How Important Is Sexual Compatibility? Here's What Real Couples Said
It's totally normal to wonder where you and your partner rank on the sexual compatibility scale. (I mean, is there even such a scale to begin with?). It's so common in fact, that it's one of the leaders of the pack when it comes to a couples' relationship priority list. According to our official data from The Knot 2023 Jewelry and Engagement Study*, today's couples test sexual compatibility with their partner prior to getting engaged.
But how exactly does sexual compatibility play into that? What is sexual compatibility? And what can a couple do about not being sexually compatible? We dive in below.
Meet the Expert
Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, LCSW, CSE, is the owner of the therapy practice Healing Exchange. A licensed therapist, Smith-Fiallo specializes in relationships, sex and trauma therapy.
In this article:
- What Is Sexual Compatibility?
- How Important Is Sexual Compatibility?
- How to Know if You're Sexually Compatible
- How to Overcome Sexual Incompatibility
What Is Sexual Compatibility?
Sexual compatibility is when you and your partner have a shared understanding of your sexual needs and desires. But listen up: According to Rafaella Smith-Fiallo, LCSW, CSE, sexual compatibility is more about communication than having sexual preferences in common. She says, "It could be related to, 'Oh, these are my turn-ons', 'I desire sex this many times a week', or 'These are the types of positions I like'—all these things that make up the sexual experience."
Ultimately, sexual compatibility can be measured by how well you and your partner balance and fulfill your individual sexual needs. The more that these things are complemented, met, discussed and compromised on can affect (and increase) a couple's sexual compatibility.
How Important Is Sexual Compatibility?
The importance of sexual compatibility is weighted differently for everyone. Worthy of note: After surveying married couples in The Knot 2023 Jewelry and Engagement Study*, sex and sexual compatibility seem to be a priority to most.
According to The Knot 2023 Jewelry and Engagement Study*, regardless of age, or sexual orientation, 4 in 5 couples were intimate with one another prior to getting engaged.
But, once more, just how important sexual compatibility is comes down to each relationship. Being aligned on not having sex until marriage can also be a form of sexual compatibility.
How to Know if You're Sexually Compatible
Determining whether you and a partner are sexually compatible can be complex, as well as something that naturally evolves over time.
Below are just a few of the many factors that can play into a couple's sexual compatibility:
- Individual sexual needs and desires being met
- Frequency of sex preferred
- Libido levels (which can be affected by things like health, age and stress levels)
Generally speaking, being aligned on these varying factors—or sharing an open-mindedness regarding compromises when they're misaligned—often points to positive sexual compatibility.
How to Overcome Sexual Incompatibility
Increasingly in her practice, Smith-Fiallo finds that couples who can have honest discussions regarding their sex lives and are willing to make changes and lead with curiosity are often the ones with off-the-charts sexual compatibility. Sharing what is working for you sexually, feeling safe to discuss what's not working and having frequent check-ins are good places to start when attempting to overcome feelings of sexual incompatibility.
On that note, Smith-Fiallo shares the best questions to ask your partner and the types of conversations you should have to increase your sexual compatibility below.
1. How do you like sex to be initiated?
Individuals like sex to be initiated in—you guessed it—a bevy of individual ways. Ask your partner what their preference is. If you're not initiating in a way that makes your partner feel connected, desired or valued, it won't work Smith-Fiallo says. She adds that this question is important to ask in case your partner has experienced sexual trauma.
"I work with people who have experienced trauma," she says. "Someone could touch a body part of yours or you could say something a certain way and that can be triggering."
"And if it's not triggering, sometimes it can just be a turnoff. For example, some people don't like certain types of dirty talk, while others love that."
2. Do we have any sexual preferences that fundamentally don't align?
There are countless consensual and fun sexual acts out there, and you likely have your preferences. Sometimes, when yours are fundamentally different from your partner's, it could affect your sexual compatibility, says Smith-Fiallo.
For instance, if your partner enjoys threesomes but you're sexually and romantically monogamous—and both of you feel fundamentally strongly about these things—you'll likely be at odds. Have a discussion about sexual practices that are a hard no for you and talk about why this is the case, encourages Smith-Fiallo. Also, explore the ideas that your beliefs and feelings are rooted in. Ensure that these ideas truly represent who you are. Or, perhaps, are they inherited beliefs that no longer ring true to you? Honesty with yourself and your partner here is key.
3. What does it mean if one or both of us don't climax?
Some people think orgasms are the hallmark of good sex, but is this always the case? Smith-Fiallo says to ask your partner how they feel when one or both of you don't orgasm. If these things differ, see if you can compromise by finding other ways to find satisfaction outside of orgasm. Smith-Fiallo also explains that taking away the pressure to orgasm every single time you have sex gives both of you the chance to explore new methods of pleasure.
4. What does intimacy mean and look like to you?
Find out what intimacy outside of sex looks like for both you and your lover, says Smith-Fiallo. "What does it mean to be close, to check in with one another, to know about what's going on in each other's day in life?" she asks.
Discuss with your partner what they need to build intimacy: be it quality time, tender forehead kisses, holding hands frequently throughout the day or a simple touch as you pass one another in the kitchen. Creating intimacy beyond sex could improve your sexual compatibility.
5. What are some of your fantasies?
Sexual fantasies have the power to help you feel more sexually fulfilled and closer to your partner as you begin to explore these fantasies together. Smith-Fiallo recommends focusing on the positive aspects of fantasies as opposed to worrying about how they'll negatively impact your relationship.
"They don't necessarily have to be [a fantasy] that you're trying to bring into your own sex life," explains Smith-Fiallo. "It's the fun and the feelings that come with playing with imagination. They're a form of play and we know that play is really good for us."
6. How often do you like to have sex?
Be honest about how often you'd like to have sex and find out how your partner feels about it too. If you have extremely different libidos, this doesn't have to be a dealbreaker. Consider exploring alternatives, suggests Smith-Fiallo.
Also, remember neither a lower or higher sex drive is wrong—it's about empathizing with one another and finding a way to ensure you're both satisfied.
7. How should we talk about sex in the future?
Regular discussions about your sex life are a solid way to ensure you and your partner are on the same page. Smith-Fiallo says you should think about agreeing on a cadence and/certain aspects of your sex life you'd like to check-in about. And set those Google cals for good measure.
With contributions from Elizabeth Ayoola
*The Knot Real Weddings Study captured responses from 9,318 US couples married between January 1 and December 31, 2023; respondents were recruited via email invitation from The Knot and/or WeddingWire membership. Respondents represent couples from all over the country with various ethnicities, income levels, race, age, sexual orientation and gender identity. To provide the most comprehensive view of 2023 trends, this report also includes wedding statistics from ad hoc studies conducted throughout the year. In a typical year, The Knot Worldwide conducts research with more than 300,000 couples, guests and wedding professionals globally.