12 Amazing (and Actually Doable) Sex Tips for a Better Sex Life

Hint: Good sex begins long before you get naked.
Sex Life Tips
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Dina Cheney - The Knot Contributor.
Dina Cheney
Dina Cheney - The Knot Contributor.
Dina Cheney
The Knot Contributor
  • Dina writes for The Knot Worldwide, specializing in food, travel and relationships.
  • With more than 20 years of experience in service journalism, she also pens articles and recipes for publications, such as Good Housekeeping, Parents, SELF, Health, Men’s Health, Men’s Journal, Prevention, Fine Cooking, Weight Watchers and Diabetic Living.
  • Dina graduated from Columbia College, Columbia University and The Institute of Cul...
Updated Apr 17, 2023

Falling into routine with your partner is normal. And, sometimes, that can even be a beautiful thing. (There's something so special about having someone to grocery shop with every Sunday, isn't there?) But switching up your sexual routines a bit can lead to a better sex life and an off-the-charts pleasurable experience for the both of you.

How to have good sex doesn't necessarily come down to how quickly you can bring your partner to orgasm, but more so how to spark and nurture intimacy and communication. Establishing a safe, supportive and, yes, sexy environment is key.

If you're wondering how to take your sex life to the next level, read on for sex tips and advice from five experts: Dr. Jacqueline H. Sherman is a licensed clinical psychologist and certified intimacy coach, Shan Boodram is a certified sexologist and Bumble's sex and relationships expert, Dr. Leah Millheiser is an OBGYN and the Chief Medical Officer of Evernow, Dr. Lee Phillips is a psychotherapist and certified sex and couples therapist and Dr. Janet Brito is a certified sex therapist and licensed psychologist.

In this article:

    Why is a Good Sex Life Healthy?

    If you're looking for reasons to invest time and effort into physical intimacy (other than it just plain feels good!), you'll find plenty.

    According Dr. Jacqueline H. Sherman, a healthy and satisfying sex life can help reduce physical pain, lower blood pressure, boost the immune system and enhance sleep quality. And on the emotional side of things, having regular sexy sessions can decrease stress and up your confidence, too. Talk about some sexy side effects.

    And thanks to the release of the bonding chemical oxytocin during sex, the act can also deepen love, build emotional intimacy with your partner and lead to greater relationship satisfaction.

    How Important is a Good Sex Life?

    As Sherman explains, every couple gets to decide how important sex is to their relationship. But for most couples, sex is a very important part of intimacy.

    "Many people share that they feel their love for their partner deepens after engaging in good sex," she says.

    That said, sex is not a priority for some. And according to certified intimacy coach Shan Boodram, 41% of respondents to a recent Bumble survey in the U.S. revealed they're not having sex—which is just fine with them.

    Again, it's up to you and your partner to define what a good, satisfying sex life looks like to you. Be honest and communicative if your needs aren't being met and, in turn, keep an open mind and be supportive as your partner shares their thoughts.

    How to Spice up Your Sex Life

    There's no shortage of things to try when it comes to reinvigorating your sex life. While some of these strategies may sound simple, these sex tips, advice and tactics will all tee you up for great sex.

    1. Build emotional intimacy.

    When you feel emotionally safe with your partner, sex can be so much more passionate and pleasurable, shares Sherman. "Research continues to show that couples who have a strong emotional connection have better sex."

    To build closeness, she suggests asking your partner the following questions:

    • Have I made you feel supported lately? How can I make your feel better supported?
    • What was the last thing I did to make you feel loved and cared for?
    • Is there anything I can do to make you feel more heard in our relationship?
    • How can we prioritize spending more alone time together?
    • How do you think our sex life has been going?

    2. Communicate.

    Many couples have never spoken in detail about sex and intimacy—which is a major shame when you consider the benefits of initiating such conversations.

    "Engaging in sex dialogue has so many benefits, but it may feel awkward at first," says Sherman. To begin, she suggests praising your partner and focusing on what you enjoyed about your last sexual experience with them. Then, you can broach new ideas or things you'd like to try and discuss what you're both comfortable with.

    You can learn more about initiating conversations surrounding sexual intimacy here.

    3. Spend time apart.

    Creating a little distance from your partner can be a great way to refocus your attention on them with more of an erotic charge, says Sherman. "That way, you can approach your next sexual connection with new synergy and curiosity."

    4. Have a rich solo sex life.

    Whether you prefer reading erotic fiction or watching porn, recalling a sexual memory or reflecting on something you'd like to try with your partner, fantasizing helps you learn about yourself and primes your body and mind for arousal.

    "Most people find that the more they fantasize, the more sex they desire," Sherman explains.

    Masturbate and learn what feels good. You can later communicate what you learned about yourself and your body during these self-pleasure sessions with your partner for a more informed and thoughtful sexual experience.

    5. Schedule sex.

    It may sound unsexy, but you can't have a sex life if you don't make time for sex—and busy schedules get in the way of intimacy, warns Boodram. She suggests finding a time that makes the most sense for your schedule, whether it's Wednesday evenings or weekend mornings.

    Dr. Leah Millheiser, an OBGYN, agrees: "Although scheduling sex may feel forced, it is sometimes the only way to find time for intimacy when there are so many other responsibilities in our lives that take up our attention."

    6. Get busy in the a.m.

    If you're in a long-term relationship, you most likely leave sex until the very end of the night. Unfortunately, that's when nearly everyone's exhausted!

    Try morning sessions, Sherman suggests, which should boost your energy and confidence and help you ease into your days.

    7. Take turns initiating.

    When one partner is the primary initiator, they can become frustrated, fatigued by the routine or feel unappreciated. (Just think about how frustrating it is when you always have to take charge in the bridesmaid group chat!)

    "It's important that this [initiator] role is shared because both partners deserve to feel sexually desired," stresses Sherman.

    8. Do something new.

    When we experience something new, dopamine (the feel-good hormone) is released, Sherman explains. "This keeps sex interesting and exciting."

    Consider changing locations of where you have sex in your home, having a staycation at a local hotel or incorporating new sex toys, suggests Millheiser.

    Additionally, talk to your partner about any sexual fantasies or kinks they've always wanted to explore. "Curiosity about your partner and getting creative with your sex can be a game changer in a relationship," adds Dr. Lee Phillips, a certified sex and couple's therapist.

    9. Breathe.

    While engaged in sex, notice your breath, counsels Sherman. Begin breathing more slowly and deeply, to help you relax and get in touch with your senses.

    "Research shows that slowing down your breathing during sex leads to more arousal and can build a more intense orgasm," she says.

    10. Extend foreplay.

    At this point, no one really needs to advocate for foreplay: It's great! No secret there or question about that. But be sure you're not treating it like an appetizer. Foreplay can be so much more than a few minutes right before penetrative sex, Sherman insists.

    If you and your partner have penetrative sex (remember: not every couple does), consider abstaining from it one night and dedicating that time to foreplay, oral play, etc. Take your time exploring one another's bodies. Be vocal about what feels good.

    11. Talk dirty.

    Using language as a form of eroticism can take your sex life to an entirely new level, according to Sherman.

    If you are usually quiet during sex, start by getting comfortable moaning when you feel pleasure. Then graduate to dirty talk that builds anticipation. Don't get too hung up on the script: Just describe what you're doing, what you're about to do or how your partner is making you feel.

    12. Try edging.

    Edging is the act of intentionally bringing your partner to the verge of orgasm to prolong their orgasmic experience and intensify their pleasure, explains Sherman.

    "First, use your hand or a toy to stimulate the clitoris or penis until your partner feels very aroused and close to orgasm. Next, pause the stimulation temporarily, until the orgasmic feelings subside. Continue this practice by repeating the above process several times until your partner is ready to climax and release."

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