" versus "you statements."

"I believe that it is also important to talk to your partner about what your expectations are for your living spaces and why it feels important to you," Stockard adds. "A person may feel more open to discussion about compromise if they have a better understanding about why it is important, instead of just being told what to do."

Find Some Middle Ground

Once both partners feel heard and understood by one another, see if there is an opportunity for compromise in the situation. "For example, if a sink full of dirty dishes is hard for you, but overflowing trash is hard for your partner, work together on identifying which aspects of messiness each of you can focus on. In this case, they get trash duty and you get dishes duty," Stockard says.

Zivot agrees, noting that pretty much every household task requires some negotiation (and renegotiation) over time. Reframe household chores as a problem you're tackling together (versus seeing this as a me versus you situation) and come up with a schedule and chore chart that works for both of you. If it's helpful, set up a date to re-discuss whether it's working and to make any changes.

Practice Patience Over the Long-Term

Remember that you and your partner are very different, so these changes may not kick in right away. Practice patience as you both try to come together in the middle. Stockard says, "Your partner will not be perfect right away and may find themselves falling back into their previous habits. This will require patience and continued communication between partners to be able to work together and meet one another's standards."