Experts Share How to Uninvite Someone From a Wedding

There are some questions in wedding planning that no one wants to ask. One of those is how to uninvite someone from a wedding. Maybe it comes up as you're choosing the perfect invitation from The Knot Invitations. You realize that, oh no, there's someone who got a save-the-date but isn't exactly on your nice list anymore. Perhaps your friend from high school, the one who barely made the guest list on her own, added a plus-one to her invite—and you can't fit another seat at the table. Or, maybe you're a month out from the wedding, and a cousin has done something that's made their relationship with the rest of the family incredibly tenuous.

These situations aren't ideal, but they do happen. And when they come up, you need a plan for how to politely uninvite someone without turning it into a dark cloud that hangs over your wedding.

Whether you've managed your guest list since day one with The Knot Guest List Tool or, because of a few friendship breakups, you're now trying to track whether everyone goes from save-the-date to invitation, here's how the experts suggest you deal with awkward situations where you may need to uninvite someone from your wedding.

In this article: Can You Uninvite Someone From Your Wedding? | Is It Rude to Uninvite Someone From a Wedding? | Reasons to Uninvite Someone From a Wedding | How to Politely Uninvite Someone From a Wedding

Can You Uninvite Someone From Your Wedding?

You can do whatever you want—it's your wedding. However, the traditional etiquette advises against uninviting guests to the wedding. But when it comes to whether you can uninvite a plus-one to a wedding, the rules get a little murkier. If this person was not invited with a plus-one, then yes, you can uninvite them (though don't expect them to be understanding!). If they were invited with a specific plus-one and have changed their guest, you're still within your rights to uninvite them.

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Etiquette expert Lisa Mirza Grotts explains, though, that there might be situations where you would want to uninvite someone, and, in those cases, it may be excusable. "In today's modern world of ever-shifting guest lists, destination weddings and budget realities, it's no surprise that couples start second-guessing who gets a seat at the table."

"To uninvite a guest goes against the grain of good manners. Call me old school, but it's an etiquette misstep and with good reason. Once an invitation is extended, it's a social contract," Grotts says.

Is It Rude to Uninvite Someone From a Wedding?

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Whether or not you're in the right, most uninvited wedding guests will consider it rude. That's the reality. But if you find yourself in that situation, you may not care how they perceive the recalled invitation. Grotts says, "Before you take action, ask yourself: Will it really be worth the ripple effect?"

Typically, she says couples should avoid uninviting if a formal invitation was both sent and accepted. In cases where it was simply a verbal mention of an invitation, you are not bound to invite them or even tell someone they aren't invited to your wedding. Once that invitation has gone out, "if you must rescind, do it swiftly, either in person or on the phone," Grotts says.

"There can be extenuating circumstances that make it necessary. The key is to think very carefully before making that decision. Consider the impact, both short and long term," adds Lindsey Nickel, wedding planner at Lovely Day Events based in Napa, California. She explains that both sides of the couple should be on the same page about the invitation. This should never be a one-person decision.

Reasons to Uninvite Someone From a Wedding

The reasons for uninviting someone from your wedding need to be significant. In an ideal world, you'll carefully consider when to send wedding invitations so you have ample time to consider who should really be there, but you also won't send them so far in advance that there's time to drift apart from would-be guests. But when it comes to regretting inviting estranged family to your wedding or feeling pressured into inviting toxic family members—and then changing your mind—here is what you need to know.

"In rare cases, uninviting a guest may be necessary—but the reason must be significant. We're talking about serious bad behavior, not a forgotten thank-you note or a political disagreement," Grotts says. "This needs to be life-altering conduct. If the vibe isn't right, you might uninvite."

Nickel further explains that a reason to uninvite a guest could be caused by a falling out or shift in the relationship that makes their presence at the wedding uncomfortable. "This is a tough one and a gray area, since uninviting someone can have long term consequences to your relationship," Nickel adds.

However, she also says that this could feel like the right decision based on less divisive reasons, like budget or venue limitations. Nickel says, "This could happen if the wedding has been postponed or rescheduled and you had to move venues to one that has a smaller capacity."

Lastly, sometimes there's just an extenuating circumstance. Jodi Drysdale, owner and principal planner at CES Weddings and Events in Chico, California, recalls a former client whose bosses and co-workers were all invited to her wedding. Nine days before the wedding, she was fired—and having those colleagues present would have felt like a painful reminder.

How to Politely Uninvite Someone From a Wedding

Regardless of the situation, there are tactful ways to uninvite someone from your wedding. It's not a guarantee they won't be upset (they probably will be!), but there is a polite, graceful way to deliver the news. Whether you have to uninvite someone from your wedding B-list or had a falling out with a loved one, here is how to uninvite wedding guests.

1. Uninvite a Guest Due to Extenuating Circumstances

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Whether it's a personal issue or a guest count issue, the most important part of uninviting someone is communicating with wedding guests clearly—even though the conversation will be awkward. Reach out directly via a thoughtful message, whether that's a text, email or call. Be kind, clear and compassionate—and be prepared for a range of emotions. Some people may feel hurt or disappointed, so handle it with as much grace as you can.

• Due to extenuating circumstances, we've had to downsize our guest list ahead of our [date] wedding. We are so sad that we won't be able to celebrate with you, but we know that we'll have another chance to raise a glass together soon.
• Our original wedding plans, as indicated on our save-the-date, have unfortunately changed. We will now be celebrating with an intimate gathering rather than a large group of our closest friends and family. We hope you understand, and we look forward to toasting to our new chapter at another time.

2. Tell a Guest Who Did Something Wrong They're No Longer Invited

This is the one situation where you do not need to be especially gracious. If they know they did something horrible to be uninvited, chances are they have a feeling it's coming.

• Given the current circumstances, your presence is no longer requested at our wedding celebration. Thank you for your understanding.
• Due to the unforeseen situation, we will no longer be able to celebrate with you at our wedding on [date]. We are saddened by the circumstances, and we appreciate your understanding.

3. Tell a Guest They Cannot Bring an Uninvited Plus-One

Only the name on the invitation is expected to RSVP. If additional guests are added, there is no reason to accommodate them—and you can tell the guest that there is no extra space. Grotts says, "Let me put it plainly, 'When you assume, you make an 'ass' out of 'u' and 'me.' Guest lists are curated, not crowd-sourced. If only your name is on the envelope, bring yourself and your best manners."

• Due to space constraints, we will not be able to accommodate additional guests. Thank you for understanding, and we are so excited to celebrate with you next month.
• We're delighted to celebrate with you. Unfortunately, our venue and space constraints cannot accommodate additional guests. We look forward to seeing you on [date].

4. Break It to a Guest That No Kids Means No Kids

Often, weddings are adults-only and, even in the case of the perfect kid-free wedding wording, some people will still assume they can bring their children. Nickel suggests, "If kids are the issue, offering resources like babysitting contacts or a hotel childcare option can be a thoughtful way to soften the message."

• While our wedding is adults-only, we know that finding childcare can be a challenge. We have resources available for finding babysitters, which I will send, and we also fully understand if this means you will not be able to make it. We will find a time soon to celebrate with you and your family!
• We are so excited to celebrate with you, but our venue cannot accommodate children. We have attached resources for finding childcare, and we also understand if this changes your plans. We will find a way to celebrate with you in a way that works for you and your family, whom we all love dearly!

5. Explain to a Wedding Party Member They Are No Longer Welcome

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It's a tough situation when you have to uninvite someone from your wedding party, but not necessarily the wedding. However, you can explain to this person that you understand their priorities have to be focused elsewhere currently, and, while you would love for them to celebrate with you, it would be best if they attended as a guest.

• We understand that your priorities need to be elsewhere in this chapter of life, and we would love to celebrate with you at our wedding as a guest rather than a member of the wedding party. We hope this allows you to keep your focus where it's needed right now, and let us know how we can best support you.