How to Build Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship, From the Experts

Emotional intimacy is the heartbeat of any relationship. It's what makes the relationship feel loving and safe. However, it can be difficult to know how to build emotional intimacy or what exactly it means and looks like in a relationship. Thankfully, there are steps you can take to improve emotional intimacy, whether you're in a new relationship and want to take things to the next level or want to strengthen an existing bond in a long-term relationship. We chatted with licensed marriage and family therapist Erica R. Turner and psychotherapist and relationship coach Dr. Christie Kederian for the scoop on how to build emotional intimacy. Learn pro tips below.

In this article:

• What Is Emotional Intimacy?
• Examples of Emotional Intimacy
• How to Build Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship

What Is Emotional Intimacy?

Emotional intimacy can be defined as "the close connection between two partners in a relationship that is primarily centered around communicating and supporting each other's inner world—emotions and feelings," Dr. Kederian explains. "It's developed through conversation, healthy communication and ability to be vulnerable and safe around communicating delicate feelings about your internal world."

And there are so many benefits to building emotional intimacy. "This kind of closeness that we feel in these relationships gives us a sense of joy, safety, security and purpose that makes our lives worth living," Turner says. "You also have more confidence in your ability to take on other challenges. You don't have to worry as much about making sure your needs get met, which gives you a lot more time and energy to do other stuff that matters to you."

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Although emotional intimacy is so vital to our wellbeing, it's something many of us struggle with. "We often struggle with this because of past experiences we've had in relationships, both in childhood and with partners," Turner says. "Somewhere along the way, we learned that it wasn't safe to share, so we stopped doing it. Once you get into that pattern, it typically takes effort to get out of it."

Examples of Emotional Intimacy

To build emotional intimacy, it's important to recognize what it looks like. For starters, vulnerability is a telltale sign of emotional intimacy. It looks like sharing your innermost thoughts and feelings with each other—the things you wouldn't tell anyone else because you fear that they would judge you, Dr. Kederian says. It looks like knowing and trusting that the other person will listen and not judge, Turner adds.

In addition to being vulnerable, emotional intimacy is also about being your full self around your partner, Turner says, such as showing them your silly and goofy side and laughing together. Turner adds that emotional intimacy also entails showing your partner the sides of yourself that you perhaps don't love or are embarrassed about (such as being a messy person) and would normally not want others to see.

How to Build Emotional Intimacy in a Relationship

Building emotional intimacy in a relationship certainly takes time and effort but given all the benefits of it, it's worth it. Read on for expert tips on how exactly to improve emotional intimacy. Spoiler alert: It requires a lot of vulnerability.

Listen Without Judgement

Listening, like really listening, is key when it comes to building emotional intimacy in a relationship. The goal is to be a safe haven for your partner, Dr. Kederian says. To do so, she encourages practicing active listening skills, which involves not jumping in right away to try to fix their problems, but rather listening and reflecting to them how they feel.

Be curious, Turner adds, and ask them more questions about how they feel and why. "This helps each person feel heard and supported," she says. And whatever you do, avoid criticism, Kederian says, which disconnects rather than connects you from your partner.

Share Vulnerably

Learning how to build emotional intimacy with your partner also means you have to be vulnerable and communicate your feelings too once they've shown that they too are a safe person for you to share with. "It's important to not feel like the vulnerable sharing is one-sided, make sure you are opening up your internal world to your partner as well," Dr. Kederian says.

For example, Turner says being vulnerable can look like letting your partner know that you feel like you have to prove yourself all the time, you're afraid of being seen as lazy or that you worry your friends don't like spending time with you. "Whatever you find hard to share is exactly what you need to tell the person you trust and want to build emotional intimacy with," she says.

Spend Time Together Doing Stuff You Enjoy

"Emotional intimacy does not just include sharing painful or difficult aspects of our lives, but also fun and happy experiences," Turner says. "A relationship where you've gotten into the mode of just sharing the hard stuff can become exhausting, and even boring over time." So be sure you also make time to just have fun together doing whatever makes you both happy as that's another key for how to build emotional intimacy in a new relationship, long distance relationship or a marriage.

Work Through Your Own Stuff

All that said, being vulnerable is definitely not an easy thing to do and often people feel resistance when it comes to sharing their hearts. "Even if we feel a partner is a safe person for us, we may have strong internal messages and a history of experiences that tells us it's not okay to share our fears, desires or even our dreams," Turner says. If this resonates with you, she suggests working through this resistance by noticing your patterns and journaling about them in order to break them. And if you have a longstanding history of struggling with intimacy, she suggests working with a therapist to help you work through it.

Work Through Your Stuff Together

For couples who have experienced broken trust in the relationship, there may be some work you both need to do as a couple to get back to a place of emotional safety. "When there's scar tissue, it can be hard for couples to not get stuck in blaming each other, or withdrawing from intimacy altogether," Turner says. For this reason, she recommends seeking out a couples therapist who can help you both work through the issues and rebuild emotional intimacy in the relationship.