10 Sex Questions for Couples From Top Sex Experts
Whether you're navigating a new sexual partner's preferences or you're looking to bring some excitement to your long-term relationship, sitting down together and answering sex questions for couples can be crucial for getting what you want. After all, as any sex expert will tell you, communication is key.
Below, we talked to some top sex educators for questions they encourage people to ask when they're looking to start a conversation about their sexual and emotional desires, needs and preferences.
1. What would you like to try sexually if there were no consequences or guilt?
This question can feel nerve-wracking to answer with both a new partner and someone you've been sleeping with for decades. For many of us, it can feel uncomfortable to fully and explicitly verbalize our most intimate desires, especially if we perceive them as less common fetishes or perhaps a favorite position we don't know if our partner will be open to.
Sangeeta Pillai, founder of Soul Sutras, suggests framing it in a way that takes the pressure off of the two of you and focuses on the fantasy. "Questions like this free up your partner to express desires they might otherwise feel too worried to express," she says. "It gives them a sense of liberation to really explore their needs and fantasies."
2. What's one thing you've never done that you'd like to try?
Rebecca Alvarez Story, a sexologist and co-founder of Bloomi, shares a specific tool for couples to help them open up about what they might like to try in the bedroom.
"I often ask couples to work on their 'yes, no, maybe' list," she says. "The 'yes' list has things that you enjoy doing and want to continue, your 'no' list are things that are off-limits, and the 'maybe' list has things that you are open to trying."
Your list may include sexual experiences you've had and want to have again, or things you haven't yet tried. Some ideas to get your bucket list started include anal play, a threesome, dirty talk, experimenting with sex toys, mutual masturbation and taking nudes.
3. An article stumbled across my feed about [a want, need or desire], and it got me thinking. How would you feel about trying that?
This approach to trying something new can be especially helpful if you have something specific in mind—like a sex position or kink—that you'd like to bring up.
"This is a great way to introduce anything in your relationship," says Kait Scalisi, author of The PbK Guide to Getting the Sex You Want. "The magic in this question is two-fold. First, you put a bit of distance between yourself and what you're asking for, which can make it easier to ask. Second, you end with an open-ended question so the conversation doesn't shut down with a simple yes or no."
4. How and what did you learn about sex growing up?
It can feel really uncomfortable to share your deepest sexual desires. After all, some people's feelings could be rooted in shame or guilt. Understanding where someone is coming from can help you make sense of their preferences, behaviors and desires.
"This is a good question to ask because it can give you an idea about their feelings, attitude and knowledge about sex in general," says Donna Oriowo, owner and lead therapist at Annod Right. "It gives you a starting point for being able to address things with them to have a more fulfilling experience."
5. How do you feel most comfortable telling me what you want?
Cassandra Corrado is a sex educator who works with adults to unlearn shame and improve pleasure (she's also the educator behind the @FeministSexEd Instagram account). When we talk about unlearning shame, this question is foundational in creating a safe space for both partners to communicate.
"Pretty much all of us want to be able to tell our partners what we enjoy in bed," she says. "But in reality, most of us feel self-conscious or just have a hard time speaking up in the moment. This question can help conversations flow more easily by getting to the 'how' of communication."
6. Where do you like and not like to be touched?
When you're with a new partner, you don't yet know what drives the other person crazy—both in the best and worst ways. It's sometimes best to start with the basics. Consider asking the above question, as well as whether or not someone has touch triggers that make them uncomfortable.
"I think these are good questions to know how to show up for your partner," says sex educator Jimanekia Eborn. "It allows them to opt in, and also takes care of themselves."
7. What have you learned about your body in the last three years that could make our sex life more fun?
"This question is a twofer as far as I am concerned," Oriowo says. "For one, it relays that the body is constantly changing and our desires and what works for us also changes with it. Second, it keeps your sex life from being in a constant state of stagnation. If you are relaying what you have learned about your body and changes that may need to be incorporated, it makes your sex life a changeable, growable, flexible thing."
8. In what context do you feel the sexiest?
I think most of us can agree with Corrado when she says, "Feeling sexy isn't just about how we look, it's also about our environment." Being honest about when you feel sexiest can help your partner understand your turn-ons (and turn-offs).
"For some people, feeling sexy and desirous may have nothing at all to do with their appearance and everything to do with what's going on around them," Corrado says. "Your sexy context might mean lit candles and fresh sheets on the bed. Your partner's might mean that the kids are out of the house for the night, so they don't need to stress about getting interrupted. Figure out what works for each of you, and create a context that's mutually pleasurable."
9. What's a fantasy you would like to try with me?
"This question acknowledges that we have sexual fantasies, but it also gives permission for the fantasy to be discussed and shows a willingness to explore and possibly make that fantasy into a reality," Oriowo says.
If your significant other shares something you aren't comfortable with—now or ever—remember that you can say no while still being respectful of their opening up to you. Sexual intimacy is just as much about respecting boundaries as it is about good foreplay and steamy sex.
10. What's one thing you love that I do when we're intimate and why?
Let's end on one of my personal favorites: the compliment game. Some of the questions on this list can open up difficult conversations. Hopefully, this one can leave you both feeling confident, happy and maybe even in the mood. You can ask your partner their favorite thing you do while you're being intimate, their favorite part of your body, or maybe even a highlight from the last time you had sex.
"This question gets couples warmed up for an interesting dialogue," Story says. "Sexual communication can be intimidating, so the question allows you to facilitate sharing something you enjoy. The partner receiving the information will also have positive reinforcement to continue the act and possibly explore similar things in that wheelhouse."