Should You Invite Estranged Family Members to Your Wedding? Experts Weigh In

After you get engaged there are a few things you need to start thinking about right away, and creating your guest list is one of them. The number of people you decide to invite will affect every aspect of wedding planning, from your venue to your budget. The cost of a wedding is on a per person basis, so the more people you invite, the more it'll cost you. Family dynamics are an issue for many couples while creating their guest lists. When it comes to estranged family members—people no longer close to you due to a falling out—it can be a tricky situation as to whether they should get an invite. Read on for a few tips to figuring out how to handle estranged family members as you plan your big day.

In this article:

• Should You Invite Estranged Family to Your Wedding?
• How to Approach Not Inviting Estranged Family to Your Wedding
• How to Tell Certain Family Members They Aren't Invited
• How to Interact With Estranged Family If You Invite Them to Your Wedding

Should You Invite Estranged Family to Your Wedding?

Creating a guest list informs many other decisions you will make, from setting a budget to choosing a venue. It can also be one of the most stressful parts. "Family dynamics are one of the most stress-inducing parts of wedding planning for many couples. The decision to invite an estranged family member is not one to be taken lightly," says Alexandra Denniston, owner and lead planner, Eventlightenment Planning. "As your wedding day is for you, think long and hard about who you want to include as part of your inner circle. Factors to consider might be why this person is estranged from you—is it their behavior? The way they treat you? Their relationship with other family members? If there is any chance that their presence may cause drama or become the center of attention, consider not extending the invitation."

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Think about how having them at the wedding would make you and your partner feel. Would you be worried they would make a scene or make other guests uncomfortable? Then don't send them an invite. If you wouldn't invite them to your home or to a family gathering in a different circumstance, this might not be the best opportunity to reconnect with them. Another way to think about it is to ask yourself if the stress of excluding someone is worth the pleasure of their absence? If the answer is yes, then you have your answer. Perhaps not inviting them would create more issues. "Inviting an estranged family member to your wedding could be viewed as sending a message to other family members that you have taken a 'side; in the matter," says Mandy Connor owner of Hummingbird Events & Design. "Do you wish to extend an olive branch to them by inviting them to the wedding? Is this a relationship door that you want to open? These are all matters to take into consideration before inviting an estranged individual."

How to Approach Not Inviting Estranged Family to Your Wedding

So you've made the decision not to invite an estranged family member to your wedding. How do you go about letting them know? "The best way to not invite a toxic family member is simply to not send an invitation," says Denniston. "If they are estranged, an invite shouldn't be expected—and if they reach out asking for your reasoning, I would be straightforward and honest with your explanation."

How to Tell Certain Family Members They Aren't Invited

If an estranged family member does ask for a reason, there are a few you can give. Of course, there's the honest answer—that you're uncomfortable with their presence at the wedding, because of your relationship with them or their relationship with other loved ones. You can also explain you're on a strict budget, therefore you're keeping your guest list small. Or you could tell them, you're paying for the wedding yourselves and need to cut costs. Lastly, you could let them know the venue has a capacity limit.

Of course, if you're not on speaking terms with the family member or would prefer not to discuss it with them, you may have a close relative or friend have this potentially difficult conversation for you.

How to Interact With Estranged Family If You Invite Them to Your Wedding

If you come to the conclusion that you want to invite an estranged family member to your wedding and they RSVP yes, there are a few ways to approach seeing your estranged family members on the big day.

Have a conversation ahead of time.

"It may be prudent to have a conversation with them ahead of time regarding the expectations for their behavior or interactions with you or other guests on the wedding day to set a firm, clear boundary," says Denniston. "Remember - your wedding day is a celebration of your love and it should be the primary focus from start to finish."

Keep it baseline.

Don't feel like you need to go out of our way for them on your wedding day. "I suggest saying hello and thanking them for being there and moving on. No need to make a big fuss of it!" says Nora Sheils founder of Bridal Bliss and co-founder of Rock Paper Coin.