Sex and Aging: How to Keep Intimacy Going as You Age

During the summer of 2024, I was chatting with a married man in his 50s and he told me he was satisfied with his wife as a companion but they were no longer sexually active. He was looking for someone assuredly younger and more sexually active to fulfill his desires. I have had conversations with several men like this one.

That conversation in particular surfaced a recurring fear of mine—sex and aging. I sometimes fear that my future partner will find me less attractive as gravity overtakes my focal points and my beauty becomes inconspicuous. A similar unfounded fear I have is that as I age, sexual intimacy will take a backseat. The idea that older adults don't have as much sex isn't entirely erroneous. According to sex and aging statistics from a 2023 AARP research survey, the frequency of sex declined over the past 20 years in people aged 40 and older.

That said, just because physical sex declines, it doesn't mean the desire to have sex does. The same study found 72 percent of men and 63 percent of women have a current regular sexual partner. Additionally, four out of five people said their relationships were physically pleasurable and emotionally satisfying. While some older adults are having sex and enjoying it, less than half of the people surveyed said they were satisfied with their current sex life.

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How do you keep the intimacy going as you age, especially while navigating physical changes and emotional adaptations to an evolving body? Krista Nabar, a psychologist and sex therapist in Durham, North Carolina and two older couples share answers to these questions.

In this article:

• How Physical Aspects of Aging Impact Sex
• Shame, Aging and Intimacy
• How to Keep Intimacy Going as You Age

How Physical Aspects of Aging Impact Sex

It isn't surprising that studies show the frequency of sex tends to decline as you age. As we increase in age, our bodies undergo several changes that can disrupt intimacy.

"Biologically, as people age, they start to have more health problems," Nabar says. "And sometimes those health problems can affect their actual sexual functioning or they can affect their desire for sexual functioning."

Said health problems associated with aging may include lower libido, erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness and a decline in mobility. The Massachusetts Male Aging Study reported that approximately 40% of men are impacted by erectile dysfunction at age 40 and nearly 70% of men are affected at age 70. Likewise, vaginal dryness can become more common after menopause, which typically begins around mid-40s. Studies found that when it comes to sex and middle-aged women, about half are affected by vaginal dryness, which can lead to pain and irritation during sex if left untreated.

These are just a few health challenges that can impact an aging couple's ability or desire to be intimate. While bodily changes can feel inconvenient, they don't have to mean sex ends—ideally, intimacy should shapeshift and become multidimensional, adapting to your evolving body.

Shame, Aging and Intimacy

When the youthful skin you once lived in loses elasticity and you become excluded from conversations about attraction, sexiness and desirability, it can make intimacy difficult. Older people are often perceived as less attractive than younger people according to studies, although we probably don't need research to tell us that. The dominant faces on billboards, in magazines and on our TV screens confirm it.

"We are still constantly inundated with these visions of what attractiveness actually is, which is often associated with youth and smaller bodies and everything related to those kinds of things," Nabar says.

Getting older can trigger feelings of shame if you aren't yet at the point where you can see the beauty in an aging body. Shame can look like not wanting to be naked in front of your partner, not feeling desirable or no longer feeling worthy of pleasure. Ultimately, shame can lead to an unfulfilling sex life, if you have the courage to have sex at all.

It can be difficult to see the attractiveness of your aging body when you live in a society that tells you it's not possible to both be older and desirable. However, it's important to challenge harmful stereotypes you hold around attraction, aging and beauty. It's also essential to get curious about the origins of those beliefs.

"We [should] recognize the role that capitalism plays in attractiveness and the fact that there are a lot of people profiting off of us feeling bad about our body's aging or the changes that we're seeing in our bodies," Nabar says.

For some couples, attraction doesn't change as they age, which is the case for Raquel and Phil Jones. The married couple located in Woodbridge, New Jersey, are in their mid-fifties and have been together for 30 years.

"I don't think it's changed because we still feel the same," Raquel says. "I don't feel any less attracted to my husband than I did in the past." Phil echoed similar sentiments saying he is also still attracted to his wife despite seeing her change over the past three decades.

"It's the same. It's basically what we saw in each other in the beginning, you know, it's just deepened over the years. The love just intensified and it feels stronger," he says.

How to Keep Intimacy Going as You Age

Intimacy as you age has several health benefits including helping to lower stress, minimize depression and even expand one's life span. Health benefits aside, some older adults find sex is more fulfilling as an older adult and that can be a tangible reality for you too. Here is how you can keep the intimacy and attraction waxing strong.

Get Comfortable in Your Aging Body

Committing to feeling at home in your body no matter how many times it evolves can create the foundation for a healthy sex life as you age. That said, it requires a rigorous amount of self-acceptance and that may mean acknowledging any shame you feel, grieving what your body was and accepting what it is now.

Annette Nieukerk, a 72-year-old visual artist in Vancouver Canada, has learned to embrace her aging body. She has an active sex life with her partner, 77, who she has been with for four years after being friends for 45.

"I actually feel more attractive now than I did when I was 20 years old," Nieukerk says. "I think it's acceptance. As an older woman, you either embrace aging or you cringe from it. And I find it fascinating." The visual artist also captures aging bodies in many of her artistic pieces, which has aided her in embracing her aging body.

Additionally, Nieukerk had a lightbulb moment about embracing aging when her mom was 96 and in the hospital close to death. "I couldn't help but notice how absolutely beautiful her hands and her face were. The skin was so thin, so parchment-like. It was like it was translucent. And it seemed to glow, which is an odd thing to say, but it was like I could see not just her bones and her skeletal system, but it was like I could see her spirit shining through," she says. Nieukerk adds that she realized, "my mother's hands were my hands," and saw her future through her.

Feeling at home in your body and all of its aging glory can boost attraction, desire and intimacy between yourself and your partner. Find the beauty in fine lines, dwindling collagen and all of the uncomfortable in-betweens.

Redefine Attraction With Your Partner

Venture on a journey to explore all facets of attraction with your partner. If you're struggling to find attraction in physical features, you may need to explore the intangible things to help light the fire.

"You have to just realize that there are so many other things in the relationship besides what your person looks like," Raquel says. "And what's most important is that you talk to each other, you love each other. And just remember why you got together, why you got married or why you're together in the first place. It can't only be based on physical attraction."

Consider engaging in an exercise where you journal all of the things you find attractive about your partner beyond physical attributes. Is it their laugh? The way they care for the people around them? How do their eyes sparkle when they talk about things they love? The wonder they have about life? Focus on non-tangible characteristics and see if it contributes to growing your attraction and improving intimacy.

It's also important not to underestimate the power of loving and liking your partner; both can be fuel for a vibrant sex life. "After being alone for 16 years and then meeting somebody who is just so wonderful to be with, I just found that my libido just went wild," Nieukerk says.

Start Intimacy Before Sex

Couples should remember to cultivate intimacy before the next sexual encounter, Nabar says. That often looks like fostering emotional intimacy during mundane activities throughout the day.

"Everything you do in between one sexual encounter and another is foreplay for that next sexual encounter, which means that how you talk to each other, how you engage with each other, the warmth and connection that you have in your relationship, all of that can either hinder the next sexual encounter or improve and be a catalyst for the next sexual encounter," she explains.

Nieukerk bolsters this sentiment and says little acts of respect and kindness throughout the day helps keep intimacy going in her relationship. The simple act of her partner making her coffee every morning creates emotional intimacy that can lead to sex.

"He gets up before I do. He goes and makes a coffee. He comes back to bed, and we sit and sip our coffee and drink it for a while. And then one act of kindness and intimacy leads to another. And some mornings, we don't get out of bed," she says.

Work With What You Have, Where You Are

The reality is that sex in your 50s, 60s and 70s may look different than it did in your 20s. Free yourself from the pressure to approach intimacy the same way and work with your body where it is now. If you aren't as agile, need more lubrication or can't bend yourself into a pretzel, there is no shame in that. Focus on finding pleasure in a way that feels comfortable and authentic. Ultimately, the more you take care of your holistic health, the better engaged you can be with sex and aging.

"If you stay physically and mentally healthy and engaged with life, there is a wonderful sense of freedom that comes with aging. There's a lot to be enjoyed," Nieukerk says.