What to Know About Breadcrumbing (AKA Ghosting's Younger Cousin)

Picture this: You really like someone and all seems to be going well, but then they begin giving you just enough to hold on to. You may still not be super clear about where the relationship is going (or if it's even going anywhere). This, my friends, is called breadcrumbing.

In the olden days, it would have been called 'giving false hope' or 'stringing someone along.' If you're a How I Met Your Mother fan, you may know breadcrumbing as being kept 'on the hook,' to be reeled in whenever is convenient.

But what is breadcrumbing and how does it show up in relationships? What are the signs? And why do people breadcrumb in the first place? We spoke to Dr. Gary W. Lewandowski Jr., a professor of psychology at Monmouth University, to get the lowdown on how crummy breadcrumbing can actually be, below.

In this article:

• What Is Breadcrumbing?
• Why Do People Breadcrumb in Relationships?
• 5 Signs of Breadcrumbing
• How to Respond to Breadcrumbing
• What to Do If You Might Be Breadcrumbing Someone

What Is Breadcrumbing?

By definition, breadcrumbing is the act of leading someone on. But according to a recent study, it happens a lot more than you might think: 56% of participants reported being breadcrumbed or initiating breadcrumbing themselves at some point.

"Often used in the context of online dating or dating apps, breadcrumbing involves showing interest through flirty or romantic messages, daily check-ins or periodically more meaningful exchanges," Dr. Lewandowski tells The Knot. "However, the contact is sporadic and lacks any real intention of committing to a real relationship. The goal is keeping someone interested, without any clear plan or intention of it becoming a full-fledged relationship."

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Why Do People Breadcrumb in Relationships?

Why do people breadcrumb in the first place? Explanations will vary of course, but according to Dr. Lewandowski, folks primarily breadcrumb to keep their options open.

"Daters will do this to someone when they believe they are already dating someone better, but want to have a fallback plan," he explains. "Other reasons are that people are bored, lonely or don't know how to end a relationship."

But the tldr; of it is this: When a person decides to breadcrumb someone, it's because it's a simple and often effective manipulation tactic, especially with anxiously attached partners. Those who breadcrumb keep people around "just in case" with inconsistent attention, explains Lewandowski.

5 Signs of Breadcrumbing

The act of breadcrumbing can be spotted if you know what you're looking for. Below, learn the most common signs of breadcrumbing.

1. Sporadic and unpredictable communication

Do you feel like the person you're dating isn't communicating with you on a consistent, regular basis? Do you go from little to no communication, and then a flurry of texts? You might be dealing with narcissistic breadcrumbing.

2. Keeps interactions superficial

If your interactions never go deeper than talking about the weather—or hooking up—breadcrumbing could be at play.

3. They make plans, but constantly fall through

Constantly making plans for Friday night only to cancel last minute? They might be keeping their options open—which you don't deserve.

4. Sending mixed signals

Sometimes someone seems really into you, but other times seem indifferent. This is a sure sign of emotional breadcrumbs.

5. An unwillingness to be emotionally vulnerable

Listen, you don't have to go all in with emotions right away. But if it's been a while and your love interest still won't be in a vulnerable space with you, it could be a sign of breadcrumbing.

How to Respond to Breadcrumbing

If you suspect that you are being put through the wringer via breadcrumbing, you naturally may be wondering how to respond to breadcrumbing. Well, we've got you.

First, start by acknowledging that what has been happening is wrong. Think about how you'd treat someone if you really liked them, and call out what the breadcrumber is not doing. "The painful part of breadcrumbing is hoping it will turn into something more," explains Dr. Lewandowski. "Think of the situation from your own perspective. If you really liked someone, you would probably contact them a lot more, be more open, share more [and] you'd be more vulnerable."

"[These] are all things the breadcrumber isn't doing. So why would they be so sporadic? Because it's not a priority," Dr. Lewandowski says. "Though this realization is difficult, it's better to have short-term pain than long-term turmoil."

If you feel like you're being breadcrumbed, he adds, it's important to have a conversation where you establish boundaries. Make it clear what you need from this going forward. Be willing to walk away. And most importantly, know that this isn't the kind of relationship you want or deserve. You can and will find something much better and you walking away is their loss.

What to Do If You Might Be Breadcrumbing Someone

On the other hand, you might be the one who is breadcrumbing in dating. If this is you, pay attention: "See your behavior for what it is—emotional manipulation," Dr. Lewandowski says. "Also realize that this is not a harmless or victimless pattern. Breadcrumbing often hurts the other person's emotional well-being and wastes their time."

Step back and try to figure out why exactly you're doing this. What motivates the need for having these extra options and attention? Is it a fear of abandonment? Of being single? Or, are you simply not clear about what kind of partner you really want? If that's the case, spend time identifying your deal-makers (what you really want in a partner) and dealbreakers (what you want to avoid), so you can better dedicate your time to actually viable partners.