How Learning Your Attachment Style in a Romantic Relationship Can Improve Your Partnership

Surprise, surprise: Everyone has an attachment style in romantic relationships. That's right—so whether you're in a healthy relationship, one that requires quite a bit of conflict resolution or you find you're pretty independent in a relationship, it all comes down to one of the styles you have learned (or even inherited.) "Attachment influences how we interact with the world and perceive ourselves and others," Thomas Westenholz, a couples therapist specializing in attachment styles tells The Knot.

Do you know your attachment style? It turns out that knowing which of the attachment styles in relationships you are can really benefit both you and your lover. It can improve communication, help provide reassurance and build trust. But what are the attachment styles? How can they truly help you? Are there styles that are better or worse than others? To answer all of your burning questions, we've recruited the expertise and insight of Westenholz to break it all down below.

In this article:

• What Is an Attachment Style?
• Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships
• How Attachment Styles Can Improve Relationships

What Is an Attachment Style?

For starters, what are the attachment styles in relationships? According to Westenhoz, attachment styles are simply adaptive strategies that humans use to help us survive and function in our environment. That includes family dynamics, climbing up the career ladders, life in general and, yep you guessed it, romantic relationships.

And these attachment styles—anxious, avoidant, secure and, maybe less known, disorganized—start to develop in every single one of us at a very young age. "Suppose someone had parents who ignored their distress and never responded to them; their nervous system would become overwhelmed, as a young child can't regulate their emotions," Westenholz explains, "And so to calm down, that child would have to shut down their emotions and become self-reliant."

That, in itself, is an example of a specific attachment style. Don't worry, like we said, everyone has an attachment style. If you can understand yours and your partner's, you can set yourself up for relationship success.

Attachment Styles in Romantic Relationships

Attachment styles can show up anywhere and everywhere. But especially in romantic relationships. To know which one you are, first you must understand what each is. Chances are, you might see yourself in one of the different attachment styles in romantic relationships, below.

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment style in relationships? This is usually in someone who has grown up with responsive (and healthy!) surroundings. "They had parents who supported them when they felt overwhelmed or in distress. They had people who respected their boundaries and listened and acknowledged their emotions and experience, so they learned that the world is a safe place, and we don't have to please people or avoid them," Westenholz says.

For folks who have a secure attachment style in romantic relationships, they tend to find expressing their needs and boundaries easy, and can regulate their emotions better, meaning bad relationships or conflict are way less likely. Overall, the securely attached have positive views of themselves and expect positive responses from the world around them, which makes romance all the easier, fun and fulfilling.

Anxious Attachment

If secure isn't you, that's okay too. You might also have an anxious attachment style in relationships—and it's not bad or worse—but it is something to acknowledge and work through. Many anxious people tend to please and chase for connection. For folks who are anxious, their attachment in their love lives tends to include them ignoring their own needs, in an attempt to please their partner.

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"They [anxious attached people] learned this as a survival strategy as children, too," Westenholz says. "And they get exhausted and often build internal resentment that is not expressed, as resentment is a natural consequence of unmet needs."

Avoidant Attachment

Maybe you're not anxious, but the opposite: an avoidant attachment style in relationships. "As the name suggests, the avoidant tends to avoid," Westenholz explains, "Either they bounce from relationship to relationship or find ways not to get too close, or if they are in long-term relationships, they tend to stay emotionally distant and focus on logic and fixing things." If you're avoidant, you often miss the emotional cues your anxious partner (or any partner) sends, making you and them feel alone and out of the loop.

Disorganized Attachment

Last, but not least, we have the disorganized attachment style in relationships. "Disorganised people struggle to maintain relationships; when they do, they tend to be rocky," Westenholz says. They often are very intense and like extreme bonding in the beginning, he adds, only to panic, go cold and push people away when they come close.

How Attachment Styles Can Improve Relationships

Do any of these attachment styles sound familiar to you? If so, you're not alone. Everyone has one. "Understanding your attachment style can benefit you and change your life," Westenholz says. "It can help you understand your default behaviours and how you make sense of the world, allowing you to choose a new way to engage. Luckily, no matter your attachment style, they can help improve your relationships, even if it doesn't seem that way right off the bat.

Understanding your attachment style can help you know what you need from a partner.

First, knowing your attachment style can truly help you understand yourself and your needs. What makes you tick? What would feel best in a partnership? How can you move forward and create the healthiest relationships you can? That all starts with knowing your attachment style.

It can help you unlearn past patterns you don't want to repeat.

Learning your attachment style in romantic relationships can also help you unlearn (and build new) patterns! "It can create a new experience between partners where they can express their needs and boundaries in a safe environment for the first time and get a positive response," Westenholz says.

It can improve your mental health.

If you have an avoidant or anxious attachment style, knowing more about how and why you think and feel the way you do in relationships can truly improve your mental health. It simply starts with knowing yourself more so that you can thrive in and out of your relationship.

It can help avoid misunderstandings.

Maybe your partner is avoidant, and when you want to communicate with them, they shut down, leaving you wondering, "What did I do?" Or maybe you're more anxiously attached and feel like you never understand your secure partner. Knowing both of your attachment styles can help you avoid misunderstandings, get to know each other better and communicate more effectively.

Learning your attachment styles can make your relationship more successful in the long term.

If you're looking for longevity in your partnership, then learning your attachment styles is key! After all, it will make every aspect of your life together even easier when you can express and be loved in the ways that best suit both of you.