Advice for Taking a Break in a Relationship (Without Channeling Ross & Rachel)

If you and your partner(s) are considering pulling a Ross and Rachel and titling the next episode of your story "The One Where You're Taking a Break in a Relationship," this article might be for you.

There are so many opinions, thoughts and questions on taking the infamous relationship break. Does taking a break in a relationship work? Is taking a break in a relationship healthy? What are the ground rules? Should you simply call it quits?

To give you a true breakdown of taking a break in a relationship, we spoke to award-winning psychotherapist Dr. Lee Phillips and relationship therapist Lauren Tetenbaum. They gave us all the tips you need to know, below.

In this article:

• What Is a Break in a Relationship
• When Should You Take a Break in a Relationship
• The Benefits of Taking a Break in a Relationship?
• 4 Tips for Taking a Break in a Relationship
• When Is It Time to Break Up?

What Is a Break in a Relationship

Did anyone actually know what Ross meant when he yelled "We were on a break!" at Rachel? Maybe not. It's important to first understand what a break is before determining if it's right for your relationship.

According to both Dr. Phillips and Tetenbaum, a relationship break can essentially be defined as a pause: a moment for space, reflection and clarification on what each partner wants out of the relationship. Depending on your own needs, a break could include no contact or not.

"This pause can include not seeing each other, but checking in through text or calling,
Dr. Phillips says. "But all communication may be on hiatus in the relationship." You can make it what you both need.

When Should You Take a Break in a Relationship

How do you know if you should take a break in a relationship? It might seem complicated to decide, but in general, it's best to enact a relationship break if a relationship dynamic becomes too overwhelming and there isn't a good sense of communication happening.

For some people, outside stressors bleed into connections and they cannot truly be present with one another. For others, maybe there is a conflict in a relationship and both partner's needs aren't being met. In extremes, some significant others take a break when there has been infidelity or cheating, whether they are monogamous or not.

For most people (like Tetenbaum's clients) taking a relationship break is most common in people in their twenties—but there is not a right or wrong time to try it out, if it's what feels best for you and your partner in gaining clarity.

The Benefits of Taking a Break in a Relationship?

Contrary to popular opinion, there may be actual benefits to taking a break in a relationship. It's important to say that relationship breaks can and do work—so don't be afraid to give it a shot. In fact, Tetenbaum's now-husband of 11 years took breaks while dating in their twenties and their relationship has thrived.

A break can give partners the opportunity to address their own personal stressors through therapy or their support system, Dr. Phillips explains. In Tetenbaum's opinion, though, the primary benefit of taking a break in a relationship is to allow for a reset. A reset can mean thinking about what is important to you, what you are not getting out of your relationship as it currently is and, most importantly, why you want to be with your partner.

Above all, a relationship break gives the benefit of time which we all sometimes need to make the best decisions. As they say, time is a luxury—and a break offers that.

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4 Tips for Taking a Break in a Relationship

If you and your other half are thinking about taking a relationship break, it's a good idea to have tips and tricks in place to get the most out of it. We've got the four expert-recommended tips below.

1. Keep the terms of the relationship break clear

"Don't be like Ross and Rachel in Friends when they each thought a break meant something different!" warns Tetenbaum. "Upon taking a break, you and your partner should be clear: Are you communicating and, if so, how frequently? Are you seeing other people? Are you still getting physically intimate with each other? Is the break open-ended or finite? Answers will vary per couple, but clarity is key."

2. Be honest with yourself and each other

Honesty is key here. You can't do anything to grow in a break without being honest with yourself and one another. Dr. Phillips recommends fostering that honesty from the very beginning of the break to the end—where you hopefully reunite.

3. Consider professional help

If a relationship break is on your mind, sometimes couples can really benefit from working with a professional who can facilitate conversations, especially tough ones. Even if a couple is on a break, Tetenbaum recommends seeking professional help and advice if you have access to it.

4. Check in with each other

Lastly, both experts highly recommended having a check-in with your partner if you're on a relationship break. Pick a time when both of you are available with no interruptions, and take the time to communicate how you're feeling.

"Use assertive communication where you state your feelings, and then ask your partner how they feel," Dr. Phillips suggests. "Do not go into the check-in feeling angry. This will only cause a power struggle and you will not be successful in stating your feelings."

This is a time to truly listen—as well as be heard—by your partner. This will tell you a lot about whether or not the break should end.

When Is It Time to Break Up?

In some cases, relationship breaks give you the opportunity to see what you love about the relationship. But for others, it can also show you what you don't.

If you've been back and forth between a break and reuniting a few times over, you might wonder: When is it time to break up?

"It's time to break up completely when either partner feels unhappy in the relationship and feels there has been no growth during the time apart—or if they realize they are happier without their partner," Tetenbaum explains.

According to Dr. Phillips, if you've taken a break and have gotten back together, but both of your needs are still not being met, it might be time to end it. "Two people in a relationship want to feel heard and seen. And when you are not heard and seen, you have to ask if it's worth it," he says.

"It is also time to break up when one partner does not show up for the other regarding what they agreed they would work on," Dr. Phillips notes. "This only leads to more of a disconnect [and possible] resentment."

It's important to reiterate though that a break does not equal a break-up. Time and space without each other can lead to really meaningful growth and solid, long-term relationships—as long as the love and care for each other is there and prioritized. If it's not, it might be time to end the break with a true break-up.