Paranoid About Cheating? Here's What Experts Say to Do

Experiencing cheating is truly painful. Whether you've experienced being in a relationship where infidelity or emotional cheating was happening in the past, or you've been the one to do it, it is a feeling that can be hard to forget. So it's understandable, if now, you feel paranoid about cheating—even in the healthiest relationships.

Fear of cheating comes from so many things: being hurt in the past, being lied to before, having been untrue themselves and so much more.Are you constantly finding yourself thinking "Why am I paranoid about being cheated on?" Or maybe you wonder how to stop being paranoid about your girlfriend cheating.

Even in the healthiest of relationships, sometimes, we can get bogged down by fear and paranoia. If this is you, don't worry—Christine Olsen, a relationship therapist with over ten years of experience working with couples—gave us her best advice for how to communicate your feelings and move beyond the fear, below.

In this article:

• What Causes Someone to be Paranoid About Cheating?
• What to Do if You're Paranoid About Your Partner Cheating
• What to Do if Your Partner is Paranoid About You Cheating

What Causes Someone to be Paranoid About Cheating?

Here's the thing: if you're paranoid about being cheated on or worried about cheating in general, it's okay! You're not alone in this feeling.

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"Fear of cheating comes from past hurt. This hurt may be from a current spouse, a past relationship or as an observer of someone else's hurt stemming from cheating," Olsen says, "Fear is triggered as a protector against future hurt, like an alarm bell of sorts."

They've Experienced Lying in the Past

Remember, past hurt can trigger a response in future relationships (or in the same one that the infidelity happened in originally.)

"If someone fears their partner will cheat, it may be because their partner has been less than truthful in the relationship," Olsen says, "In other words, there is a good reason for the fear because the partner's behavior has given the message that it is plausible."

They've Felt What Cheating Feels Like

Another reason for being worried about cheating can be because you've actually been on the receiving end of infidelity in the past.

"They may have been with ex-partners that have betrayed their trust and gone outside the relationship, whether emotionally or physically," Olsen tells The Knot, "When they get close to someone and let them in, that fear of them cheating intensifies, even if they have done nothing to warrant it."

Growing Up Around Cheating

Why am I paranoid about my husband cheating? It might be because you witnessed it as a child with your parents.

According to Olsen, it is a common experience to see infidelity in their parents' relationship. After all, parents are a main source for how we understand relationships to be, so naturally, we absorb it up in our own relationships, someday.

"For children who are exposed to infidelity, they may see the pain of the victimized parent," Olsen says, "Which can have a significant impact on the fear they bring forward into their own relationships in adulthood."

What to Do if You're Paranoid About Your Partner Cheating

Regardless of if you've been lied to in the past, or you've seen your parents go through infidelity, being paranoid about cheating can actually have a negative effect on your current relationship.

At some point, long after we no longer need to be in safety mode, it's only natural for our bodies and minds to still be wary and paranoid about partner cheating, but even in healthy relationships. Here are some tried-and-true for how to not worry about cheating, below.

Try to Self-Reflect

"If you are worried about your partner cheating, you need to reflect on where

it is coming from," Olsen suggests, "Does your fear come from past hurt or is it the behavior of your current partner that is making you fearful?"

Communicate Your Feelings

When you have fears about cheating come up, instead of letting it fester, try communicating it.

"It might sound like, This situation is making me scared for us," Olsen says "Can we talk about this? This is a bid to your partner for reassurance or a talk about relationship boundaries."

Own It

What is one of the best ways to learn how to stop being paranoid about cheating? Owning it. The other side of the coin is owning your fears and insecurities, adds Olsen, and trusting that your partner can make adjustments to make you feel more secure—but, ultimately, it is up to you to work on the emotional wounds you are bringing from the past.

Set Expectations

"We all come to relationships with different expectations and boundaries. Too

often couples assume they have the same ones," Olsen reminds us, "This is so not true! What I think is appropriate behavior in a relationship, may not be yours. What constitutes cheating, may look different for you. Talk it out so there are no surprises later."

What to Do if Your Partner is Paranoid About You Cheating

Now, let's say you're not the one paranoid about being cheated on, but the one whose partner is worried about you doing the cheating. If so, remember that this fear can come from many places, and it often has nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do.

Here are some ways you can not only reassure your partner, but also deal with any feelings that come up for you, too.

Be Curious

"If your partner is worried you will cheat and there is not an obvious explanation, it is a great opportunity to get curious," Olsen says, "Try and understand where the fear is coming from."

Doing this may give you a better road map of how to help them feel more secure with you. It could be as simple as reassurance, by showing them how you see that it can be scary, but reminding them how loved and important they are to you.

Express the Impact

"Your partner's worry of cheating may come from a place of hurt and you empathize with that," Olsen says.

This does not mean you have to disregard your feelings if their fears are impacting you, though. After establishing your empathy for their perspective, try expressing how their fearful behavior is impacting you—because it's ok if it is.

Take Responsibility

"There may be ways you are behaving that make your partner less trusting in you," Olsen says, "Reflect on whether this is true. It could be that you have different expectations about how to behave with other people, which makes it a great time for you to chat about what is appropriate for your relationship."