How Often Do Couples Have Sex? Here's What the Data Says
You've probably heard it a million times and counting: "Comparison is the thief of joy." But that's not likely going to stop you from wondering how often do couples have sex (and how you and your partner measure up). It's natural to be curious about how often do people have sex. But worrying if you're "normal" or the odd one out can kind of feel like you're reverting, TBH. And, the truth is, when it comes to couples' sexual frequency, the answers vary.
Every relationship is different and what feels right and comfortable for one couple, may not work for another. But alas, if it's numbers and stats that you're after, we're here to oblige with firm data from The Knot 2024 Relationship & Intimacy Study. To further unravel the numbers, we also provide some helpful context, along with expert advice from Nadyne Busichio, LPC (a licensed professional counselor).
"Sex is more than the act itself and is primarily about connection," says Busichio, the owner of Turning Point Couples & Individual Counseling in New Jersey. "Although we tend to think about a healthy sex life in terms of frequency, the quality of a healthy sex life cannot be quantified by numbers. What's important is if you are content with the frequency of intimacy in your relationship." With that said and without self-judgment, you may still want to know the answer to this question: How often do couples have sex? And are couples really satisfied with their sex lives? Let's dig into the data.
In this article:
- How Often Do Couples Have Sex?
- How Satisfied Are Couples With Their Sex Lives?
- Does More Sex Make a Relationship Stronger?
- How Often Should Couples Have Sex?
- How to Have More Sex With Your Partner (If That's What You're Both Into)
How Often Do Couples Have Sex?
The Knot 2024 Relationship and Intimacy Study was fielded in Spring 2024 with over 2,000 respondents across a pool of both dating and married couples. After capturing a diverse range of folks, our research team discovered that levels of sex vary across gender, the stage of a relationship, and the actual relationship status itself.
For couples in a serious relationship, 60% replied that they're having sex at least once a week. Kicking up the spice, 38% of those couples said they're having sex multiple times a week.
And for those who thought marriage diminishes the number of times a couple has sex, the data points to a different narrative: The percent of couples having sex once a week or more ended up increasing once couples got married. (However, it's worth noting that the numbers shifted for couples based on the length of time they're married.)
How Satisfied Are Couples With Their Sex Lives?
Let's get to the numbers. We asked couples to rate their fulfillment with their sex lives from one through five, one being less satisfied to five being extremely satisfied. According to our data, 24% of single or dating respondents ranked their sex lives between one and two, replying that they were dissatisfied. On the opposite end of the spectrum, 22% of respondents said they were "very satisfied" or, wink wink, "I don't want anything to change." a total of 45% of couples rated (4 and 5) that they were fulfilled with their sex lives.
Fancy yourself a percentage person? Here's the nitty gritty on how they rated their sex lives. If you're wondering why the numbers don't amount to 100%, it's because 6% of respondents preferred not to answer.
- 15% ranked their sex life satisfaction as a 1 (lowest)
- 9% ranked their sex life satisfaction as a 2
- 25% ranked their sex life satisfaction as a 3
- 23% ranked their sex life satisfaction as a 4
- 22% ranked their sex life satisfaction as a 5 (highest)
TL;DR? No, not everyone is satisfied with their sex lives, but close to half of couples seem to be pleased, if not very satisfied. If this isn't you, we wanted to mention again that it doesn't benefit anyone, especially your partner, to compare yourself to the data. (We know, we know—it's easier said than done.) But, if it helps, more frequent sex isn't necessarily indicative of a healthier, happier relationship and we dive into that below.
Does More Sex Make a Relationship Stronger?
According to experts, having more sex doesn't necessarily strengthen a couple's bond or increase intimacy. (Surprising, right?) This aligns with a 2015 Carnegie Mellon study published in the Journal of Economic Behavior & Organization, where couples were instructed to increase their sexual frequency—however, the couples' happiness actually decreased as a result. "We find that increased frequency does not lead to increased happiness, perhaps because it leads to a decline in wanting for, and enjoyment of, sex," reported researchers.
So where's the sweet spot? Wherever you and your partner deem it to be–as long as you communicate about it. "Research shows the most essential part of cultivating a healthy sex life is talking about a healthy sex life," says Busichio, who's also a Level 3 Gottman Therapist. "According to Dr. Gottman, only 9% of couples who can't comfortably talk with one another about sex say they are satisfied sexually."
Busichio says that the Gottmans created "love maps" to chart sexuality between partners. "This is a way for you to learn more about your partner's desires, preferences, etc. If you haven't done this before you can start with a simple question like this:
There is an old saying that some partners want sex to feel close, but others only want sex when they already feel close. Does that fit us in any way? Do you think that's true? Is it true of us? Is that a problem? If so, how can we make that better?" says Busicio. "By working on cultivating connection and emotional safety, you will increase the quality of sex in your relationship."
According to our study results, there are some strategies couples commonly employ to nurture intimacy within a relationship. The top choice, and couples were able to select more than one option, was physical affection with 76% of all single or dating respondents saying hugs, kisses and cuddling were all important, followed by spending quality time together, whether it be on date nights or vacations (72%). Nearly two out every three couples said regular communication and the sharing of feelings was important for nurturing intimacy (64%), while three out of five couples said trying new experiences together helped them deepen their bond (60%). Couples also replied that shared interests or hobbies (57%) and expressing appreciation and gratitude (56%) also helped form more intimacy.
How Often Should Couples Have Sex?
First of all, let's eliminate the word "should" from this particular lexicon. That is ultimately up to you and your partner. "A contributing factor I see in my practice that impacts the frequency a couple is having sex is unresolved anger or resentment in the relationship," says Busichio. "This often causes the couple to feel distant from one another. We know from the research by the Gottman's that unhappy couples no longer turn towards each other, and are more defensive and critical. With that occurring, sex in the relationship will suffer because the bedroom is where we are at our most vulnerable. Women need emotional safety to feel connected in the relationship. When we do not feel connected, the desire diminishes."
So don't get too hung up on those "How many times a week do couples have sex?" -type questions we know you've been Googling. Instead, ask yourself and your partner if you're satisfied with your relationship and whether you have unresolved issues to address. Then focus on building intimacy (again, it isn't solely about sex) and your sexual frequency—and take things from there.
How to Have More Sex With Your Partner (If That's What You're Both Into)
Simply put: talk about it. "In my practice, I tend to see many couples who are not having conversations about sex. Aside from sex still being taboo, it is typically due to a larger problem which is a lack of safety and intimacy," says Busichio. "Sex involves vulnerability and open communication. For this to be effective, both partners need to feel secure in expressing their insecurities, needs, and desires. This sense of safety is fostered by turning toward each other, actively listening, accepting bids for connection, and showing appreciation."
Below, Busicio outlines some additional steps for couples to take… so that having more sex with your partner is just one of the many benefits in your relationship.
- Don't take them by surprise: It can be difficult enough to talk about sex. You want to make sure you both are ready and able to have this discussion. Carve out a time when you will be distraction-free, fully present, and ready for the discussion. Agree to a time to sit down together and be committed to showing up for the discussion.
- Begin with appreciation: Typically, couples want to go into these conversations with the intent to get everything off their chest. However, start by telling each other what you appreciate. This will create safety, closeness, and connection before entering into an already difficult conversation. When talking about sex it's important to remember not to criticize, which can set your partner up to become defensive. Frustration and hurt feelings will be sure to follow and the conversation will not be productive. Say something to the effect of, "I felt so connected to you when we had sex last week. I want more of that." Many of us already feel embarrassed and struggle to talk about sex. Being critical will only heighten these insecurities. Sharing your positive needs instead will open up the conversation.
- Be vulnerable: It may be difficult to talk about sex due to the messages many receive while growing up, either experiencing shame or trauma related to the topic. Talking about our needs and desires may be difficult. Start by having conversations about your feelings around sex and the messages you received. This will foster trust in the relationship and enhance your feelings of safety with each other. This will also create connection and safety, which will make it more comfortable to discuss what you like and what you dislike. Remember you're on the same team.
Both in and out of bed.
–Esther Lee contributed to the reporting of this article.