15 Funny Marriage Quotes to Steal for Your Wedding Day Toast
So, you've been tapped to write a funny wedding toast… and now you're left wondering, so how exactly do I write a funny wedding toast? If there's a blinking cursor staring back at you from a blank Google doc, believe us, we feel you. Luckily, there's tons of giggle-worthy inspiration out there from all of our favorite books, movies and public figures to help spark your speech and get wedding guests laughing all the way back to table 37. Whether you start with one of these funny wedding toast quotes, end with one, or work one into the middle of your toast as a punchline, these are the building blocks to a legendary, laugh-packed wedding reception, rehearsal dinner or engagement party moment.
Funny Wedding Toast Ideas for the Maid of Honor, Best Man, or Best Friend's Speech
"May we never forget
what is worth remembering
what is best forgotten."
Leave it to longtime friends, bridesmaids, and groomsmen to kick up the laugh factor at the wedding by slyly referencing our cringiest, most embarrassing, drunkest moments without actually revealing the tea to the entire reception. This quote sums up the "always leave 'em wantin' more" tactic of toast-giving to a tee!
"[Partner one] stole [Partner two's] heart,
so [Partner two] stole [Partner one's] last name.
All in all, I would say that things worked out quite nicely,
considering neither of them ended up in prison..."
Playing with the platitudes of wedding speeches is always a good idea to get the crowd giggling—and no one can pull off this level of snark and still come off charming quite like a best pal!
"One more time, I'm going to ask everyone
to charge their glasses and
– for those who still can – stand,
raise a glass to the newlyweds."
A gentle jab at anyone who's visited the open bar a few too many times (especially if the speaker themselves is a little tipsy) will establish a sense of camaraderie among guests, and is the perfect way to tie up a toast from a speaker who has done their fair share of partying with the happy couple!
"[Newlywed 1] and [Newlywed 2],
before I finish, I'd like you to turn to face each other.
You're now looking into the eyes of the person
who is statistically most likely to murder you.
To the happy couple!"
OK, so not everyone could get away with making a murder joke during a wedding speech (like, probably not the best choice for the mother of the bride). But your sassy maid of honor, cheeky best man, or part-time-comedian best friend in the wedding party could totally pull it off. And, hey, stats are stats!
Funny Wedding Toast Ideas for the Mother of the Bride or Groom or Father of the Bride or Groom's Speech
"A good marriage is one where each partner
secretly suspects they got the better deal.
That's unfortunate for these two!"
All in good fun, of course, this joke is perfect for parents of the newlyweds who love to tease their kids about being knuckleheads (but would totally slug anyone else who dared say a negative word about them!).
"I have one final piece of advice for you two lovebirds:
never stop laughing, even when the jokes are lame."
Perfect for that "king of the dad jokes" father of the bride or groom, who's probably delivered his fair share of lame jokes throughout his own marriage, this joke has a sweet takeaway (which is, of course, that jokes are always funny when they come from your husband or wife!).
"The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret."
- Henny Youngman
When delivered by the father or mother of the bride or groom and paired with a subtle raise of the champagne glass toward their own partner out in the reception crowd, this zinger will elicit a knowing giggle from all the marrieds and longtime couples in attendance. And beneath the humor, it carries a bit of truth: No one's marriage is always happy, but the good ones are always worth it.
"I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life."
- Rita Rudner
Ah, this classic quote. It's as funny as it is true, and it's a sweet joke coming from a parent who spent, at minimum, 18 years getting annoyed by the bride or groom before passing that torch on to their future in-law.
"The best way to get most husbands to do something
is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it."
- Anne Bancroft
The subset of husband-jabs-delivered-by-wives jokes is always a crowd pleaser (sorry, husbands), but of course this joke could be re-gendered to work for any couple. The speaker could even customize the word "old" to make more sense for the couple (bad with technology would be a funny substitute!).
"Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park."
Marriage ain't easy, but that doesn't mean it's not funny. While everyone at the wedding reception of course will only expect the happiest of marriages for the couple of honor, it is kind of laugh-worthy to play up the spats and squabbles that lie ahead for them. And no one's more of an authority on that than mom and dad!
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes.
There's too much fraternizing with the enemy."
– Henry Kissinger
There's no one better to get smart marriage advice from than the parents of the happy couple. This legendary quote will get some laughs for sure, but it also serves as some pretty wise words to live by as the marriage evolves—in short, always remember, you're both on the same side.
Funny Wedding Toast Ideas for the Happy Couple's Speech
"To our best friends,
who know the most about us,
but refuse to believe it."
If you and your partner share a friend group, this zingy quote is the perfect addition to your thank-you speech at your reception. After all, those friends of yours sure have put up with a lot during your relationship journey with your partner, and they've seen you both at your best and your worst—and your funniest, of course. But above all else, they've supported you and helped take you to this seminal moment. And that deserves a toast!
"May our children be blessed with rich parents!"
Who can relate? In all seriousness, the joke here is that, when this speech is delivered either at the reception or even during your wedding vows, overlooking a sea of adoring family and friends, surrounded by amazing food, unlimited wine and even more love, everyone will realize: you guys already are rich! Of course, winning the lottery before your first anniversary wouldn't hurt.
"Here's to you and here's to me,
I hope we never disagree,
But if, perchance, we ever do,
Then here's to me, to hell with you."
It's funny… because it's true. Sometimes. Every person in a long-term relationship will snicker at this quote, because, even though weddings are sweet, all-love affairs, arguments happen! But hey, chances are, when that first post-nuptial argument does happen, you'll remember this quote from your big day, and hopefully laugh!
"Before you marry a person,
you should first make them use a computer with slow internet
to see who they really are."
– Will Ferrell
A perfect intro to a toast from a bride or groom about how their partners have been with them through thick and thin (not to mention great preparation for that overwater honeymoon bungalow in Tahiti with terrible wifi), this hilarious quote from funnyman Will Ferrell would also work well in a best man speech or maid of honor speech.