Should Couples Be Discussing Marriage Before The Proposal?
Unlike what the phrase "popping the question" suggests, proposing to your partner doesn't just pop up out of nowhere. Instead, it comes after tons of plotting and intention setting. And maybe your lover is in on the plan, too. After all, engagements often start with discussing marriage before the proposal.
"Talking about marriage before the proposal is an excellent idea," licensed marriage and family therapist Caleb Birkhoff says. "Though engagements, weddings and marriages are steeped in wonderful tradition this is a great place to break the mold."
Should you talk about marriage before proposing? This is one marriage tradition you would benefit from breaking. To learn how to talk about marriage before proposing, we've recruited Birkhoff's expertise to give you the lowdown on talking about marriage, below.
In this article:
- Should You Talk About Marriage Before Proposing?
- Things to Talk About Before Getting Engaged
- How to Bring Up Engagement With Your Partner
Should You Talk About Marriage Before Proposing?
If you're questioning things to talk about before getting engaged, the topic is marriage is high on the list. According to The Knot 2024 Relationship and Intimacy Study, 47 percent of folks in a serious relationship agreed, having reported discussing marriage prior and even going engagement ring shopping together.
The talk about marriage doesn't take away the magic of a proposal, either. Birkhoff adds you can still practice the time-honored tradition of it being a surprise with a romantic proposal idea. Plus, discussing marriage before the proposal will only add to the experience, by allowing you to align on feelings, expectations and visions for the future. Think about it: You'll be fostering communication, trust and clarity from the start. What better way to start your life with someone?
Things to Talk About Before Getting Engaged
You might assume that the things to talk about before marriage are all on the serious side. But here's a heads up: It doesn't have to be! "Talking about marriage will likely lead to some topics of significance, but it doesn't have to be all serious," Birkhoff explains. "You can make these conversations fun and exciting, building anticipation for your future together. It's a wonderful opportunity to lean into some of the whimsy of engagement and marriage." For example, you may want to talk about:
- Your dream proposal
- The ring you've always wanted
- The wedding vision
- Where you see yourselves living
- Reflecting on meaningful moments in your relationship
- The timeline of your future together
- The biggest wedding attire icks you have
- Your favorite kind of wedding cake
- What song you want to walk down the aisle to
No matter what you choose to discuss, try approaching the talk about marriage before proposing with a lot of fun and excitement for what's to come.
How to Bring Up Engagement With Your Partner
In our recent intimacy study, 74 percent of married folks said that they knew their relationship was ready for marriage when they actually took the time to discuss it. Ready to get down on one knee? Maybe you're the partner waiting for the question to arise. Either way, talking about marriage before the proposal can only be a good sign—so here are some ways to get to talking.
If you're the one proposing
If you're proposing, it's helpful to start by casually feeling out where your partner stands. But knowing how to talk about marriage proposals can feel like a real challenge. We recommend trying to use "what if" questions to bridge the gap. You could say something like: "If we were to get married, where would you want to do it?" Or reference a married couple you both admire and ask, "What do you like about their marriage?" This can keep things light and fun while letting them know you're interested in taking a serious next step with them.
If you want your partner to propose to you
On the opposite end, if you want to be proposed to, we recommend dropping hints like pointing out rings or saying, "When we get married…" If subtle hints aren't enough, try being direct but playful: "I'm excited about us being engaged one day—what do you think?" Above all, make sure your approach is one you'd take normally.
"Default to the way you usually talk about the big topics. If your relationship has humor and playfulness at its core, it might be appropriate to use it to soften the beginning of the topic," Birkhoff suggests. "You might be in a relationship that thrives in directness; sit down and have a frank conversation." Trust us, whether you want to propose or be proposed to, having these early marriage conversations before anything happens—in a supportive and non-pressured way—can help both you and your partner feel more confident, aligned and in love when the time comes for a proposal.