How to Talk to Your Husband or Partner about Feminism

On March 8, we celebrate International Women's Day to honor the females we know, the ones we don't, and all of those who have paved the road before us. While sending a text to your girlfriends and donating to a worthy cause are excellent ways to pay tribute to the female force, it's also an opportunity to talk about feminism with your husband or partner.

As a licensed psychologist at Relish, Briony Leo explains, gender roles and dynamics affect every single part of our relationships — from the division of labor at home to what each person gets paid and to how you raise your children. If feminism matters to you, it should be something you talk about openly and honestly with the person you're sharing your life with.

"The more someone knows about gender equality, the more aware they will be of their unconscious biases, as well as how their environment growing up has affected how they see roles in a relationship," Leo adds.

So how can you bring up this conversation and effectively share your values and beliefs? Here, a guide from experts on navigating how to talk about feminism with your partner:

Share personal stories and data.

One of the best ways to explain the importance of feminism is to share your own experiences. Particularly with a man who is emotionally connected to you, having a visual of what you've been through, faced and conquered can help him better understand inequality when he witnesses it. When wedding industry educator Amber Anderson first started speaking to her husband about the larger needs and pain points of women as a whole, she took a first-person perspective.

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"Women are often questioned when reporting abuse much after the fact, so I used my own stories to convey why this happens. Stories he knew but didn't quite understand the shock and blackouts that come with them or the fear, the shame and the public opinions that come along with it," she continued. "When he saw the realness of how his own wife had been impacted by something, he softened to the idea that things are far more universal than he understood."

By painting a picture of what they can do with their advantages, it gives men the right talking points, insight and a vision of what the world could be, she adds.

Talk about other partnerships you see together.

When discussing feminism, author and producer Susan Rubin says it's vital to remain in opinion mode and not critical rant mode. In other words: you want to create a safe space for questions and reflections, not stand on a soapbox and preach. One way to bring down the often negative undertone of 'feminism' is to talk about the other partnerships and relationships you witness around you, Rubin says. "If you and your partner witness particularly noxious behavior between a couple you relate to, find a way to talk about it that maybe compares your own dynamic as a couple favorably," she continues. "You don't have to sugar coat; you might be able to find genuine ways that you appreciate your partner for the ways they are different from the behavior you just witnessed in two other people."

Discuss what you want to teach your children or future generations.

If you're considering having children, feminism can help you make choices as parents since you likely want to raise them in a fair environment. Or more to the point: you want your daughters to have the same chance of success and happiness as your sons, don't you? "Some people might hold a dim view of feminism, having heard some stereotypes and one-dimensional stories. But putting this into the context of 'Don't you want your daughter to have every opportunity that you did and to be able to make her own decisions in her life, and be protected by law from discrimination or harassment?' can be transformational," Leo says. "Raising children in a household that is fair and equitable can also help them to have good templates for relationships and can extend beyond the family, making them aware of the importance of fairness and equality outside of the home, and in society in general."

Allow them to be curious.

As you talk about feminism with your spouse or partner, encourage his curiosity. Sometimes, men may feel shame if they have inadvertently been behaving in a sexist or condescending way, which makes them less likely to engage in the conversations, Leo says. Instead of attacking them for mansplaining or manspreading, she encourages women to make space for questions, even if they come across as inappropriate or ignorant at first. "It is helpful to remember that men also have a complicated view of their own masculinity and are likely considering themselves allies of feminism and being well-intentioned, so there may be the knee-jerk reaction of defensiveness or denial," she continues. "Approaching this with curiosity, and trying to understand their world view, is a good way of starting the conversation and generating discussion."

As you answer questions and correct behaviors, try to be as patient as possible. "We're much more likely to take information on board, and integrate knowledge and empathy when we're in a safe and non-judgmental environment, so remember this if you're trying to have a productive conversation with a partner who is acting defensive," she adds.

Seek resources.

Luckily, you aren't on your own to figure out how to talk about feminism, with its vast history and current necessity. There are tons of engaging and eye-opening books, movies, and podcasts that could be beneficial for couples to experience and digest together. "Talking with your partner about what this means to you, and choosing films to watch together that show a lived experience or a time in history, can help open up the conversation and allows people to feel empathy and understanding they might not have otherwise felt," Leo says.

For starters, she recommends films and TV shows including Hidden Figures, Bombshell, Mrs. America, Suffragette, and A League of Their Own. Good podcasts include The Guilty Feminist, Unladylike, She Said and Call Your Girlfriend.