Does Your Parents' Relationship Affect Yours?

Have you ever heard the saying, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree? Well, usually, the idea that you resemble your parents does ring true. But does your parents' relationship affect yours? Chances are, whether you're in a healthy relationship, lining up relationship red flags or you're not the best at conflict resolution, you can thank your parents (or guardians) for that.

"We are drawn to what feels familiar, even if it's unhealthy," Malka Shaw, a licensed therapist with over 25 years of experience helping couples navigate relationship dynamics, says. "However, people who recognize problematic patterns and make intentional choices in relationships can absolutely rewrite their relationship story."

But does your parents' marriage affect your marriage? How does your parents' relationship affect yours, exactly? Does having divorced parents affect future relationships? With the expertise of Shaw, learn how you might have an attachment style straight from your childhood and how you can break free of the negative side of the parental influence on relationships below.

In this article:

• How Does Your Parents' Relationship Affect Yours?
• How to Create a Different Relationship Than Your Parents

How Does Your Parents' Relationship Affect Yours?

So, how does your parents' relationship affect yours, exactly? They might have had some relationship green flags you pulled from or some traits that are less helpful in your romantic endeavors.

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Attachment Styles

First things first: attachment styles. According to Shaw, our attachment style often mirrors what we see as we are growing up in the world. So whether you're secure, anxious or avoidant attached, it's highly likely that it stems directly from your childhood experiences.

Communication Habits

Another big one? As they say, communication is key. Without it, well, things can turn south. "Whether we talk things out, shut down or resort to defensiveness often stems from childhood," Shaw explains.

Conflict Resolution

Did your parents resolve issues respectfully, or did they avoid or escalate conflict? Whatever way they, themselves, handled conflict, so will you, typically.

Partner Selection

"Most people think they are choosing a partner, but in reality, they are choosing a familiar emotional experience," Shaw explains. "Whether it's love, conflict or connection, we gravitate toward what feels like home—even if home was dysfunctional."

Maybe you've got a habit of picking partners who are always emotionally unavailable (perhaps you have a parent who isn't), or you pick partners that don't align with your dreams in life. That usually comes directly from how you saw your parents choose partners that weren't good for them.

Emotional Expectations

According to Shaw, growing up in a household where emotions were dismissed or explosive can also greatly shape how we handle emotions in relationships.

How to Create a Different Relationship Than Your Parents

So what if you want to create a different relationship than your parents? Children of divorce, children of unhappy parents, children who wish they'd had a better example of relationships and even ones who did have good examples—no matter where you come from, you can create something different and perhaps even better in your own romantic life.

"Awareness is key. True growth in relationships comes from recognizing the difference between what is familiar and what is actually healthy. People are drawn to relationships that recreate early emotional experiences—whether to heal old wounds or relive familiar dysfunction. Recognizing these patterns is the first step to breaking free."

Without growth, education and intervention, Shaw adds, we tend to relive what we grew up with, even if it caused pain. But all hope isn't lost. Resources like therapy, self-reflection, and consciously choosing new ways to communicate and resolve conflict can help rewire the ingrained behaviors inherited from your parents (and working on yourself will show someone you love them even more, too).

You don't have to be the product of your past—you can be the architect of your future. Changing the script, so to speak, can happen when you actively choose to do so. Putting in the time, effort and hard work to change the way you experience (and relate to) relationships can be the thing that helps you find the one, choose love, find joy and celebrate the romantic moments in your life.

Remember: While family influence is powerful, it's not destiny. With intentional work, you can break free from generational patterns and create relationships built on respect, emotional safety and secure attachment. "Healing isn't about rejecting where we come from—it's about choosing where we go from here."