What Does "Pick Your Battles" Mean and How Can You Practice It?

Relationships are one of the most surefire containers for growth, because you're constantly learning about yourself and others. This can especially be the case when your partner does something annoying or offensive. While it can be healthy to communicate when something is bothering you, is it healthy to do it all the time? It's important to know whether it's worth voicing every single grievance, which is where the term, "pick your battles" comes into play.

How do you know when to address something and when it might be better to let it go? We'll share some tips that might help you navigate this within your relationship.

In this article:

• What Does Pick Your Battles Mean?
• Why Is It Important to Pick Your Battles?
• How to Decide if a Battle Is Worth Fighting

What Does Pick Your Battles Mean?

Pick your battles quite literally means picking what battles are worth fighting. Another way to put it is that the saying can mean knowing when to raise issues versus let them go. The saying can apply to multiple scenarios and is often used within the context of relationships. Said relationships could include a friendship, interactions with work colleagues, acquaintances or battles in a romantic relationship.

The crux of the saying is to focus on discussions, disagreements or confrontations that are worthwhile rather than arguing about things that don't matter long term.

Why Is It Important to Pick Your Battles?

While healthy communication is fundamental to any relationship, choosing to bicker about every offense or problem could shift the communication from healthy to critical. The other person may begin feeling like they can't do anything right and you're unwilling to show them grace.

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Part of being in a relationship with someone is showing them grace, which can mean assuming good intent in some scenarios. It is also about acceptance and that means tolerating flaws as long as they aren't detrimental to you. For example, it may be annoying that your partner doesn't put their shoes away but might not be harmful to you on a physical or emotional level. For that reason you may not want to pick the same fight about them not putting their shoes away every time they do it. Instead, you may overlook it or find a fair middle ground.

How to Decide if a Battle Is Worth Fighting

It can be difficult to decide whether a battle is worth fighting; how can you decide whether to confront your partner or let it go? The answer to that question will look different for everyone. As a rule of thumb, think about what is most instrumental to you having a happy and fulfilling relationship. Anything that could stand in the way of you achieving that may be worth addressing.

Think About Your Goals As a Couple

The saying, "focus on the bigger picture" can be used when determining whether a battle is worth fighting or not. Before addressing a grievance, think about whether it will help you get closer to your joint goals as a couple. For instance, if you have a shared value of kindness you're working on building as a couple, addressing behavior that doesn't align with that value may be worthwhile.

Ask Yourself Whether the Issue Compromises Your Values

Sometimes, being quiet on certain issues can create an internal battle. Often that dissonance stems from feelings of self-betrayal. We betray ourselves when we compromise our integrity, values or ourselves for others. For example, if one of your core values as an individual is faithfulness within a relationship, overlooking cheating because you don't want to rock the boat can cause feelings of self-betrayal. While relationships do require compromise, we shouldn't have to compromise who we are at our core to be with someone. That said, any issues that arise that cause you to compromise your values may be worth the battle.

Think About Whether Addressing It Will Improve The Quality Of Your Relationship

Each person in a relationship deserves to feel happiness and satisfaction. When two people are satisfied, it can enhance the overall quality of the relationship. If something that's nagging at you will potentially improve the quality of the relationship, it may be worthwhile to chat about it. For instance, if you find you show up in the relationship as your best self when you have enough alone time but your partner likes to be joined by the hip, then that's probably a battle you want to fight. Any unmet needs you have that could be detrimental to the quality of your relationship should probably be discussed.

Decide Whether It Deserves The Energy

Every battle requires you to expend energy and that can be draining at times. Considering so many aspects of our lives demand our attention and energy daily, be cautious about how you spend that energy. Perhaps the battle you're considering fighting is something that wouldn't be that important if your partner got sick or you only had a few days left to live. That energy may also be better spent in other aspects of your relationship. Likewise, if your goal is to just prove a point and be right, that might be a waste of energy.

Disagreements are inevitable within a relationship, but knowing which ones to discuss and be persistent about is imperative. Keeping your relationship's best interest at heart, assuming good intent and focusing on the bigger picture for your relationship can help you decide which battles to pick and which to abandon.