Are You Scheduling Sex? Experts Share Why You Should

Between a career, maybe kids or pets, and other obligations, intimacy may not be a priority when you're simply trying to get by. Enter scheduling sex, which, according to experts, can be a boon for your bond. The fantasy: your partner pushes you against a wall with a passionate kiss. Cue a marathon session between the sheets, followed by a relaxing cuddle sesh. The reality: you never actually get around to having sex, or only have a spare 10 minutes for intimacy before work begins. The in-between: you can have it all, as long as you prioritize it.

We surveyed over 1,000 dating, partnered and married respondents to see how they're approaching modern romance and sex as part of The Knot 2024 Relationship & Intimacy Study. Within our findings, we found that most couples aren't scheduling sex at all. In fact, many are grappling with low sexual satisfaction. While drafting up a sex schedule may sound like it would take the element of spontaneity out of the encounter, scheduling sex is recommended by marriage and family therapists, as well as sex therapists. We promise: It really is more fun than it sounds. So make room on that Google calendar for your new sexual schedule and read what the experts have to say about scheduling sex.

In This Article:

• Are Couples Scheduling Sex?
• Scheduling Sex Is Actually Great For Your Relationship
• How To Schedule Sex Without Feeling Weird

Are Couples Scheduling Sex?

According to our study, scheduling sex is overwhelmingly not a common practice… yet. Only 2% of dating individuals reported scheduling sex, but 24% reported not being satisfied with their sex lives. (On the other hand, only 22% of dating couples reported being very satisfied with their sex lives.) Among married couples, the percentage of respondents scheduling sex increased.

In our data, 14% of married individuals reported scheduling sex. Ten percent of married respondents also reported being unsatisfied with their sex lives, while 36% reported being very satisfied with their sex lives.

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In short, couples are scheduling sex and the numbers hint that it could be helpful for relationship satisfaction. But to find out more, we spoke to the experts about the benefits.

Scheduling Sex Is Actually Great For Your Relationship

Our study results found that nearly a quarter of all couples are either extremely dissatisfied or extremely satisfied with their sex lives. Sure, penciling in (or, in this day and age, sending a calendar invite for) sex sounds, well, straight-up unsexy. But it's a necessity for some and can even bring the spark back for others.

"Scheduling sex is like adding a sprinkle of intention and excitement to your relationship," says therapist Heather McPherson, LPC-S, LMFT-S, CST-S of Respark Therapy, PLLC. "It's all about having a blast while keeping your bond strong and steamy." Here are a few of the many benefits.

Ensures you'll get busy

Many couples who've been together for a while stop having sex because they don't make time for it, observes Diane Sanford, Ph.D, a licensed clinical psychologist. Other activities seem more pressing, like taking care of chores or tackling extra work. And by the time partners get to bed, they're often exhausted. "They'd rather sleep than have sex," says Sally Valentine, Ph.D., FAACS, LCSW. By scheduling sex, you're helping to ensure that sex and intimacy are a regular, reliable part of your relationship.

Improves communication

Planning sex requires chatting, which can lead to open conversations about your desires and fantasies, explains McPherson. Whether you opt to experiment with date night cards or try out different types of massages, you'll have a project to work on together that's fun and conducive to sharing.

Boosts intimacy

It might not sound spontaneous and steamy, but scheduling sex can bring you closer, notes sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist Amanda Pasciucco, Ph.D. When you plan sexy time, you're saying, "I want to be closer to you. You're important to me." You're showing your commitment to each other and the relationship, adds Dr. Valentine, also the founder of Life Coaching and Therapy. You're making your relationship a priority.

Builds anticipation

Knowing you'll be having sex can help keep erotic, sensual thoughts top of mind, observes McPherson. You'll look forward to the mini adventures to come, and can even add to that anticipation by sending one another sexy texts or teasing one another throughout the day. As Dr. Valentine points out, "Together, you can create the mental headspace for sexual possibilities."

How To Schedule Sex Without Feeling Weird

Some couples feel that setting a sexual schedule lacks romance or will destroy spontaneity, shares Dr. Sanford. But instead of giving in to if-only thoughts, she recommends embracing a positive mindset—and giving it a go! Here are some top-tier tips for how to schedule sex (without being totally weird about it).

1. Suggest the idea

McPherson suggests introducing the concept in a relaxed way. Say, "Hey, what do you think about planning some special us time?" or "I would love to find a consistent time to spend sexy time together."

2. Add sex to your calendars

Pick a time when you both have energy—and that's likely not right before you go to sleep. Maybe it's after work or on a lazy weekend morning. If need be, compromise choosing a better time for yourself one week and your partner the next, recommends Dr. Sanford. Then add these dates to both of your calendars. Treat these sessions as seriously as you would a work meeting or a close friend's birthday party.

3. Set the scene

With sex planned, you have time to prepare. That morning, make the bed, clean up clutter and secretly put on underwear your SI loves. A few hours later, send them sexy texts to build anticipation. Right before the scheduled time, dim the lights and maybe light a few candles.

4. Be flexible

If a scheduling conflict comes up, don't sweat it. Just reschedule your date. Then, when you're together, feel free to use your time for all types of sensual activities, says McPherson. "Sometimes you might have great sex and sometimes you might only cuddle and talk. Both can be pleasurable." Connect in ways that feel good for both of you, whether it's discussing fantasies, showering together or giving each other massages.

5. Experiment

Remember that scheduling sex will be a work in progress, reminds Dr. Sanford. Commit to trying the approach for at least three months, she suggests. Over time, you can tweak the method in a way that works for you and your partner. For instance, instead of having a set weekly time (like Wednesday evenings), you might decide to pick a new window each Sunday night.