46 Funny Wedding Toasts That'll Leave Everyone in Tears

Solid jokes for a mini stand-up routine.

Bride and groom laughing during wedding toast

Photo: UNIQUE LAPIN Photography

Updated Sep 30, 2025

If you think you're the funniest person you know but can't put that humor on paper, you might be worried about writing your funny wedding toast. But don't let that blinking cursor on a blank page intimidate you. Anyone who gives wedding speeches needs a little bit of help sometimes, whether it's giggle-worthy inspo from books, movies or public figures to help add pizzazz to your wedding speech. Whether you start or end with one of these funny wedding toast quotes, these wedding speech ideas are the building blocks to a legendary, laugh-packed wedding reception, rehearsal dinner or engagement party moment.

How to Write a Funny Wedding Toast

A funny wedding toast works best when it's lighthearted, personal, and warm—something that gets laughs without embarrassing the couple or alienating guests. But sometimes that's easier said than done. Here are some tips on how to write a wedding speech.

1. Start with a friendly introduction

Begin your toast by greeting the guests and expressing how honored you feel to be part of the day. Introduce yourself, share your connection to the couple and include any quick relevant details, like how long you've known them or where you traveled from. Don't worry about being funny right away; the introduction of a witty wedding speech is all about setting a welcoming tone.

2. Tell a short, funny story

Stories bring your toast to life and give the audience something to picture. Choose a moment that reflects the couple's relationship or your connection to them in a humorous light. Keep it short—three to five sentences is usually plenty to land the joke. The goal isn't to roast the couple, but to highlight something endearing and relatable. For extra help on how to make your toast personal, wedding writing tool Provenance has a toast builder with questions and prompts that'll help you create a dynamic first draft. Use exclusive code THEKNOT10 for 10% off.

3. Use gentle humor

The best hilarious wedding speeches are light and inclusive, not mean-spirited. Aim for jokes that everyone in the room can laugh at, from grandparents to college friends. Steer clear of anything overly embarrassing, crass or inside-jokey that might alienate the audience. A playful comment about how the couple met, or a humorous observation about their shared quirks, goes a long way in short, funny wedding toasts.

4. Finish on a heartfelt note

While you can definitely still sneak in a joke for your funny wedding toast ending, you should wrap up your speech with a message from the heart. (After all, the point of a toast isn't just to get laughs—it's to honor the couple and celebrate their love.) Raise your glass and say something genuine about their future together. It could be a toast to the wedding ceremony, a blessing for a happy marriage, a compliment to their relationship or even a lighthearted wish that they'll never fight over laundry. Pro tip: If you know the wedding speech order, tee up the person speaking after you.

Funny Maid of Honor Speeches

Funny wedding toast quote for maid of honor

Need some help with your funny maid of honor wedding toast? Whether you're writing a wedding speech for your sister or bestie, these funny toast to the bride ideas should get the guffaws going. Get inspired by the funny bridesmaid speeches below. (Here's a maid of honor toast tip for you: It's okay for your funny toast for a wedding to center the bride, but don't forget to shout out her spouse!)

Funny wedding toast for a sister

1."May your marriage be so solid it could last through being on a Bravo reality TV show." –Anonymous

2. "Raise a glass to the happy couple. May your marriage be as strong as the drinks in your hand. Cheers!" –Anonymous

3. "[Name of newlywed one] and [Name of newlywed two], before I finish, I'd like you to turn to face each other. You're now looking into the eyes of the person who's statistically most likely to murder you. To the happy couple!" –Anonymous

Marriage speech jokes

4. "I would like to reintroduce the most important people here tonight. We know them, we love them and it's probably why we're all here…the bartenders." –Anonymous

5. "[Name of newlywed one] stole [Name of newlywed two]'s heart, so [Partner two] stole [Partner one's] last name. All in all, I would say that things worked out quite nicely, considering neither of them ended up in prison..." –Anonymous

6. "They say love is blind… but marriage is a real eye-opener!" –Anonymous

7. "So finally, a toast to the happy couple. Thank you for buying us all dinner today, so kind of you." –Anonymous

Funny Best Man Speeches

If you're the groom's right-hand man, get ready to say a few words and spark a few laughs with your best man speech. Here are some lines to include in your wedding speech for your brother, best friend or family member.

Funny wedding toast for brother

8. "Well, looks like the newlyweds couldn't find anyone else to give a speech, so they asked me." –Anonymous

9. "The couple asked that I don't share any embarrassing stories today... so that's it for me! Cheers to the newlyweds!" –Anonymous

10. "Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy." –Anonymous

11. "If at first you don't succeed...try doing it the way your wife told you." –Anonymous

Humorous toasts for a wedding

12. "A good marriage is one where each partner secretly suspects they got the better deal. That's unfortunate for these two!" –Anonymous

13. "Marriage is like a walk in the park… Jurassic Park." –Anonymous

14. "Now let's toast to the two secrets to a happy marriage. Humour and short-term memory." –Anonymous

15. "Never laugh at your spouse's choices. Remember: they also chose you. Cheers!" –Anonymous

Funny Wedding Toast One-Liners

Funny wedding toast one-liner Forrest Gump quote

A quick zinger, said in the middle of a serious or sentimental speech, is a surefire way to make a hilarious wedding toast. It'll throw guests off in a good and hysterical way—just remember to slow down and enunciate so no one misses it. Get some funny wedding toast ideas from the pop culture examples below.

Funny toasts from movies

16. "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is." –Forrest Gump (1994)

17. "I love you. That's why I make you miserable." –Real Women Have Curves (2002)

18. "I love you even when you're sick and look disgusting." –Love Actually (2003)

19. "Marriage is like a tense, unfunny, version of 'Everybody Loves Raymond,' only it doesn't last 22 minutes. It lasts forever." –Knocked Up (2007)

20. "Honestly, if you're not willing to sound stupid, you don't deserve to be in love." –A Lot Like Love (2005)

Funny wedding toast songs

21. "Can I be the man you're looking for? / Can I be your girl forever more? / I'll try real hard not to lose her / I'll try to be less of a loser" –"F*ck You," by Garfunkel & Oates

22. "I can make you angry, you can make me smile / We can make origami with the kids for a while / You turn me on to the idea of growing old" –"The Idea of Growing Old," by The Features

23. "Remember back when we had problems? Oh man, that was annoying! / But now our love has magically solved them / And there won't be any more in our future at all" –"We'll Never Have Problems Again," by Crazy Ex-Girlfriend Cast

24. "I'd buy you Rogaine / When you start losing all your hair / Sew on patches / To all you tear" –"The Way I Am," by Ingrid Michaelson

25. "Now when arrows don't penetrate, see (cupid grabs the pistol) / Uh, yeah, now, now lookie here / He shoots straight for your heart / Now, and he won't miss you" –"Happy Valentine's Day," by OutKast

26. "Here is the church and here is the steeple / We sure are cute for two ugly people / I don't see what anyone can see in anyone else / But you" –"Anyone Else But You," by The Moldy Peaches

27. "Here is a heart / I made it for you so take it / Battered and braised / Grilled and sauteed / Just how you like it" –"Here Is a Heart," by Jenny Owen Youngs

Funny wedding toast poems

28. "Here's to you and here's to me / I hope we never disagree / But if, perchance, we ever do / Then here's to me, to hell with you." –Anonymous

29. "To keep your marriage brimming / With love in the loving cup / Whenever you're wrong, admit it; / Whenever you're right, shut up." –"A Word to Husbands" by Ogden Nash (American poet)

30. "No teacher, preacher, parent, friend / Or wise man can decide / What's right for you—just listen to / The voice that speaks inside." –"The Voice" by Shel Silverstein (American poet and cartoonist)

Short and Funny Wedding Toasts

Short and funny wedding toast quote example

A wedding ceremony isn't complete without speeches from the parents. (Typically, the speech from the father of the bride kicks off the parents' toasts.) If there isn't enough time to have both a speech from the father of the groom and a toast from the mother of the groom, the parents (on either side) can give a joint one.

Occasionally, the happy couple will also make their own newlywed toast, thanking everyone for being there and giving special people (their parents, wedding planner, wedding party, etc.) a shout-out. Whether it's a speech from the mother of the bride, a dad wishing their child well or words from the happy couple, these short and funny jokes will get the crowd going (in the best way).

Witty wedding speeches from the couple

31. "May our children be blessed with rich parents!" –Anonymous

32. "I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always." –Anonymous

33. "To our best friends, who know the most about us, but refuse to believe it." –Anonymous

34. "May we never forget what's worth remembering or remember what's best forgotten." –Anonymous

Clever wedding toasts from the parents

35. "May you both live as long as you want, and never want as long as you live." –Anonymous

36. "May the roof above you never fall in and may you both never fall out." –Anonymous

37. "I'm going to ask everyone to take their glasses–and for those who still can–stand and raise a glass to the newlyweds." –Anonymous

Funny Wedding Toast Closing Lines

Funny wedding toast closing line example

Send guests off with something memorable at the end of your funny wedding toast. Be prepared for lots of high-fives and congratulatory pats on the back.

Funny marriage advice for a wedding toast

38. "I have one final piece of advice for you two lovebirds: never stop laughing, even when the jokes are horrible." –Anonymous

39. "The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it." –Anne Bancroft (American actress)

40. "Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow internet to see who they really are." –Will Ferrell (American actor and comedian)

Funny wedding toast quotes

41. "I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life." –Rita Rudner (American comedian)

42. "True love is singing karaoke 'Under Pressure' and letting the other person sing the Freddie Mercury part." –Mindy Kaling (American actress and comedian)

43. "Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy." –Henry Kissinger (Former United States Secretary of State)

44. "All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt." –Charles M. Schulz (American cartoonist)

45. "The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." –Henny Youngman (British-American comedian)

46. "If I didn't do this well, I just wouldn't have anything to do…I can't cook, and I'd be a terrible housewife." –Freddie Mercury (British singer and songwriter)

How to Keep a Funny Wedding Speech Classy

Giving a funny wedding speech is all about balance—you want to make people laugh, but you also don't want to cross any lines. The best toasts get chuckles without leaving the couple (or their families) cringing in their seats. To keep your humor classy and your moment at the mic memorable for the right reasons, here are a few things you'll definitely want to avoid.

Skip the inside jokes

If only a handful of people will get it, leave it out. Long, rambling stories or hyper-specific references lose the room fast. Keep your humor broad enough that everyone—from the couple's coworkers to their grandparents—can enjoy it.

Keep it clean

Leave the raunchy or R-rated humor at home. Crude jokes and vulgar language don't land well in a family setting. Keep it clean and fun so nobody squirms in their seat.

Steer clear of ex talk

Bringing up past relationships is an instant mood-killer. Even if you think it's funny, it's uncomfortable for the couple and awkward for the guests.

Don't roast the couple

A little playful teasing is fine, but remember, your toast isn't a roast. Avoid embarrassing stories or super-personal details in your funny marriage toast that could make the couple feel uncomfortable. The goal is to get everyone laughing with them, not at them.

Stay positive

Wedding jokes that make marriage sound miserable or poke fun at in-laws, commitment or "the old ball and chain" fall flat. Instead, keep the energy positive and celebratory.